SIAPR
Posted: 1/26/2004 3:14:45 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 1,655
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Topic: Humor
Parent Message
Shitting in a Public Restroom (SIAPR)

It starts with an ominous settling in the gut. That shifting of fecal matter in the intestines leads to hoping the wolves can be staved for 10 or 15 minutes. This is always the longest 10 or 15 minutes of a long life, constantly eclipsing the last time the same thing happened. Over time I have learned tricks to ensure a successful battle with the evil sludge forcing its way to the surface. Listen closely, and you may become a master of avoiding public restrooms.

The first, and easiest, is simply standing, clenching and praying. Stand up, if you're sitting, and I hope for your sake you're sitting. Clench your ass cheeks together into a tighter crack than Tipper Gore. Sit down with the cheeks still clenched. This provides a valuable physical barrier in the fight for private shitting.

A second method, while not usually a deal maker or breaker, is valuable nonetheless. Distraction. One must distract oneself to eventually fight off the coup the bowels are attempting. For the major offenses to work, this minor strategy must be effective. Look at some porn, post to your favorite EVO site, write a retarded article or stab yourself repeatedly with paper clips.

The third, most difficult, but most effective method is the shit/gas shuffle. This is a maneuver that must only be practiced by the veterans of the practice. Please, for your sake and mine, only practice this in a safe place! This complicated maneuver puts those bar sluts with the cherry stems to shame. Using only your various ass muscles, attempt to separate the gas and the excrement, like oil and water. The real talent comes in because the heavier of the two usually falls to the bottom, but in our case we need the gas at the bottom. The actual muscle movements cannot be described, only learned through trial and error. Once confidence is high enough, proceed to fart carefully while attempting to avoid any liquid, or worse, solid discharge. Sound is secondary. Try to avoid any buttcheek slapping fart, but make this a secondary concern as avoiding discharge is your primary. Much experience will allow a judgment on when the proper ratio of gas to discharge danger is achieved. This most difficult method of delaying the inevitable can work wonders and relieve massive amounts of pressure, but beware the fallbacks of crapping your own pants or becoming the obvious source of that horrific smell that is floating around the office.

After the critical 10 to 15 minutes, it's either show or no. If I forget all about it, I can get by a few hours until home, but if the noxious feeling that something is clawing and scratching for freedom is still there, it's time to bite the bullet.

I get up and make my way to the bathroom, all the while thinking, "Fuck! I hope nobody's in there...damn it, I hate this...am I walking funny?" Open the door, check the urinals, casually duck a head looking for feet in the stalls while pretending to make way for either the urinal or the sink. Whether the urinal or the sink depends on how dire the situation is. If it's not too bad, a piss might actually take some pressure off, but if I can hear of **funny mesican name using 'fecal'** and his scat folk screaming, "Viva le hershey!" then pissing is a bad idea. Nobody wants accidental discharge, no matter how funny it can be. If someone is in a stall doing their business choose option one or two and take off, only to return in 5 minutes or so. Always take a different route to the john the second time though, or the minions may get suspicious.

On a side note, doing your biznass in a public shitter should always be a huge effort to go undetected. Some of these bastards choose to bring as much attention to themselves as possible short of having a laserlight show in their stall. They'll shamelessly fart and cough and splash their way through the most private of ceremonies. These people should be strung up and made an example of.

With the good fortune of finding an empty john, make way to the stall furthest from the door, cripples be damned! The worst scenario, a crowded crapper but no other choice, will come up later. Enter the stall and begin preparations. Always check for toilet paper first! This is a must and can never be skipped, no matter how desperate the situation! The horror of having a greasy, smelly, messy ass and no toilet paper cannot be described in words. Get one of those ill-fitting seat guards and apply it to the seat, covering as much porcelain as possible. There will always be exposed surface where some other shit-caked, hairy, yeast infected fuck has sat on with his bare ass, but block this out, as it will only drive you over the edge of madness. Remove pants and sit. Hopefully, the seat is not warm, as that brings about sickening thoughts. Now, this isn't the library, like your crapper at home. You absolutely must hurry towards a finish. The finish will not always be getting your tank to "E", but enough to ensure no more trips to this unholy place and a reasonable amount of comfort. Pray the finish line is crossed before some loser wanders in to piss or floss.

Yes, I've been on the white god while some puke came in and flossed his damned teeth. If he would have broke out a razor and started shaving, I would have played primate section at the zoo and started flinging ooey goodness in his direction.

At first wipe, be careful not to scuttle your seat guard. Yes, you can always get another, but this increases clogging potential significantly. Avoid this at all costs. Maybe a courtesy flush and a clearing of the bowl can be combined, but do try to stay friendly to the environment and use the same seat barrier for the entire operation. The matter of poor toilet paper is a sad, but true aspect of S.I.A.P.R. At best, the paper is more cardboard in quality, creating a Richard-Simmons-like chafed ass. At worst, besides having no paper, is a similar quality of paper, but in bite sized morsels. Small squares expected to be used as a barrier between ass-hand contact. The cheapskate bastards that invented and employ this measure of cost savings are of the worst kind and should be banished to the ends of the Earth, or Canada.

While doing the deed, feel free to entertain yourself slightly. Don't go willy nilly through the stall and forget about your mission, but try to make the journey slightly more entertaining. Your options are, checking ceiling vents for cameras, staring at the odd screws that defy unscrewing in amazement, imagining objects in the tile pattern, cloud style and reading messages left behind (my all-time favorite was "Why does there have to be so many fags in Idaho. Thank you California!" Half of it was misspelled, but I can't remember that much detail). Though this entertainment is often necessary, I can't stress maintaining a proper amount of focus enough. Besides attempting to accomplish the mission as quickly as possible, one must also avoid contacting the seat or water with the cock-n-balls. Unfortunately, most stalls often have extremely large gaps between the door and walls. If a flosser or obsessive compulsive hand washer is in attendance, do your best to avoid eye contact through these devilish slits in the partitions. This is multitasking folks, try to stay aware.

When the end of the stream is reached, quickly, but thoroughly, wipe. Carefully monitor the volume of matter in the bowl, keeping in mind the space taken by the scuttled seat guard. Again, a courtesy flush/clearing may be employed.

Reapply all clothing, making note of stowaway toilet paper hot zones. The shoes, top and bottom of pants are susceptible to these freeloaders. Show no mercy in drowning the motherfuckers.

Proceed to hand washing, adjusting time spent for smell emitted. If stealth courtesy flushes were implemented, the odor should be acceptable. Take the time to wash the hands for a full 15 seconds. Shake excess water, towel dry and use towel as a door handle/hand barrier. A lot of assholes come through this place!

The rest of the day should be spent reveling in relief and weight loss!
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