No point insulting Lars Ulrich. He's already dead!

Listen closely, I don't have much time. Metallica is dead! In 1992 they were murdered in their sleep by record-company-grown pod people who then replaced the band so they couldn't reveal that the "Black Album" was written entirely by Bob "Rock" and recorded in secret by a cover band as part of a plot to make the band more radio-friendly and thus destroy metal!

That's why the band appeared with short hair at the Video Music Awards that year: when the record company discovered the band had not only refused the deal but were actually going to go public, the suits were forced to kill and replace them, and the pod people didn't have time to grow their hair in!

It's so obvious, right? Everyone knows the real Metallica would never cut their hair and sell out! It's a dead giveaway!

Seen in the light of this undeniable evidence, all the shitty albums, the insults towards old fans, the endless string of music and concert videos, it all makes perfect sense!

Spread the word! Keep the faith, brothers! They can't hide the truth forever! I have to go now, before they can silence me.

Oh god, it's too late! They're at the d&$FY()#$BFDP{%#:"P
NO CARRIER