Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
Humornet was one of the funniest mailing lists for several years. Apparently something happened and it seems to have come to an end.

Anybody have any info on what happened?

Anyway, I am going to go ahead and post all of the saved humornet messages that I have saved from the last couple years. Enjoy!
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Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
Collage 375              H u m o u r N e t              02 Nov 1997

On the morning of 12 August 1996, Internet history was made. The
concept of the "unsubscription fee" was brought into existence:



The Internet hasn't been the same since. Neither have many members of
the double-digit-I.Q. crowd, fondly referred to (here on HumourNet)
as the "Intellectual Proletariat."

You can read the entire "1996 Unsubscription Fee Debacle" on the Web:



We now continue to build upon the "Unsub Fee" precedent that was set
more than one year ago ...

                       Welcome to the
               1997 Unsubscription Fee Collage

That's right, it's now an annual event! This one kicks off with a
reference to the "unsub fee" in the new Welcome message that went out
to everyone when we changed list servers back in August of this year:

    * Automatic processing of unsubscription fees! That's
    right -- no more having to call our "800" number to pay
    your unsubscription fee and receive an Unsubscription
    Authorization Code; it's now handled entirely via the
    Web interface. (For more information on the fee structure
    for HumourNet, refer to the *all-new* "LIST POLICY AND
    CORPORATE KNOWLEDGE" section of the Welcome message.)

So, those of you with *functioning* synapses very happily skipped
down to the LIST POLICY AND CORPORATE KNOWLEDGE section, and found
this:

    i. SUBSCRIPTION and UNSUBSCRIPTION FEES: Contrary to
    anything you might see on the list or in "official"
    HumourNet documentation, THERE ARE *NO* FEES WHATSOEVER
    ASSOCIATED WITH HUMOURNET! I'll say this slowly: There
    is no cost to subscribe, unsubscribe, or remain a member
    of this list. [...]

And some of you even realized what I was up to; we hear first from
Adrian in Richardson, Texas:

    AR> Gawd, what a glutton for punishment!

    VS> TELL me about it! I've already had complaints. OTOH,
    VS> they're building toward a Collage ... :-)

    AR> The other shoe drops!  What a slimeball!! I like that in
    AR> a person. Have you considered running for public office?

No, I won't be running for public office; Lord(tMS) knows, the
citizens of this country aren't ready for THAT. But the "complaints"
to which I referred were simply priceless! Arie in Burlington,
Ontario starts off the "Clue-Challenged Subscribers" section:

    Any charge inflicted upon my credit card will be denied
    as it was not I who signed on to this mailing list else
    I would have read the Welcome message containing the
    information on your unsubscription fee. If you would
    like to re-add me to your mailing list I can have my
    Mail server deny all HumourNet soliciting for all its
    subscribers. Thank you.

(Wow, that's some Mail server ya got there, Arie.) What piqued my
curiosity was how Arie somehow *knew* that I would react to this by
sending hordes of HumourNet subscribers to his Mail server, for the
express purpose of soliciting unsubscription fees -- and how his
Mail server could discriminate between HumourNet subscribers and
the other, HumourNet Impaired(tMS), e-mail senders. (?) Arie might
have solved the entire e-mail spam problem -- and he's holding out
on us!

Well, Arie won't have to worry about learning the subtleties of
procmail, as I didn't have the heart to re-add him to the mailing
list, and charge him a *second* unsub fee to remove him. Though it
was tempting.

Some of the clueless started off a little more slowly than Arie, but
built up a good head of steam with some judicious prodding from the
HumourNet Moderator. Anne in Tallmadge, Ohio, starts off this series
with a rather benign comment:

    unsubscribe me please. I didn't know this wasn't free!

(So that you can get the "full effect," I am preserving all "unique"
grammar, spelling, usage, and capitalization in the messages here.)

Of course, I replied that it was all very clearly explained in her
Welcome message. Round two:

    I guess I don't read well. Could you explain to me again
    the cost of having humournet. I never gave you my credit
    card # when I joined. I thought it was free to join. How
    is it that you can charge my credit card $5.00 for
    unsubscribing? I'm confused. Please do not send this to
    everyone on Humournet.

Sorry, Anne -- but by failing to read the Welcome message, you also
failed to see this:

    Finally, note that I regularly include subscriber
    correspondence in the material that I post to the list.
    ANYTHING that is sent to me at any of my HumourNet-
    related addresses is fair game for posting, unless
    specifically stated otherwise in the message! Please do
    not send me anything that you wouldn't want distributed
    to tens of thousands of people worldwide.

Since you didn't read the Welcome message, you couldn't have seen the
"unless specifically stated otherwise" clause -- thus, it doesn't
apply in this case.

Several others also bit down hard on the "unsub fee"bait; Klea in
Mesa, Arizona, sent this message *in reply to the Welcome message*
that I sent out to the list on 31 August:

    I don't remember subscribing to this and I don't have the
    E-mail that you say that I have for info. I'll be darned
    if you are going to charge me for jokes when I get 30
    free jokes a day from 4 other servers.

    Thanks....

Well, your HumourNet Collages are still free as long as you don't
*unsubscribe*. It's really not all that complicated, Klea. But then,
anyone who claims to not have the message to which she's replying
probably shouldn't be driving a modem.

Laura in Columbus, Georgia, took Klea's lead on this one; again, in
*direct* reply to the Welcome message that I posted to the list:

    I just recently came onto the mailing list - what fee are
    you talking about. I was not aware of any fee to
    subscribe or unsubscribe. I never gave out my credit
    card info so am not sure what your talking about.

Again, the information was right in the message to which you
responded, Laura -- so I'm not sure what your (sic) talking about,
either.

That pretty much wraps up the responses to the Welcome message -- but
we're not done yet! Our next group of contestants was "caught" by
HumourNet's new unsubscription-confirmation message (the one that the
server sends you to confirm that you have unsubscribed):
    
     You have now been unsubscribed from the HumourNet
     mailing list.

     We have checked your geographical location, and it
     corresponds to an unsubscription fee of US$5.00. Your
     credit card will be charged the appropriate amount.
     (Please refer to the Welcome message you received
     when you joined the list for information on our
     unsubscription fee policy.)

     We hope you enjoyed your stay with HumourNet; thank you
     for being with us!

     - Vince Sabio
       HumourNet Moderator
       HumourNet@telephonet.com
    
     HumourNet:
       Anyone Without a Sense of Humour Is At The Mercy of
       The Rest of Us

I even put the "Anyone without a sense of humour ..." trailer in
there to remind people that they are unsubscribing from a *HUMOUR*
mailing list. Nevertheless, some people are undeterred in their
mission to embarrass themselves publicly. For example, there is
Monica in Fredericksburg, Virginia:

    When I joined this list, I was NOT informed that I would
    be charged for anything. Now that I am back in college,
    I don't have time to read much email, so I unsubscribed.
    I was just informed that I was going to be charged $5 to
    my credit card. Huh? I did not give you all a credit
    card number. When I joined on the net, I did not come
    across any charging information. In other words, I would
    like to know what is going on.

Poor Monica! She even wrote out her own clue: "I did not give you
[...] a credit card number" -- yet she remains clueless. Oh well.

But Monica was just warm-up for the *real* fun! Enter Mimi in
Toronto, Canada. (Canada seems to be very well represented tonight.)
Mimi was quite persistent in her state of humour impairedness. For
those who are not particularly familiar with the operation of mailing
list servers, note that mail sent to our *old* server (the ListProc)
will simply result in a "You are not subscribed to this list" reply;
your message will *NOT* be automatically forwarded to Lyris, our new
server.

And so we meet Mimi, who simply REFUSED to read her new Welcome
message (I think she deleted it after she sent in her unsubscribe).
This one's a little long, but it really illustrates the level of
frustration that unsuspecting subscribers may suffer at the hands of
the Evil HumourNet Listmom ...

    MW> I checked the welcoming message from HumorNet and it does
    MW> not state anywhere about a fee for unsubscriptions. I
    MW> unsubscribed only because I was not home to recieve the
    MW> mail so I cancelled it. Therefore, I do NOT agree with
    MW> the US$5.00. fee.

    VS> You apparently did not read the NEW Welcome message that
    VS> was sent out last Sunday. Please read it.

    MW> I just checked out all the mail sent in for the past two
    MW> weeks. There was NO 'NEW' welcome message. I didn't get
    MW> one.

    VS> Then how did you know to send your unsubscribe request
    VS> to ? The only place that the new
    VS> address was mentioned was in the new Welcome message.
    VS> Trust me, you have it.

    MW> The following is a copy of the message that I originally
    MW> recieved when I first joined. THERE ARE NO DETAILS OF AN
    MW> UNSUBSCRIPTIOIN FEE!

    

    VS> Right, that's the OLD Welcome message -- which mentions
    VS> NOTHING about . So, HOW did you "know"
    VS> to send your unsubscribe request to Lyris?

    MW> The following messages were the only two pieces of mail
    MW> that I've recieved since requesting and unsubscription.
    MW> I haven't recieved any notices AT ALL about
    MW> unsubscription fees! The following messages is where I
    MW> got the address for lyris@lyris.net BECAUSE IT SAID TO
    MW> REPLY-TO IT. I only replied to the address it was sent
    MW> from. However, I was NEVER notified of anything else
    MW> that you claim.

    VS> Wrong-O Mimi -- you STILL haven't answered how you knew
    VS> to send the unsub request to . WHERE
    VS> DID YOU GET THAT ADDRESS FROM? You had to have had it
    VS> BEFORE you received the messages below, since you had to
    VS> send the request to Lyris to GET those messages.
    VS> You have the Welcome message. Trust me. Read it.

    MW> THIS IS THEE ONLY WELCOME MESSAGE THAT I'VE EVER RECEIVED
    MW> FROM HUMORNET.....I followed the unsubscribing
    MW> instructions and I was replied by lyris@lyris.net,
    MW> notifying me of my unsubscription. How can you not TELL
    MW> people that there's an unsubscription fee BEFORE they
    MW> signed on. You guys are just a bunch of scammers! And
    MW> you're ain't going to be seeing a damn red penny outta me!

    

    VS> No, Mimi, you keep sending me the *old* Welcome message.
    VS> Go read the *new* one!

I love this part ... :-)

    MW> LOOK, BUDDY, I've told you that I never sent mail to
    MW> lyris@lyris.net! I looked up the following in the
    MW> ORIGINAL welcome message just after I subscribed and it
    MW> says the following to unsubscribe:

    

    MW> SO, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I DID! I sent mail to the
    MW> listproc addy and the mail was responded by someone at
    MW> lyris@lyris.net!!! I've NEVER seen that address before
    MW> in any supposedly "NEW" welcome message. Lyris@lyris.net
    MW> mailed to me first and THAT, my dear, is HOW I got the
    MW> address!! So, if you really still don't believe me, then
    MW> that's YOUR problem because I NEVER got your "NEW"
    MW> welcome message, supposedly stating that there was an
    MW> unsubscription fee. I REFUSE to pay the fee because I
    MW> was never notified before joining or before unsubscribing.
    MW> Are you just a bunch of net scammers who think they can
    MW> milk people by getting unsubscription fees without
    MW> notifying them that one even EXISTED???

Well, yes, in fact, we are. This isn't a cheap operation, you know;
a guy's got to offset these costs *somehow*. Mimi finished with this
parting shot:

    MW> Well, whatever you choose to do with your time, I don't
    MW> care. Don't bother sending any more mail cuz I don't
    MW> plan to respond. BTW, your jokes weren't even funny.
    MW> Don't quit your day job. Also, I won't be at this
    MW> address anymore cuz I've moved out.

That was nearly two months ago (as of the time of this writing).
Out of curiosity, I logged onto Mimi's mail server, and checked her
address (I love ISPs that allow the VRFY command) -- sure enough,
her address is still very active. If my ISP didn't frown on such
things, I would have been tempted to forge a "bill" from CitiBank
for unsubscription fees ... ;-)

(To my roughly 50 subscribers at citicorp.com: JUST KIDDING!)
(To the citicorp.com postmaster: No, I won't turn their addresses
over to you. Come to think of it, you shouldn't be reading this
stuff at work, either.)

I did, however, send a final message to Mimi at the close of our
little chat session:

    Thanks, Mimi -- take care ... By the way, you might want
    to look into subscribing to "This is True"; check out
    the Web page at .

Note that I regularly "refer" my problem subscribers to other
mailing lists, hoping that they'll like those lists more -- and
leave HumourNet (and me) alone. I'm *sure* that the owners of those
other mailing lists appreciate this. And I'm sure that Mimi is
now being "a blessing to someone else" (to quote Rus Jeffrey, the
Official HumourNet List Chaplain).

But even Mimi paled in comparison to AnnMarie in Arlington Heights,
Illinois. AnnMarie was not only persistent, she was prolific -- as
we'll see toward the end. HumourNet, meet AnnMarie:

    AW> What the heck is this $5.00 charge!? I reread the welcome
    AW> message and there is *NO* mention of there being one!
    AW> Why should I have to pay for something I have no
    AW> knowledge about?! Glad I'm off this list! FYI: I did a
    AW> copy&paste of my welcome message below.

    

    VS> That's the WRONG Welcome message, AnnMarie; try reading
    VS> the one that you were sent about a week ago. I can send
    VS> you another copy if you're illit^H^H^H^H^H lost that
    VS> one.

    AW> PLEASE take off this charge!

    VS> No.

Along with being impressively gullible, AnnMarie also seemed to be
just a wee bit stressed over that gender-inequality thing:

    AW> Alright, send it dude! I'll tell you now, though, that I
    AW> had email problems about a week ago and didn't receive
    AW> all my messages. I missed lots more than I thought.
    AW> Believe what you will. I know you're a guy.

Well, at least *that* much was clear to her.

    AW> You can't make enough money so you have to go and charge
    AW> $5 bucks to UNsubscribe? What would happen if I were a
    AW> new subscriber and decided to unsubscribe after that
    AW> "Welcome, we love your money" letter? Still a $5 charge?
    AW> Your nuts, and I'm sure your proud. I've never met a guy
    AW> who wasn't.

    AW> Enjoy your financial life.

So I sent a copy of the *new* Welcome message to AnnMarie;
surprisingly, I never heard back from her.

I *did*, however, hear from some OTHER people about this.
Specifically, I heard from several list owners ...

The first list owner to contact me was Ray Owens, owner of the
Joke-A-Day mailing list (send the word "subscribe" in the body of a
message to to join Ray's list):

    Vince:
    
    I thought you might like to see the Genesis of perhaps my
    next Judi Award winner . . .
    
    Ray

Like I'd turn down an offer like that! In response to my fervent
"YEAH!" Ray sent the following transcript of his correspondence
with our woman of the hour:

    AW> Do you have any UNsubscription fees that I don't know
    AW> about? I'm in a hassle with another list. No, BTW, I am
    AW> not unsubscribing, at least yet.
    AW> Thanks for your help.

    RO> What?

    AW> Do you have any UNsubscription fees? I am in a hassle
    AW> with another list that is charging my credit card (I
    AW> guess through my ISP, I have no idea since I never gave
    AW> them a credit card #). It's nuts. Humornet is the
    AW> culprit of this one. They're not very funny to me. I
    AW> could send you a copy&paste of our conversation, if you
    AW> want. I don't mind. It's almost funny. But for now, I am
    AW> still planning to stay with you.

Well, Ray -- being the dyed-in-the-wool humourist that he is --
couldn't resist asking her for the "copy&paste." Nor could he resist
forwarding it to me. He also sent me some good suggestions
regarding protection of the intellectual-property rights for the
"unsubscription fee" concept:

    Vince,
    Did you get the letter I sent back to her telling her
    that you own the copyright on Unsubscribe Fees and that
    you have a patent pending on 'em? I was completely
    tongue in cheek, but I'm sure she doesn't have a clue.

No doubt she's sans clue, Ray! Especially since, about a week later,
I heard from ANOTHER humour-list moderator about AnnMarie! This one
prefers to retain anonymity; we'll call him "Jack." In each case,
Jack's messages to AnnMarie are denoted by "JD>", while his messages
to *me* do not have any designators ...

    While rummaging through my typical pile of love messages
    today ("usubscribe me you bas#@&$," "I hate you, you
    f*#%$ idiot," "get me off your list," etc...), I came
    across one letter that perked my attention (which is
    hard to do at 2a.m.). It seems as though a lady had been
    burnt by another vicious listmaster charging
    unsubscription fees and wanted to make sure I didn't
    stoop to such levels.

    AW> ...But you don't have any UNsubscriptions fees that I
    AW> don't know about? I haven't changed my mind on anything
    AW> and I am staying with you. This is just for future
    AW> reference. I am am being charged a rather obnoxious fee
    AW> from another list.

    It was the look on my roommate's face that made falling
    out of my chair laughing in hysterics worth it... Here's
    what I wrote back (doing my best not to translate the
    chair experience into e-mail):

    JD> What? Which list is charging you this?

    AW> Humornet is the culprit. An automatic charge to my
    AW> credit card. He never got any more info than email and
    AW> my city/state. Some sort of charge to the card we use at
    AW> Interaccess, our ISP? I don't know. He said that he sent
    AW> out a "Welcome" message last week that stated the
    AW> charge. I don't remember it. I had email probs last
    AW> week too and I didn't receive all my messges either. I
    AW> don't trust this guy.

I *love* the part about how she "[doesn't] trust this guy." She's
obviously smarter than she appears.

    AW> For your own humor and enjoyment, the following is a
    AW> copy&paste of our most recent conversation, minus the
    AW> so-called "welcome" letter that I had in my files.

    

    Not sure of how to break the news of her lobotomy, I
    desist from e-mailing this lady for about a week, and
    then ship this message off...

    JD> Ann,
    JD> Did you ever figure out the whole thing about
    JD> unsubscription fees?

    AW> According to Ray of Jokeaday, Vince from Humournet has a
    AW> patent on unsubscribe fees. Note, BTW, both guys are
    AW> buddies. ; ) Both insisted he has every right to have
    AW> unsubscribe fees. I can't even find the last message
    AW> from they guy at Jokeaday that "explained" everything.

    AW> I can't see how someone could get away with an unsub fee
    AW> without having one to subscribe in the first place. I
    AW> have since found and read a revised version of my
    AW> original Humournet policy. I have pasted it below. Seems
    AW> that the whole thing was a VERY BAD JOKE! The guy's got
    AW> no taste. I bet he was looking for materiel to write
    AW> about in his list. Humournet and Jokeaday like to write
    AW> about the letters they receive, and publish them often
    AW> in their entireity.

(I'd just like to mention that we no longer do that here on HumourNet.
It's now the R.A.F. who suffers the most casualties in that area. )

    AW> Oh well. I don't care. The guy is still nuts.

"The guy's got no taste," and "the guy is still nuts" -- she *is*
pretty smart! Not to mention the whole "looking for materiel" (sic)
for HumourNet bit. Surprising that she was able to identify such
subtle defects^W features in my personality, yet she was unable to
read her Welcome message on the first few tries. Oh well!

Interestingly, HumourNet's unsubscription-fee reputation is spreading
far and wide; the following message came to me from Nicholas in
Oswego, Illinois:

    I have often received forwards from friends that
    subscribe to HumourNet, and I have decided I want to
    sign up. However, before I subscribe, I would just like
    to have reassurance that there are no obligations
    involved in the subscription, or any money changing
    hands, etc. The reason I am a bit cautious is because a
    friend was once taken for roughly five hundred dollars,
        begin with>, but ever since that happened, I have been
    more cautious. Please don't take offense to the above
    question, and I'd really like to be on the list, it's
    just I like to play things safe. I hope this is not too
    intrusive. By the way, a friend forwarded me Collage 370
    (Aero Humour), and I loved it...it's what made me
    finally want to join.

Nicholas has since joined the list. And I hope he liked Collage 370
a *LOT*, since it just cost him US$5.00 -- deferred until he
unsubscribes, of course.

And then there is the "contribution fee." In our never-ending attempt
to bilk every last nickel out of our adoring public, HumourNet is now
charging $0.50 for each submission to the list -- regardless of
whether the submission is accepted for publication. When your
submission is processed by Lyris (the list server), Lyris sends back
an automated response that includes the following text:

    Thank you for your recent submission to HumourNet! Your
    credit card has been charged the customary US$0.50
    submission fee.

Well, some folks just aren't picking up on the fact that they are
sending their submissions in to a *humour* list; take Sam in New York
City, for example:

    SF> Vince, it's not funny. Where'd you get this crazy idea.
    SF> no one will like it I'll bet.

    VS> Actually, it's been very popular -- at least with the
    VS> list management. Why?

    SF> Why? You can't charge for jokes, hahaha. I'll sue your
    SF> a**...

Well, he *does* live in New York City -- one can only assume he's
serious about that.

*Some* folks are a little quicker than others; Nancy in Bridgeport,
Connecticut, had this to say:

    NV> How dare you charge a submission fee without posting the
    NV> Level III replies you've undoubtedly received?
    NV> Thanks for the unexpected laugh, Vince!

Sure thing, Nancy! And note that I *have* finally gotten around to
posting the Level III replies I've received. :-)

But before we conclude that the entire mailing list is composed of
Level III social rejects whose ancestors have been walking upright
within only the few most recent generations, I should point out that
not EVERYONE on this list is quite so gullible.

Gerry P., for example, thinks he can weasel his way out of an unsub
fee with THIS ...

    Dear Vince:

    As the subject of your last [Collage] was "Call me if
    you don't receive...", I as hesitant to respond to it,
    as I did, in fact, receive it.

    However, all this talk of subbing and unsubbing has
    brought to mind a problem I may soon be dealing with.

    I am considering changing my ISP. I realize that I am
    going to have to unsub, and resub, if this takes place.
    I realize that I will have to pay the unsub fee, but I
    feel I must insist on a refund when I resub. You may
    credit this amount to my credit card, which number I
    assume you have, since you will be charging me to unsub.

    In any case, I expect to see the $5.00 credit to my
    credit card in the near future. You might even credit me
    right away, so I won't be out of pocket during this
    transaction.

    I trust this will be satisfactory to you (shoddy
    business practices notwithstanding), and I am looking
    forward to seeing the $5.00 soon. ;-)

    Regards,
    Gerry

I wasn't falling for Gerry's line of B.S. one bit -- until I reached
the part about "shoddy business practices." Anyone who knows me that
well could quite possibly turn me over to the I.R.S.

(Yes, your $5.00 refund has been posted to your credit card, Gerry.)

And Gary in Fremont, California, followed up with this:

    Vince -

    There's really something odd about a humor list where
    the admin messages are as likely to make me laugh as the
    jokes. I suppose that's why I've remained subscribed.

    Back at the time of the unsub fee uproar, I didn't
    actually take the time to read all of Collage #290. I
    know -- that means I wasn't fulfilling my obligation as
    a subscriber. Luckily, I went back to reading everything
    before your highly sophisticated "unsub fee dodger
    detector" software caught me. *whew*

    Today's "call me if you don't receive this message"
    Collage provided the links which prompted me to actually
    go back and reread everything associated with unsub
    fees. Now that I have bored you into a glassy-eyed
    stupor, I suppose I can get on to the subject of the
    message. (But first, please eat the zombie's cucumber
    that I have scanned and attached to this message. It
    will make you my slave for live, and I will have you
    hunt down and kill the person who wrote the error
    messages for Windows 95.)

The error messages? I'd probably just kill the people responsible
for the entire virus^H^H^H^H^H operating system.

    Comments related to collage #290:

    C290> I LIKE IT! "HumourNet University." A continuing-
    C290> education experience for the humor impaired. No
    C290> -- for the "comedically challenged"! After all,
    C290> who has *less* of a sense of humor than those who
    C290> espouse the "political correctness" movement?

    I like it, too. The beauty of it is how well it fits with
    your other concepts. Make it a free school. No admission
    fee. No charge to get your diploma. There would, however,
    be a $25,000 drop-out fee, which would subsidize all of
    the serious students of humor. Of course, you'd end up
    with some perennial idiots who were too poor to drop out
    and too humor-impaired to graduate. Luckily, there are
    good uses for such people. They could be used as examples
    for the rest of the students, or possibly trained as
    straight men (or whatever the politically-correct term is
    for an Ed-McMahonish sidekick these days).

(And they wonder why I enjoy this job so much. ) Gary, you were
reading my mind! Also, there are the dormitories: no charge for the
room, but $2500 to check out. Perhaps I'll go into the hospitality
business next. Imagine "Hotel HumourNet"!

The possibilities are endless ...

And those possibilities are spreading 'round the world; Costas from
Cyprus sends me this message:
    
    Vince,

    This move of HumourNet to [Lyris] has cost me a lot! I
    must have missed a couple of issues. Anyway, it suddenly
    dawned on me that I should check the status of my
    subscription and, lo and behold, I found out that I
    wasn't any more subscribed to the list. I therefore
    promptly proceeded to subscribe using [Lyris]. I then
    UNsubscribed because I thought I hadn't given correct
    information.

    Faced with the prospect of paying your unsubscription
    fee I had no choice but to resubscribe. So, here I am,
    bound for life to HumourNet :)

    (By the way, why ONLY US$5.00 unsubscription fee? I find
    it insulting. You should have charged at least US$99.95,
    given the distance of Cyprus from the USA!)

Good point, Costas! I checked the processing software, and found a
bug in the "Cyprus" code segment; your credit card has been adjusted
to reflect the 'correct' fee. ;-)

I'm glad to see that Costas was right on top of the unsub fee, and
that the humour wasn't lost in the cultural translation. It seems
that it's often lost in cases where there *is* no cultural
translation, though. In particular, I've noticed that HumourNet has
little or no appeal to the ADHD crowd; I personally find that to be
a *feature*.

Leading this category is Denise at Boston University (interestingly,
my spelling checker wanted to replace "Denise" with "Dense"; BBEdit
must have some AI built into it):

    DH> I subscribed to the humour net a few weeks ago, but I
    DH> have yet to receive something that resembles humor. All
    DH> I ever receive from you is commentaries on old messages.
    DH> Do you ever e-mail actual humor, or should I try another
    DH> mailing list?

    VS> I never e-mail actual humour. Please try another mailing
    VS> list. Steve Willoughby runs a very good humour mailing list;
    VS> to subscribe, go to
    VS> .
    VS> Enjoy ...

As I said earlier, I *know* that the other humour-list owners
appreciate my helping them drum up subscribers for their lists. :-)

Then there are the ones that I wish I could *keep* on the mailing
list; Gavin in Brisbane (Queensland), Australia, sent me this message
in response to the confirmation message he received when he unsubbed:

    I don't know how you have the gall to charge me an
    unsubscription fee. (I do however appreciate being
    charged the lesser amount)

    I feel a bit silly asking but seeing as you have my
    credit card number could you please send me a copy of it
    along with which company it was issued from as I have
    been rejected by several institutions in my attempts to
    get a credit card -- only to find out now that I must
    already have one.

    Thanks for the entertainment and good luck with your
    future.

Gavin! Come back! You're undoubtedly "cut out" for this list! (Note
that most therapists do not consider that to be A Good Thing.) I'll
even refund your unsubscription fee ...

*sigh* Oh, well. Lost another. But he'll carry the "unsub fee" concept
with him to other mailing lists, where it will grow and flourish. It
is interesting to note that the "unsubscription fee" concept has
become institutionalized on at least three other mailing lists I know
of -- and has been turning up in more places than I can keep track of.
For example, Randy Cassingham takes credit for pointing me toward this
one recently: . Apparently,
many list owners are finding that unsubscription fees are an effective
source of revenue. (Just remember: *I* hold the patent.)

It's even spreading to the Church! This comment is excerpted from a
message sent to me by Rus Jeffrey, the Official HumourNet List
Chaplain that I mentioned earlier:

    I'm trying to figure out how I can start an "unsub fee"
    for people who decide to leave the church for another
    one.  0:-)

Great. So now I'm going to burn in hell for starting this. Well, at
least it should be some source of consolation for those folks who
were "caught" by the unsubscription fee joke.

Through it all, though, there were two replies that were a cut above
the rest; I call them the "Mom messages." The first one comes to us
from Perri, who is one of the "Fab Five" original HumourNetters ...

    Subject: You Won't Believe This!

    Yo Vin!

    Check out the e-mail message my Mom sent me... You can
    add it to your other "unsubscribe" humorous comments.
    Let's just hope its not hereditary!

    Perri

    Message from my Mom....

    Perri,
    [...] I just unsubscribed from Vince's HumourNet. Never
    had time to read through them. The unsubscribe message
    said I would be charged a $5 fee on my credit card for
    unsubscribing. Good luck, I never gave them my credit
    card number, so I will be really surprised if they can
    do it!

For Perri's sake, I certainly *hope* it's not hereditary! The jury's
still out on that one, though. ;-)

And just to show that no one is safe from "Moderator Commentary" here
on HumourNet, I present the following message from Loretta in Marco
Island, Florida (Loretta is also known 'round these parts as "The
Olde Broad"); she sent this message to me in response to the "new"
Welcome message that I posted to the list in August:

    Vincent,

    I got this llloonngg message in the mail, but nothing
    funny to go with it. Is this the new HumourNet? If so, I
    don't want it! What happened to your sense of humor?
    There was nothing funny to read. And after reading all
    that stuff, it sounded too important, too intimidating,
    too scary, and so far above me that I skipped over much
    of it. Skip that mess from now on and just send me the
    funny stuff. And what does 'Lyris' mean anyway? Why did
    you take time and write all that stuff when I don't have
    a clue what-in-the-hell it all means?! Am I the only one
    who received it? What's the purpose?

    Clueless in Marco.

    P.S. -- I'm not leaving my name. I don't want you to find
    out who I am and harass me.

Too late -- *Mom*. (And you'd better get your act together down
there; we kids have been pricing nursing homes for you, and we've
found several that are pretty darned cheap.)

*sigh* It's so difficult raising parents these days. Of course, it's
even more difficult raising a son who admits that growing old is
inevitable, but insists that growing *up* is optional. :-)

Either way, I think that The Olde Broad is prime bait for the "unsub
fee" ruse. Maybe I'll get to run THAT one next year ...

And that, gentle reader, concludes the Unsubscription Fee Collage
for 1997. I'd like to thank all of the contributors -- both the
witty and the witless -- for their contributions to this ongoing
study of human gullibility.

(Twelve more months to come up with another Collage's worth of
material. At this rate, it should be a snap.)

I hope you're enjoying this study as much as I am ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

Editor's Note:

For those of you who are new to HumourNet: Note that this message
deviates rather substantially from our "standard" format. It also
contains a good deal of "inside" humour that was probably lost on
most HumourNet newbies -- OTOH, you probably learned quite a bit
about the [non-]functioning of this list.

Also note that this Collage was roughly three times the size of our
usual posts.

- Vince
Rating: (You must be logged in to vote)

Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
Collage 374              H u m o u r N e t              26 Oct 1997

OMIGAWD, I nearly forgot to send out a Collage this weekend. I've
been so tied up in releasing the major upgrade of SmartBounce that
releasing a new Collage had slipped my mind.


So, while we're here, a quick note: SmartBounce 5.0 has now been
released for Mac and Windows. If you run a mailing list, you might
want to check it out: . What does this
have to do with HumourNet? Well, SmartBounce processes all the mail
bounces from this list, *and* sales of the commercial version pay for
HumourNet to stay on line*. (Ironically, *development* of both the
freeware and the commercial versions have been keeping me from
posting Collages at the usual rate. *sigh* I hope to see that improve
now that 5.0 is out.)


*Yes, the income from HumourNet "unsubscription fees" also help to
defer the cost of operating HumourNet -- but an insufficient number
of you have been unsubscribing, so I had to investigate other
sources of revenue.

Anyway, kudos to Eric in Canton, Massachusetts, for sending me a
"Where's my Collage?" message to get me back on track.

Since a lot of material that has arrived lately has centered on
the recent adventures of Microsoft, I have *two* (count'em!)
Microsoft-humor Collages ready to go -- and that's not even including
the major MS-humor backlog! So, let's get right into this one ...

Richard in Phoenix, Arizona, starts us off with "Jobs, Satan
Announce Deal" (note "Jobs," not "Gates"; you'll see why );

Christine in Sydney, Australia, springboards Richard's piece into
"You Bought WHAT?!";

Randy Cassingham, currently buried in a snowdrift somewhere in
Boulder, Colorado, brings us "Judgement Day" and "Virus Alert";

Edward C., a fellow anti-spammer (and CAUCE co-founder; for more
info on stopping spam, see ) sends us an
example of "Insufficient Programmer Competence";

Becky in Culver City, California, demonstrates her cooking skills
with "Microsoft Dinner 98";

and Chuck in Hanford, California, helps us to "Think Different[ly]"
about Macintosh market share (such as it is).

A huge thanks to our contributors.

(And yes, I'm still planning to put together the Annual
"Unsubscription Fee" Collage. We're getting there. Sometime in 1997,
I promise ...)

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Jobs, Satan Announce Deal

"The era of competition between good and evil is over," Steve Jobs
told a keynote audience at MacWorld Expo today. "We have to let go
of the notion that for good to triumph, evil must perish."

In a presentation that had been anxiously awaited by the Mac
community, Jobs announced an historic deal between Apple Computer
and Beelzebub, Lord of Darkness and Supreme Ruler of the Empire of
Evil.

During his short speech to a stunned crowd, Jobs said that Satan
will be purchasing $150M worth of Apple staff's souls, at the
current market price. "I have Lucifer's word that he will not use
his control over these souls to influence the direction we take in
any way."  Furthermore, said Jobs, the Devil will not be able to
cash in any of the immortal souls for three whole years.

The Antichrist then addressed the room via a live link from the Pits
of Hell, and said that the Empire of Evil is committed to developing
major pestilences for the Mac platform -- including Office 98 -- for
at least the next five years. A collaboration on destroying the Sun
is also part of the deal with the Lord of Darkness.

Jobs said that Mac users should be grateful for the happiness that
an honest, widely-respected and much-loved organization like The
Eternal Pit of Torment will bring to the Mac community.

In the wake of the announcement, Apple's stock leapt 30 pieces of
silver over the previous day's high.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: You Bought WHAT?!

At Microsoft's Redmond headquarters, the laughter will last for weeks.

According to wholly disreputable and unreliable sources within
Microsoft*, Bill Gates recently sent the following e-mail to his
chief financial officer, Greg Maffei:

"You bought what? You spent my $150 million on WHAT? Don't you
listen? I said, "*Snapple*!"

[Editor's Note: The statements "wholly disreputable and unreliable"
and "within Microsoft" are repetitive, IMO. ]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Judgement Day

"Wiiiiilliam Gaaaates..."

"Oh, hi, Satan. What's up downstairs?"

"It's tiiiiime..."

"Yeah, but we're still debugging Memphis, and Ballmer swears he'll
wipe out Adobe before lunch, and Melinda wants to change the tile in
the third-floor kitchen again, and..."

"Sorry, Bill. I've given you too many extensions already, not to
mention the Oracle8 launch event disaster, not to mention Steve
Jobs' head on a platter."

"Yeah, that was a good one. I think you enjoy this as much as I..."

"Regardless, a deal's a deal. Your soul is mine, Bill Gates. And
today is the day you pay your eternal debt to me."

"Now, let's be reasonable here, Satan..."

"Reasonable?!?  You want reasonable?!?  You're the richest man in
the world!  You've got a beautiful wife and daughter!  Microsoft is
the most powerful company on the planet!  We're even using NT to run
hell's WAN server!  And frankly, it sucks. That's one of the reasons
I've come to collect. If you can't get my network to run right,
you'll spend the afterlife writing Windows applications that run on
doorbells..."

"What's your alternative, Satan?  Netware?  AppleTalk? OS/2? You're
a funny guy for someone who breathes fire."

"Well, God is porting all his heaven-critical applications to
Java..."

"Java?!?  Stop it, Satan. You're going to make me wet my pants again
like that time you told me to buy Novell for $50 a share."

"Yes, Java, running on Sun servers, IBM plumbing and Oracle
databases with thin clients accessing the apps via the web through
Netscape Navigator."

"That's not a solution, that's one of those Grimm's fairy tales that
scare children to death. I have yet to see an NC actually being used
to do anything except crash during demonstrations. Look, Java is a
nice little language for animating web sites, but Shockwave after
too many espressos isn't going to displace Windows as an

pplications platform on hundreds of millions of PCs."

"Nevertheless, Java is the future of computing, and I'll be damned
if I'm going to give God a strategic technology advantage!"

"Satan, what if I told you I could kill off Java with a single
word?"

"Interesting. Tell me more."

"Wait a minute. What's in it for me?"

"I promise I won't turn you into Larry Ellison's bidet right this
second."

"Okay, that works for me. Here's the word...disable."

"Disable what?"

"Disable Java support in Internet Explorer."

"You mean Microsoft's web browser won't run Java anymore?"

"That's right, brimstone breath. You want to run Java, give Netscape
50 bucks per seat and pray that IBM doesn't buy the company to merge
Communicator with Lotus Notes."

"The Department of Justice will..."

"Will what?  Punish me because I won't support a product my enemies
want to use to destroy my company?  Chevrolet dealers don't have to
sell Fords. Pepsi's restaurants don't have to offer Coke. Why does
Microsoft have to support Java?"

"It's an industry standard..."

"It's an industry hallucination."

"There will be a public outcry..."

"From who?  Network managers?  MIS?  The CIO?  They're up to their
nose hairs in Cobol getting ready for January 1, 2000. To them, Java
is still a cute word for coffee."

"What about all those spiffy applets on thousands of web sites?"

"Microsoft owns 100 percent of the Apple and Windows preload market
for browsers, and our overall share has gone from zero to half in
two years. It's a safe bet most people will soon use IE for web
access. If they come to a site that doesn't work because of Java,
they'll simply jump to the next one. Trust me, developers will
switch to ActiveX faster than you can say 'Playstation.'"

"What about other platforms..."

"Like Intel has competition?"

"Interactive TV..."

"We call it WebTV in Redmond."

"Venture capitalists have invested billions..."

"To get a date with Kim Polese."

"Sun will write a plug-in..."

"Not without the hidden APIs."

"Of all my minions, you are my very favorite, Bill. You may stay."

"Thanks, Satan. Now, about that Exchange license agreement..."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Virus Alert

VIRUS WARNING!!! VIRUS WARNING!!! VIRUS WARNING!!! VIRUS WARNING!!!

Dear Internet user,

It seems that the destructive minds who like to invent computer
viruses have struck again. A new virus, popularly known as INTERNET
EXPLORER 4.0, has been propagating the Net for several weeks now.
MILLIONS of computers have been infected by this insidious virus
(mostly PCs, and a few Macintoshes as well.)  This virus is one of
the MOST DANGEROUS yet unleashed on the computing public!

INTERNET EXPLORER 4.0 is known to have the following horrible
effects on infected computers:

  * It WASTES an incredible amount of HARD DISK SPACE,
    space which could otherwise be used for productive
    applications
  
  * It causes the infected computer's performance to be
    DRASTICALLY REDUCED--Pentium machines which are stricken are
    known to slow down to the speed of a 486
  
  * It surreptitiously MODIFIES the underlying operating
    system, causing the CORE FUNCTIONALITY of the instrument to
    change RADICALLY
  
  * It, through the use of Trojan-like ALTERATIONS to the
    core Java APIs, may cause Java applets to MALFUNCTION.
    These effects are so SEVERE that the designers of Java, Sun
    Microsystems, are taking LEGAL ACTION against the inventors
    of this terrible virus
  
  * It, once installed, is VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE for the
    average user to remove from the system
  
  * It is known to create SECURITY HOLES, which can allow
    unknown users to DELETE or DESTROY files on your hard drive
  
  * It is known to cause many popular and reliable Internet
    browsers, such as NETSCAPE NAVIGATOR and NETSCAPE
    COMMUNICATOR, to not function correctly
  
  * It is even known to infect NEWLY PURCHASED computers
    coming from reputable manufacturers like COMPAQ and DELL.
    These companies have so far been POWERLESS to prevent this
    virus from being installed on the computers they sell.
  
  * It is known to be UNDETECTABLE by most virus-checking
    software packages
  
The good news is that the JUSTICE DEPARTMENT is currently
investigating the rogue hackers who CONCOCTED this destructive
virus. They have been traced to a Seattle suburb, and may face
fines of ONE MILLION DOLLARS PER DAY for the pernicious manner in
which this virus is being distributed. The bad news is that millions
of computers have ALREADY BEEN INFECTED. The inventors of this virus
even have the gall to gleefully BOAST about this terrible fact on
their web site!

Here's what YOU can do:

1) If you see a website with the "Internet Explorer" logo, do
   **NOT** click on the logo. This can cause this virus to be
   DOWNLOADED and INSTALLED on your system!
  
2) If your computer is ALREADY INFECTED, and it's a
   Windows-based PC, call the technical support hotline at
   Microsoft (the company which wrote Windows), and ask them for
   instructions on how to DISABLE and REMOVE this virus. They
   should have instructions to do so.

I apologize for the URGENT TONE of this message, but only if we WORK
TOGETHER can the spread of the dreaded INTERNET EXPLORER 4.0 virus
be slowed or stopped.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Insufficient Programmer Competence

[Editor's Note: Ed sends the following anecdote in response to my
.sig, "Segmentation Fault: Operating System Not Booted." ]

MS Paint: Insufficient Memory to quit (An actual error condition,
which I told them about in beta in 1994, and which still persists.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Microsoft Dinner 98

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT:

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to
accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not
give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an
infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others
smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how
good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.
Set the oven using these keystrokes:

    mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat

Then enter:

    ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press
start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the
ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of
the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The
oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to
your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your
oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the
dinner from the oven and enter:

    ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave
and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your
oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger
than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of
which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too
large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety,
call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want
another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of
their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger
family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must
be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However,
that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get
thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the
freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature,
not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Think Different[ly]

"The Macintosh may only have 10% of the market,
but it is clearly the top 10%."
  -- Douglas Adams, author
     1996 WWDC

********************************************************************
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************
Rating: (You must be logged in to vote)

Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
Collage 373              H u m o u r N e t              17 Oct 1997

Excuses, excuses ...

Another week passes, and still no time to put together the Annual
Unsubscription Fee(tMS) Collage. Be patient; it's coming ...
(And the longer I procras^H^H^H^H^H^H^H wait, the more material I
collect!)

However, I haven't been *entirely* quiet on the mailing list front;
this past week, I launched a new list dedicated to news, information,
lies, rumors, libel, and spirited discussion of Apple's soon-to-be-
released* Rhapsody operating system.

If you are interested in the Rhapsody operating system, you are
welcome to join us on the discussion list (yes, there is a digest
mode available, as well). Take your pick of subscription methods:

Web:

E-mail:
In subject line or body: subscribe rhapsody your_name

* "Soon": Sometime before the Cassini space probe (which failed
miserably in its mission to irradiate the inhabitants of the Earth
this past week#) reaches Alpha Centauri.

# So much for blithering-idiot hype.

And since this has been yet another GeekWeek(tMS) for me, it's time
for -- you guessed it! -- yet another Computer Humour Collage!

Alan in Columbus, Georgia, starts this one off with the utterly
hysterical "AT&T Customer Service Memorandum" (you Unix geeks will
appreciate this one);

Kevin in the U.K. takes credit for "A Glossary of Your PC's
Messages";

Bill K. sends us "No Wonder They Call[ed] It 'Wow!'";

St. John in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, follows up the piece in
Collage 324 entitled "A Compiler With A Sense of Humor" with his
additions in "More Geek Humour From Apple";

John in Virginia continues the Collage 324 follow-ups with "Fast
Guns: The Adventure Continues";

Lee in Federal Way, Washington, pursues the Collage 324 theme
a little farther with "Fast Guns: The Adventure Drags On";


Danny, somewhere in or near College Park, Maryland, brings us yet
another programming language synopsis with "Continuing the
Programming Language Survey: INTERCAL";

and Martz in London, England, brings us "Macceleration," one of the
best jabs at the Mac since "Most Applications Crash; If Not, The
Operating System Hangs." (Collage 209)

A huge "THANKS!" to our contributors for some really good material
in this Collage.

Happy bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: AT&T Customer Service Memorandum

Please stop submitting complaints. This is our system. We designed
it, we built it, and we use it more than you do. Forget about your
silly problem; instead, let's take a look at some of the *features*
of your AT&T computer system:

* Options
We've got lots of them. So many in fact, that you would need two
strong people to carry around the documentation if we had bothered
to write it. So many that even we don't know what most of them do.
If you don't like it, call Technologies. They'll tell you to see
Figure 1.

* Integrated Voice and Data
What the heck is integrated voice and data? All it means is that you
can talk on the phone while you are typing on your terminal. So what
if the terminal and the phone aren't integrated; that's not what we
advertise. Besides, you probably can't even walk and chew gum at the
same time, much less talk and type. If you can, see Figure 1.

* Unix
We invented it; it's perfect, and we're the only ones who do it
right. We're so happy with it, we put it on every kind of computer
we make. If you want a computer with a stable file system, get a
VAX. Another thing: Those nerds from Berkeley are just troublemaking
hackers who have a productivity complex. They took our operating
system and made it useful, so we told them to see Figure 1.

* Applications Software
We give you MS-word; what else do you want? So what if it is a
clumsy port from another operating system, it works doesn't it?
Well, okay, it sort of works. If you want applications software, get
a Macintosh. We spoke with our applications software people about
this, and they think a lot like we do; they said "see Figure 1."

* Shells
We have two shells; one we sell and one we use. The Bourne shell is
plenty good for trivial little hacks, which is all you do anyway.
Don't ask for the Korn shell either. It's great, everybody at AT&T
has a copy, but we won't give it to you. Besides, if you want to do
anything important, write it in C. We told our shell programmers to
see Figure 1 a long time ago.

* The C Programming Language
We like it so much we named a book after it. You can do anything our
machines can do, which is not very much. Where else can you put so
much unreadable code in such a small space? Besides, you probably
should be programming in the shell anyway; C is too hard for you.
We've already told all our C programmers to see Figure 1.

* Support
We have thousands of service people out there, but most of them are
busy. If your computer breaks, you will just have to wait. Our techs
are rehashed phone installers, so don't expect them to be very
helpful unless it involves tip and ring. If you need real support,
see Figure 1.

In conclusion, stuff your complaint. Love your AT&T computer or
leave it, but don't complain to us. We don't care. We don't have to.
We're the phone company. If you don't like it, you know what to do.

[Editor's Note: "Figure 1," which appears at the bottom in the
original text, is a "universally-recognized hand signal." ;-) ]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: A Glossary of Your PC's Messages
By Kevin Pease

It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

It says: "Press A Key"
(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the
"A" key.)

It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting
error no. 1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only
to be told that it's a hardware problem."

It says: "Installing program to C:\...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows
and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."

It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the
bit below 640K."

It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."

It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."

It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting
your work back."


========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: No Wonder They Call[ed] It "Wow!"

I'd had WOW!(tm) from Compuserve(tm) for about two or three months,
when all of a sudden my e-mail stopped working. I decided to wait a
week or two before calling WOW(tm)'s tech support, just to see if it
would get fixed soon. Finally, I called tech support and told them
what was happening.

Their rep asked how much RAM I had; I told her 16 meg. Then she
asked how much was free. I was wondering, "Now how the ..?"

When she realized I didn't know how to do that she said, "Okay here,
I'll walk you through this. I have a sheet of instructions. First:
open MY COMPUTER, then click the hard drive once. Look at the part
at the bottom of the window ... what does it say under free space?"

WOW! NOW I HAVE 750 MEG OF FREE RAM! Woo-Hoo!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Geek Humour From Apple

Excerpted from the Newton Programmer's Guide:

pp. 10-4, 10-5: Creating Sound Frames Procedurally: The samples slot
in a sound frame as returned by the functions GetSound or GetSound11
does not contain the binary sample data itself. It actually contains
a pointer to this data in your application package. You cannot write
to this slot because in doing so you are actually trying to write to
read-only package data. Do not do this; it wastes your time and
annoys the ROM.

pg. 12-43: The Target Slot: The target slot contains the soup entry
with which the user is working, such as the current card, note, or
caffeine record to be filed.

Of course Apple has always had the most joke-laden manuals. I
remember the boot code in the Apple II's ROM, which was generously
listed in the old spiral-bound manuals. One comment read "Code
from this point on is sacred. It should not be changed." (The 6502
took a little extra time to cross a page boundary, if anyone's
interested.) A little later a comment read "Code from this point on
is no longer sacred. It may be perverted in any manner by any
pervert." There are others, but I've forgotten them over the years.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Fast Guns: The Adventure Continues

Java:
Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, everyone else can shoot
you in the foot, too.

JavaScript:
You can point the gun at your foot, and pull the trigger, but you
don't have access to the bullets.

HTML (W3 standard):


HTML (NS Extension):

CALIBER=.357
BULLET_TYPE=HOLLOWPOINT
TARGET="#foot"
Ouchie! My foot!


(Of course, to shoot someone else in the foot,
TARGET="http://www.appendage.com/Vince/Foot"
and the owner of TARGET must have a compatible browser.)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Fast Guns: The Adventure Drags On

Java: Creating a class Gun will allow you to shoot your foot in a
leisurely manner on machines running the MacOS, Solaris, Linux,
Windows 95 and Windows NT.

Shooting your foot on a Windows 3.x machine clicks on an empty
chamber.

Shooting your foot in Internet Explorer results in a hole in your
head.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Continuing the Programming Language Survey: INTERCAL

Intercal combines the succinctness of assembly language, the
syntactic rigor of SNOBOL,  the readability of FORTRAN, the
input/output model of LISP, line numbers from BASIC ... in short,
all the worst features of computer languages.

From Don Woods's Intercal manual:

INTERCAL's main advantage over other programming languages is its
strict simplicity. It has few capabilities, and thus there are few
restrictions to be kept in mind. Since it is an exceedingly easy
language to learn, one might expect it would be a good language for
initiating novice programmers. Perhaps surprising, than, is the fact
that it would be more likely to initiate a novice into a search for
another line of work. As it turns out, INTERCAL is more useful
(which isn't saying much) as a challenge to professional
programmers.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Macceleration

Q: What's the best way to accelerate a Mac?
A: 9.81 m/s^2

********************************************************************
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************
Rating: (You must be logged in to vote)

Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
Collage 372              H u m o u r N e t              12 Oct 1997



Okay, this is getting out of hand. In Collage 371, I retro-credited
"The Onion," , for two pieces that had
previously run on HumourNet without proper credit. As it turned out
(*sigh*), Collage 371 contained yet *another* piece from The Onion:
"Hillbilly Fission."

PLEASE include the author credit whenever you swipe something from
a Web site, okay? Irresponsible copying and forwarding practices are
leading many top-notch sites (like The Onion) to pull their material
from the Web. Let's clean up our acts, okay?

Preferably BEFORE someone sues *my* butt off, too ...



Sorry that I have not yet had time to pull together the Annual
HumourNet Unsubscription Fee Collage (or, "How do all these people
learn how to eat and breathe?"), but I have something just as good
for you: Another installment of the Stupid Criminal Hall of Shame ...

Today's StupidCam(tMS) takes us to Georgetown County, South Carolina,
where a sixteen-year-old aspiring professional burglar tried to
break into a home through the chimney. Unfortunately for our hero,
all those hours spent watching MTV hadn't done anything for his
figure -- and he became lodged in the chimney.

Enter several angry wasps, who were less than thrilled with our
FIA (Future Idiots of America) member's attempt to block access to
their place of residence. *Several* disciplinary stings later, and
our hero is ready to be caught, extricated, and whisked off to the
local hospital -- where the state is allowed to pay for treatment
while they file charges for breaking and entering.

But it's not his fault! You heard it right -- our boy is innocent,
ladies and gentlemen. He informed the police that he was on the roof
SOLELY so that he could smoke some crack in peace -- and accidentally
dropped his lighter down the chimney while trying to light his crack
pipe.

I'm sure that our FIA member was a wee bit surprised when the local
law enforcement decided to add "possession of narcotics" to the bill.

But that's not all -- no, the StupidCam(tMS) has been pretty busy
lately ...

In Nevada, an armed robber held up a convenience store. The quick-
thinking store clerk asked if he could call his wife, and our
apparently dull-witted hero (of sorts) agreed. Luckily, the woman at
"911" who handled the call didn't take offense at being called
"Honey," and dispatched some of Nevada's finest to the store.

In an interview with the [probably incredulous] media, the criminal
was quoted as saying, "You just can't trust anyone anymore."

Ain't that the truth.

And the final stop for our StupidCam(tMS) is Long Island (Lawnk
Oilant), where a woman accused of breaking into vending machines
and stealing money paid her US$400 bail -- in coins. Only the
best and the brightest for Long Island.

And only the best and the brightest for the subscriber-contributed
portion of tonight's show ...

Lincoln in Fruit Heights (is that a real place?), Utah, kicks off
tonight's festivities with "Footloose and Synapse Free";

Trent in Petersham, Australia, follows through with "Obviously Using
Too Much of His Own Crop" (that's "crop," with an "oh");

Rosemary in London, England, takes credit for "Chronicles of the
Terminally Lazy and Equally Witless";

Justin U. brings us "Chronicles of the Terminally Witless -- Take
Two";

Jim in Los Angeles, California, contributes, "When In Doubt, Call
911";

Terry in Charlotte, North Carolina, sends along "Is This a Holdup Or
Are You Just Happy to See Me";

Louisa in Mansfield, Nottinghamshire, England, accepts kudos for the
piece entitled, "Damned Amateurs";

Curt in Portland, Oregon, contributes "The Food Isn't THAT Bad";

and Lenore in Virginia Beach, Virginia, closes this one out with a
great piece entitled, "Pointers for the Aspiring Criminal." (Now,
from just *looking* at this piece, I've no doubt that someone --
not Lenore, however -- failed to provide due credit on it. If you
know of the proper credit for the piece, please send it to me so
that I can retro-credit the piece in the archives. Thanks!)

As always, a big round of applause for our contributors!

Enjoy! And be glad that you're not featured in any of these....
(You're not, are you?)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Footloose and Synapse Free

A recent event reported on the Salt Lake City TV news stations tells
the sad tale of a man needing to find a new vocation.

Sunday, February 2, a man stole a car from in front of an apartment
building. During his get-away, the suspect came upon three buddies
on their way to go hunting. The suspect stopped and pretending to
have a gun got $10 from the first hunter, and an 'I can't find my
wallet' dodge from the second. The third hunter was waiting for his
turn, with his hand gun drawn on the suspect, who fled back to the
stolen car. The hunters called police with a description of the car
and license plate number.

Minutes later, the suspect was found by police in a seedy section of
town attempting to buy drugs. Spotting the approaching police, the
suspect jumped into the car and began a two-block chase which ended
in an occupied rail crossing. Abandoning the car, the suspect tried
to jump between two slow-moving rail cars. Our unfortunate thief
slipped and fell between cars, losing a foot under the wheels of the
train.

The TV stations were clear to close the story with the following
fact: Two years ago the suspect lost his *other* foot when he
accidentally blew it off with a recently-stolen hunting rifle.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Obviously Using Too Much of His Own Crop

There was an item on the news a few months ago about a guy who was
arrested for growing marijuana. Now here comes his expression of
absolute stupidity: He got caught by sending an entry in to
Australia's Funniest Home Videos of him inviting people to inspect
his crop -- complete with his address name and home phone number.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Chronicles of the Terminally Lazy and Equally Witless

Written by Paul Sussman and published in "The Big Issue"

MAD WORLD: Thieves have been displaying even greater obtuseness than
that with which they are generally associated ...

In Ealing, West London, a man robbed the bank next door to his own
house. "I didn't have a getaway car," he explained, "so I needed
something within walking distance."

Equally witless were the actions of American burglar Waylon
Prendergast, who committed a spur-of-the-moment robbery while on his
way home from a late-night drinking session. An inebriated Mr
Prendergast, 37, of Tampa, had forced his way into the house through
an open upstairs window, duly filling a suitcase with cash and
valuables before setting the living room on fire to cover his
tracks. He then escaped through the back door and made his way home,
chuckling all the way. Only as he turned the corner into his own
street, however, and discovered three fire engines outside his
house, did he realise that in his drunkenness he had, in fact,
burgled and ignited his own property. "I had no idea I had so many
valuable possessions", said the chastened crook.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Chronicles of the Terminally Witless -- Take Two
Excerpted from the Toronto Star

PETERBOROUGH, Canada -- Gerald Dixon, 26, of Oshawa walked into a
Bank of Montreal branch and, claiming he was armed with a gun,
robbed $2,600 (Canadian). He was arrested the same day when he
returned to the same branch and attempted to make a $2,000 cash
deposit.

Dixon was found guilty and sentenced to six and a half years in prison.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: When In Doubt, Call 911

REDONDO BEACH (CNS) -- When there's trouble, everybody needs the cops
-- even a would-be burglar.

Redondo Beach police Capt. Jeff Cameron said the story unfolded like
this earlier today:

Somebody saw a man, later identified as 35-year-old Larry Scott
Bell, trying door handles on cars and trucks parked in the 2700
block of Rockefeller Lane today.

At one point, the suspect picked up a concrete utility meter cover
and tried to smash out the rear window of a van. He should have
checked first.

Keith Dennis Brumm, 55, was sitting inside the van and holding a
.38- caliber revolver.

"Stop or I'll shoot," the Redondo Beach resident told the mortified
-- then terrified -- malefactor.

Bell did stop for a moment. Then he ran to a Mobil gasoline station
at Artesia Boulevard and Inglewood Avenue.

"Call the police!" he yelled.

The cops showed up a few minutes later and took Bell into custody,
after several witnesses identified him as the man they had seen
trying to break into vehicles. He was taken to the city jail, booked
and held on $15,000 bail.

Cameron was philosophical about the turnabout tale. "We don't make
this stuff up," he said.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Is This a Holdup Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
Excerpted from , "What's Up" section

"Zucchini Bandit Busted"

The Zucchini Bandit drew 18 years to life in prison for a holdup
with a concealed vegetable. Carlos Diaz, 29, was convicted of
robbing a man of $20 and a watch by pretending a zucchini hidden
under his jacket was a gun. Defense attorney Steven Silberblatt had
argued that Diaz was innocently shopping for vegetables.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Damned Amateurs
Excerpted from the Daily Mirror, 4 June 1997

A bungling burglar took a taxi to flee from a break-in -- and left a
stolen TV on the back seat.

When the cabbie took the set to police, they realised it was from a
raid and the burglar was arrested a few hours later.

Newcastle Crown Court was told in defence that "This offence lacked
all the hallmarks of professionalism".

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Food Isn't THAT Bad

"Two Arrested For Fast Food Toilet Theft"

BUENOS AIRES (Reuter) - Two Argentine men were arrested Tuesday
after trying to escape on a motor scooter with a toilet they had
stolen from a hamburger restaurant.

The two -- aged 22 and 20 -- entered a fast food outlet in the
northern Argentine city of Resistencia and asked to use the toilet,
which they then wrenched out and ran off with, said police quoted by
the official Telam news agency.

They jumped onto their scooter and were pursued for several blocks
before police caught them and were able to return the toilet to its
rightful owners.

It was unclear what they wanted to do with the toilet.

[Editor's Note: This one almost went into the "Stupid Journalism"
pile (though, surprisingly, I don't have one). "It was unclear what
they wanted to do with the toilet." How many different uses are
there for a toilet? Well, outside of West Virginia -- where they
make fine front-yard planters for perennials. Investigative
journalism at its best. ]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Pointers for the Aspiring Criminal

It has become commonplace to read in our newspapers of a crime
somewhere in America amusingly bungled by the criminal's ineptitude.
Droll though these news items may be, they reflect an overlooked
cost of our current national crisis in education. The basic
learning skills of criminals have deteriorated to a shocking degree.

Consider the following:

  o A bank robber in Bumpus, Tenn., handed a teller the following
    note: "Watch out. This is a rubbery. I hav an oozy traned on
    your but. Dump the in a sack, this one. No die packkets or other
    triks or I will tare you a new naval. No kwarter with red stuff
    on them, too."

Dr. Creon V.B. Smyk of the Ohio Valley Educational Council says such
notes are, lamentably, the rule. "Right across the board, we see
poor pre-writing skills, problems with omissions, tense, agreement,
spelling and clarity," he moaned.

Smyk believes that the quality of robbery notes could be improved if
criminals could be taught to plan before writing. "We have to stress
organization: Make an outline of your robbery note before you write
it," he said. "Some of the notes get totally sidetracked on issues
like the make, model and caliber of the gun, number of bullets,
etc., until one loses sight of the main idea -- the robbery."

  o In Bent Forks, Ill., kidnapers of ice-cube magnate Worth
    Bohnke sent a photograph of their captive to Bohnke's family.
    Bohnke was seen holding up a newspaper. It was not that day's
    edition and, in fact, bore a prominent headline relating to
    Nixon's trip to China. This was pointed out to the kidnapers in
    a subsequent phone call. They responded by sending a new
    photograph showing an up-to-date newspaper. Bohnke, however, did
    not appear in the picture. When this, too, was refused, the
    kidnapers became peevish and insisted that a photograph be sent
    to them showing all the people over at Bohnke's house holding
    different issues of _Success_ magazine. They provided a mailing
    address and were immediately apprehended. They later admitted to
    FBI agents they did not understand the principle involved in the
    photograph/newspaper concept. "We thought it was just some kind
    of tradition," said one.

Educators agree that such mix-ups point to poor reasoning and
comprehension skills, ignorance of current events, and failure to
complete work in the time allotted.

  o Burglars in Larch Barrens, Md., tried to cut through a safe
    using a Lazer Tag gun.
    
  o Industrial thieves broke into the Bilgetek plant in Canasta,
    Wash., by crossing a metal catwalk and then blew it up, having
    forgotten it was their only means of escape.
    
  o Rustlers in Spavin, N.D., made off with three Saint Bernard
    dogs, a stationary bicycle and the visiting in-laws of a farmer,
    after having failed to correctly identify the valuable cattle on
    the premises.

"No problem-solving abilities, no communication skills, no 'plays
and relates well with others,' no nothing," FBI regional director J.
Paine Bloomey said, reviewing the state of modern criminality. "We
are talking plain, flat-out, hard-boiled, stupid as pea turkeys." By
contrast, Japanese criminals score in the range 10 to 15 points
higher than their American counterparts in basic skills tests. In
the Japanese underworld, it is considered a matter of honor to
execute a thoughtful, grammatical, error-free crime.

Still, experts such as Smyk stop short of demanding a total overhaul
of the educational system. "For all their acumen," he says,
"Japanese criminals wind up sacrificing a lot of the joie de vivre
you see in our guys."

********************************************************************
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************
Rating: (You must be logged in to vote)

Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
Collage 377              H u m o u r N e t              19 Nov 1997

Several of you pointed out that Collage 376, which was an anti-
Microsoft Collage, was rather a bit similar in theme to Collage 374,
which was -- you guessed it -- an anti-Microsoft Collage. Well, you
see, it's like this: I knew that I was behind on getting Collage 376
out the door, after the smashing success (as measured by the depth of
e-mail in my IN box) that was Collage 375, so I kinda rushed, and
simply did a quick listing of all the "raw collages" that I have on
file, and selected the second-largest one (there's a LOT of MS humour
out there!) and didn't have time to check whether I'd recently sent

                      OKAY, SO I SCREWED UP!

Sheesh! Ya do this for nearly three years (has it been that long?),
and you make ONE little mistake and they're on you like vultures. Or
wolves. Or whatever it is that goes after humour-list moderators.

So I decided to select a less ubiquitous topic for Collage 377.
Anyone who complains will have his unsubscription fee doubled.
(More on that later.) In the meantime, I might as well capitalize on
the fallout from the most recent Collages ...

Dylan in San Francisco sent this to me in response to my comments in
Collage 376 ("Microsoft Humour"):

    VS> Many thanks to our contributors! And to everyone, please be
    VS> patient while I dig myself out from under my current mail
    VS> load (and get the net.humour hierarchy set up). While I'm
    VS> doing that, you might not hear much from me/HumourNet;
    VS> apologies in advance for that.

    DK> No fix!?!?! You could at least throw together 377: "Getting
    DK> By Without HumourNet" to help us through the interim!

I might have to work on that. It'd have to include things like
"Overcoming HumourNet 101: Getting a life," "Alternate activities
for those nights when you can't connect to the 'Net: Finding the T.V.
remote," and "Feeding the dog: Fifteen reasons why you can count
Fido's ribs."

Continuing Dylan's comments from Collage 376:

    VS> P.S. -- As always, "Microsoft," "Windows," and "Windows '95"
    VS> are trademarks of well-known international terrorists.

    DK> Better watch out... other international terrorists (the ones
    DK> known more for their outright physical violence such as
    DK> suicide bombings in Jerusalem) might take offense to that!

Good point. For my own safety, I'd like to point out to Hamas that
there was no implied similarity between them and Microsoft. After all,
when Microsoft's stuff explodes, no one really notices.



And Greg in Chelmsford, Massachusetts, helps us close out the
unfinished business on Collage 375 (the "1997 Unsub Fee Collage") by
suggesting a possible use for the Unsub Fee proceeds:

    GM> You might use the extra proceeds to upgrade to a slightly
    GM> better nursing home for The Olde Broad... or you might not!

Not. Our only criterion for her New Home(tMS) is cost. So far, we've
found a very nice place in downtown Newark, New Jersey ...

    GM> BTW: The P.C. term for those who choose not to grow up is:
    GM> Chronologically Mature.

I like it! Befitting the spirit of politically correct terminology,
it requires more typed characters than its non-PC counterpart.

As we all are now well aware, "equality" and "unoffensive terminology"
are mere decoys for the *true* purpose of PC: To increase the number
of syllables required to convey a thought, thereby misleading the
Room Temperature IQ Crowd(tMS) into believing that they are engaging
in intelligent conversation.

If they weren't members of the Intellectual Proletariat(tMS) to begin
with, they wouldn't be responsible for stupidity such as this:



"FIRST-GRADER MUST REMEMBER THIS: A KISS IS MORE THAN JUST A KISS"
Excerpted from "The News And Observer," Raleigh, North Carolina
Sept. 25, 1996
Yes, *1996*.
This is a humour service, not a news service, you know.

LEXINGTON -- Violence is a concern in many schools, but here the
latest problem is with affection.

It involves one Johnathan Prevette, a first-grader who kissed a girl
and made the officials cry -- "sexual harassment."

The kissing crisis began when a teacher saw Prevette's lips-to-cheek
contact and reported it to the principal, who decided the first-grader
should be punished under the school's sexual harassment policy.

(Well, lucky for us those teachers don't have any more-significant
classroom issues to deal with than worrying about 6-year-olds
kissing each other on the cheeks.)

"A 6-year-old kissing another 6-year-old is inappropriate behavior,"
school spokeswoman Jane Martin said. "Unwelcome is unwelcome at any
age."

[...] Johnathan first said he kissed the girl because she asked him
to, [Prevette's mother] said, but added later that he was expressing
friendship.

(The juxtaposition of those comments is interesting. Also of interest
is that [apparently] no one asked the *girl* whether the smooch was
unwelcome. I guess they were too busy protecting her from her
childhood.)

[...] Martin said the rules for Lexington students of all ages are
clear:

(To whom?)

... "A basic school rule, even in the elementary grades, is that
students are to keep their hands, feet, and objects to themselves."

(Gotta watch those "objects" -- right, Jane? )

Parents are to explain to their children the conduct the schools
prohibit, Martin said. Rules are outlined in a student handbook given
to each child at the start of the school year. Parents are to sign
and return to their child's school confirmation that the parent
combed the book and explained the dos and don'ts, Martin said.

[...] But explaining all the intricacies isn't always needed, she
said.

(No, not at all. Removing school spokeswomen who were potty trained
at three months is needed.)

... As with the school system's policy on bringing weapons to school,
the sexual harassment policy makes no distinction for the age of the
student.

(And we both know just what "weapon" Johnathan brought with him to
school, don't we, Jane?)

[...] As a punishment, young Prevette was barred from a coloring
[party] and an ice-cream party. He also was warned that further
bussing would get him suspended.

[...] "This makes children wonder, "Should I hug somebody?'"
[Prevette's mother said]. "It's no wonder we have all these people
with behavior problems."

(Wake County Public Schools: "Grooming Tomorrow's Postal Workers.")



I've long said that PC is really just an institutionalized
manifestation of insecurity. Now I have the proof to back it up.

Oh, am I going to hear it from the bleeding hearts in the audience.
(Remember, I reserve the right to publish, here on HumourNet,
*anything* that is sent to my moderator's account. And I'll even make
an exception, just for this Collage: Even pleas of "Please don't run
this on HumourNet" (and the like) will fall on deaf ears. Type
carefully.) Thus, I'd best be moving along here ...

Michael in Cleveland, Ohio, begins this PC lesson with "The PC Guide
to the NFL";

another Michael -- this one very close by, in Cleveland Heights, Ohio
-- contributes "PC Punctuation";

Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado, sends us "Proper Procedure";

Philip in Alameda, California, continues the "Programming Languages"
theme -- typically the domain of the "Geek" Collages -- with "The
Lesser-Known Programming Languages #1027: pC";

Lorraine in Katy, Texas, sends us some PC "California Girls";

Walter in Ottawa, Canada, expands our PC vocabularies with "More PC
Terminology";

Jane (a very PC person) in Atlanta, Georgia, takes credit for "Turning
the Tables";

and Craig in Minneapolis, Minnesota, closes out Collage 377 with
"Tastes Like Chicken."

A huge thanks to our contributors -- and an extra-big thanks to Walter
in Raleigh, North Carolina, for sending me the entire "Johnathan
Prevette" story (pathetic as it was).

Go forth and be anti-PC ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: The PC Guide to the NFL

Sure, football is a violence-glorifying testosterone orgy that
should be banned. But that doesn't mean that you can't enjoy it when
you're not out spiking trees or protesting your local gas station as
a pollution-mongering crime against the Earth.

But when you're watching 22 steroid-chomping overmuscled monsters
(i.e, men) try to beat each other senseless in a series of
imperialist land grabs, how do you know whom to cheer for?

We have the answer: Ranking the entire NFL in terms of What We Know
Is Right ...

Our General Principles:

1. Any animal is better than any human.

2. Endangered animals are better than non-endangered animals.

3. Native Americans are better than other oppressed/discriminated
minorities are better than any other human.

4. Humans guilty of crimes against other humans are better than
humans guilty of crimes against animals are better than humans
guilty of crimes against the Earth.

5. Team names that aren't PC need to be fixed.

Some Special Cases:

1. Dolphins are the ultimate.

2. People who believe in their country are the absolute worst --
even lower than whale doodoo.

And so, the Rankings:

1. Miami Noble, Intelligent, and Wise Dolphins
2. Philadelphia Endangered Bald Eagles
    Atlanta Endangered Peregrine Falcons
    Cincinnati Endangered Bengal Tigers
    Chicago Endangered Grizzly Bears
6. Los Angeles Sort-Of-Endangered Rams
7. Seattle Generic Sea Birds, Some Of Which Are Endangered
8. Denver Horses Ridden Abusively By Humans
9. Detroit Lions
    Indianapolis Colts
11. Washington Native Americans
12. Kansas City Native American Leaders
13. Cleveland Players Of Color
14. New York Vertically and Gravitationally Enhanced Players
15. New Orleans Sanctimonious Morals-Imposers
16. Phoenix Religious Hierarchy (don't let the bird fool you)
17. Los Angeles Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists
    Tampa Bay Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists
19. Green Bay Packers of Dead, Abused Animal Flesh
20. New York Air-and-Noise-Polluting, Bird-Scaring Aircraft
21. Minnesota Fur-and-Horn-Wearing Pillagers
22. Buffalo Wild West Show Stars and Cattle Abusers
23. Dallas Cattle Murderers and Native American Exploiters
24. San Diego Electricity Consumers
25. Houston Oil-Spilling Well-Drilling Natural Resource Wasters
26. Pittsburgh Coal-Burning Smog-Generating Metalworkers
27. San Francisco Gold Profiteers
28. New England White Male Gun-Carrying Tree-Chopping Imperialist Dogs

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: PC Punctuation

[Editor's Note: Michael is responding to Nigel's "Affirmative
Spelling" piece in Collage 296. ]

[...] Nigel's piece was completely wrong, because we can't use
"periods" any more, as they're gender specific. We must use the
puncu-tron.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Proper Procedure

Excerpted from a customer complaint letter sent to The Body Shop:

    I recently shampooed my pet rabbit with Body Shop shampoo.
    Its eyes bulged out and turned red. If you tested your stuff
    on animals like everyone else, this sort of thing wouldn't
    happen.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Lesser-Known Programming Languages #1027: pC

pC is a strongly stereotyped, dysfunctional language. In pC, the
evaluation of an expression results in an emotion rather than a
value, since pC is value-neutral.

pC supports polyculturalism, which is the ability of a dysfunction
to make arguments based on various stereotypes.

A program in pC must demonstrate p-correctness. To facilitate
demonstration of p-correctness, pC supports affirmations rather than
assertions.

Every program in pC requires exactly twelve steps.

pC has found wide acceptance in academic computing. Among other
applications, it has been used to implement the revolutionary
black-and-white windowing system, Malcolm X Windows.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: California Girls?

From this morning's "Age," the Melbourne daily paper: An English
music magazine reports that a feminist group has asked radio stations
to ban the Beach Boys' song "California Girls" because its lyrics are
"patronising, demeaning and inapropriate."

So, we have rewritten it for the nineties ...

*** California Girls (1965)

Well, east coast girls are hip
I really dig the styles they wear.
And the Southern girls
with the way they talk,
they knock me out when I'm down there.

The midwest farmers' daughters
really make me feel all right.
And the northern girls
with the way they kiss,
they keep their boyfriends warm at night

I wish they all could be California girls.

*** California Sisters (1997)

Females on the east coast are socially aware
I greatly admire their dress sense.
And females south of the Mason-Dixon line,
because of their idiosyncratic speech patterns,
leave me incredulous whenever I visit.

Those women born to land owners and tillers
imbue in me a wonderful sense of well being.
And young women residing in northern states,
with the singular manner of their intimate facial contact,
help young males of their acquaintance maintain appropriate
body temperatures when persistent evening chills threaten,
social mores notwithstanding.

In my opinion, they would all make excellent residents of California.

[Editor's Note: This is a mere *translation* of the words. To make
the song *really* PC, we need to translate the meaning, too ...

*** California Womyn (1997, PC)

Well, east coast womyn are socially aware
as are their counterparts everywhere else.
And womyn south of the Mason-Dixon line,
because of their regionally-enhanced speech patterns,
leave men even more clueless than they normally are.

Those womyn born to land owners and tillers
imbue in men a wonderful sense of well being,
as do all their equals around the world.
And womyn of all ages residing in northern states,
with the singular manner of their intimate facial contact,
help young males of their acquaintance maintain appropriate
body temperatures when persistent evening chills threaten.
Of course, the whole "I'm cold" thing is really just an excuse.
Nor will we mention that those males have ONE THING on their
stability-challenged little minds.

In my opinion, all womyn are just fine right where they are.

(Heh.) ]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More PC Terminology

PC term for a "premature" baby: Gestationally Challenged.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Turning the Tables

An [apparently] popular saying at a female single-sex college: "It's
not a girls' school without men, it's a women's college without boys."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Tastes Like Chicken

A man is caught, by a forest ranger, sitting at a makeshift campfire,
and, to the ranger's horror, eating a bald eagle. The man is
consequently jailed for the crime. On the day of his trail, the
conversation goes something like this:

JUDGE: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

MAN: "Yes I do. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what
happened."

JUDGE: "Proceed."

MAN: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two
weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping
down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle
I could maybe steal the fish. I caught up with the eagle who lighted
upon a tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle
hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my
weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle
squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and
hard about what had happened, but figured that since I'd killed it,
I might as well eat it, since it would be more disgraceful to let it
rot on the ground.

"And that was when the good ranger found me."

JUDGE: "The court will recess while we consider your testimony."

Fifteen minutes later ...

JUDGE: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because
you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the
charges."

The judge then leans over the bench and whispers, "If you don't mind
my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

MAN: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can
describe is it's somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted
Owl."

********************************************************************
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************
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Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
Collage 379              H u m o u r N e t              07 Dec 1997



Since I like to support HumourNet subscribers on worthwhile, Net-
related endeavors, I'd like to mention an "Internet Privacy and
Anonymity" survey that is being conducted by Philip in Woodbridge,
Virginia. The survey comes in two flavors:

Multiple choice:
Essay:

(This survey is being conducted for a law-school course.)



Sorry for the delay on Collage 379 -- I've been busy with the
net.humour hierarchy. The current layout is thus:

MODERATED:

  net.humour.funny  -- All the humour that's fit to print.
    moderator: Vince Sabio
    submissions: net.humour.funny@humournet.com

  net.humour.bawdy -- All the humour that's not fit to print
    moderator: Shawn King, Bawdy.Net moderator
    submissions: net.humour.bawdy@humournet.com

  net.humour.religion -- Religious
    moderator: Rus Jeffrey, our own Official HumourNet List Chaplain
    submissions: net.humour.religion@humournet.com

OPEN POSTING:

  net.humour.open -- Anything you like, as long as it's not risque.

  net.humour.off-colour -- The material that shouldn't be posted to
                           net.humour.open

  net.humour.talk -- "Yack"group ; if you think you're witty, then
                     this group is for you.

Also: Since I receive more submissions to HumourNet than I can easily
run (what with my ridiculously-low posting rate), some material that
is submitted will be posted to net.humour.funny, instead. Typically,
it will post with your e-mail address; if that is not acceptable,
then please include a note to that effect with your submission, so I
know to remove your e-mail address before posting.

Also, nearly all time-critical submissions will be posted to n.h.f,
since material takes anywhere from weeks to more than a year to make
it through the HumourNet Mill(tm).

And now for the stars of our show: "Stupid Criminals, And The
Subscribers Who Submit Them To HumourNet" ...

Brian starts this one off with "Natural Selection At Work";

Irene in Las Vegas, Nevada, brings us "Natural Selection, Take Two";

Robert in New York City submits "Doesn't Run With Scissors";

Rohit sends along the piece, "How NOT To Rob A Bank -- The Adventure
Continues" (part of our continuing "How To" series on this subject);

Michel -- at Univ. Strasbourg in France, -- contributes "The Perfect
Heist: Quick, Clean, No Paperwork or Drawn-Out Trial";

Louisa in Mansfield, Nottinghamshire, England, sends us someone who
is "Not Quite Clear on the Concept";

Glenn in Auburn, Alabammy, contributes "The Perils of Illiteracy";

and Carol in Davis, California, takes credit for submitting "The
Perils of Sheer Stupidity."

Many thanks for the new entrants into the Stupid-Criminal Hall of
Shame. (At this rate, I'm going to have to build a new wing on the
Hall.)

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Natural Selection At Work

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record store, waving their
revolvers in the air. One yelled "NOBODY MOVES!!"

His partner moved, so ... he shot him.

"I [was] a little nervous," he was quoted as saying.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Natural Selection, Take Two

At a local mom-and-pop convenience store in Las Vegas, a drunk
felon-type walked in and started waving a gun. For quite some time
he terrorized the elderly owner who was standing behind the counter.
While he was so involved, a woman who had been playing slots slipped
out of the store, walked to her car and called 911 to report the
incident.

While she was still on the phone, the police (five cars) came
screeching up. By this time our would-be Jesse James had robbed the
old man and was walking toward his car. The gun was still in full
view, by the way.

The police took cover behind a car, drew their weapons, and ordered
the felon to stop. He did not look at them (apparently with the idea
that if he didn't acknowledge them, they'd go away) and continued on
toward his car. When he got to his car, he discovered an unfortunate
thing. His car was running, his lights were on, his doors were
locked, and his keys were in the ignition. He decided at that time
that he'd just mosey away from the scene. The cops were still yelling
at him to stop and drop the gun, by the way.

He stopped in front of a solid concrete wall (big mistake) and fired
two shots in the general direction of the officers. Five of the six
officers emptied their guns into our crook. One officer did not,
because he had an elk hunting trip to Idaho for which he had already
paid, and knew that if he fired his gun, he'd be on administrative
leave. (That meant that he would not be allowed to leave the area.)

The crook's family failed in their attempt to sue the police, by the
way.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: "Doesn't Run With Scissors"

I used to work in a bank while going to college, and the head
teller, a sweet grandmother type, related this little tale:

One day a would-be robber walked up to her window and passed a note
demanding all her money. She handed it back to him and stated that
he would have to get a bank officer's approval first. Bright light
that he was, he walked over to the service desk and proceeded to
wait on line. Meanwhile, she picked up the phone and called the
police station across the street to report the crime.

He was still waiting when they arrested him.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: How NOT To Rob A Bank -- The Adventure Continues
Excerpted from The Washington Post, June 4, 1997, page B03;
story by Brooke A. Masters, Washington Post staff writer

So you want to rob a bank. Here's how not to do it:

Don't walk barefaced into the bank.

Don't rob a bank at the same U.S. Army post where you work.

And above all, don't go back to the same bank, talk to the same
teller and try to deposit the same bills into your own account.

Daniel Christian Bowden, a 20-year-old military policeman at Fort
Belvoir, stands accused of ignoring all those rules.

He was arrested at the Fort Belvoir Federal Credit Union on Monday
afternoon after a teller there thought she recognized him as the man
who had stolen $4,759 at her window May 21, according to an FBI
affidavit filed yesterday in federal court in Alexandria.

The teller who had been robbed motioned Bowden over to her window,
according to the affidavit and credit union officials.

"She felt if she could hear him speak and look into his eyes, she
could identify him," said Patty Kimmel, credit union chief executive
officer.

Bowden said he wanted to wire $2,900 to his home state of Texas, and
he pushed a pile of money over the counter for deposit in his
account, the affidavit said.

The teller then took the money into the back room and began
comparing the serial numbers with those of bills taken 12 days
earlier. The first two $5 bills matched, and the credit union called
the military police, the affidavit said.

When the Fort Belvoir MPs arrived, they were in for a shock. Bowden,
a private, is one of their own and has had FBI training on handling
bank robberies, law enforcement officials said.

[Editor's Note: Apparently, they didn't cover the "how to COMMIT bank
robberies" section in sufficient detail for this guy. ]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Perfect Heist: Quick, Clean, No Paperwork or Drawn-Out Trial
Excerpted from The Seattle Times, February 4, 1990

On February 3, 1990, David Zaback, 33 -- a Renton (Seattle area) man
-- tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt,
as suggested by his lack of a record of violent crime, and by his
terminally stupid choice:

    1.The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;

    2.The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
    fraction of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed
    handguns in public places;

    3.To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked King County
    Police patrol car parked at the front door;

    4.An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having
    coffee before reporting to duty.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and
fired a few wild shots.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from
the gene pool.

Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No
one else was hurt.

The officer was Timothy Lally, 49, an 18-year veteran of the force.
The clerk was Danny Morris.

[Editor's Note: Decorate those men! ]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Not Quite Clear on the Concept
Excerpted from the Daily Mirror (UK), July 17, 1997

A young man decided to blackmail a well-known supermarket chain by
threatening to contaminate the foods on sale there. He sent a note
demanding 30,000 pounds to be paid into his bank account and
provided, (just to make sure that they got the right amount into the
right account) his bank account number.

Not surprisingly he was soon caught and convicted.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Perils of Illiteracy

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the
branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might
call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the
Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells
Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors
that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she
could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank
of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a
Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left the Wells
Fargo. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested
the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the
Bank of America.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Perils of Sheer Stupidity
Excerpted from The Davis (CA) Enterprise, Aug 3, 1997

A Davis man who allegedly stole another man's vehicle was arrested
Friday when he went to the car owner's house and demanded his
personal items from the car.

David Joseph Carrozzo, 19, allegedly stole a 1986 Honda Civic on
July 18 from the Amtrak parking lot, 840 Second St. The owner
reported it missing the next day, and on July 20, a Davis police
officer found it at West Manor Park.

A teenage boy nearby admitted to knowing who had stolen the car, but
would not reveal the name, so the officer returned the car to the
owner.

[Editor's Note: Carol adds, "In Davis, the town where snoring too
loudly can get you a citation for violating the noise ordinance,
the police have to let you go if you still won't talk after they say
'pretty please with sugar on it.'" These guys apparently need to
spend more time with the LAPD. ]

Then, on Friday, Carrozzo appeared at the owner's house demanding
his property back. Instead, the owner called police, who arrested
Carrozzo on suspicion of stealing the car. He was lodged at Yolo
County Jail.

The teenager was also arrested, but police released him to his
father.

********************************************************************
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************
Rating: (You must be logged in to vote)

Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
Collage 380              H u m o u r N e t              16 Dec 1997

No intro necessary ...



"Women Sign Up To Cover Risk Of A Virgin Birth"
Excerpted from the "Electronic Telegraph"
By Jenny McCartney

THREE hundred British women have taken out insurance against having
a "Virgin Birth by Act of God" -- in expectation of a Second Coming
in the year 2000.

The policy, offered by City insurance brokers Goodfellow Rebecca
Ingrams Pearson (GRIP), promises to pay out 1 million [pounds] in
the event of a virgin birth, in exchange for an annual payment of
100 [pounds]. The policy has banked nearly 30,000 [pounds] of
premium in the first two weeks of being launched.

(Uh, when these women were told to "Get a GRIP!", I somehow doubt
that an insurance policy was being suggested.)

Simon Burgess, managing director of GRIP and a former Lloyd's
underwriter, said: "Women from 18-year-olds to pensioners have taken
out the policy. It is a genuine issue for them. They want a Second
Coming to happen -- and so they're tempting fate."

(I would just like all of you to know that I'm not going for the
"cheap shots" here. I've *noticed* them -- I've even *considered*
them. But I'm not going for them. Just so you know.)

The policy was inspired by a recent punchy Church of England
advertising campaign that referred to the virgin birth.

Soon after, members of a women-only religious sect approached the
firm and took out policies.

(And, shortly thereafter, went down to their local sperm bank ...)

GRIP has built up a reputation for broking unusual insurance
policies. In the wake of the BSE scare, more than 1,300 people have
taken out a policy against contracting Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease.
And 600 prostitutes took out one insuring them against backache. A
scheme insuring against impregnation by an alien had been taken out
by 723 people in four weeks, said Mr Burgess.

(Too bad Paulina Porizkova didn't take out one of those "alien"
policies.)

"The soaring popularity of insurance policies against highly
improbable events was a sad reflection on British society," he said.
"You must never underestimate the stupidity of the British public.

(Ah! Yet another trait that the Brits have in common with Americans.)

"We're getting more interest from virgins, prostitutes and people
who believe in aliens than people who will take out a policy that is
likely to pay off."

(It's probably safer than trying, "Daddy, you're not going BELIEVE
how this happened....")



And while we're on the subject of virgin births, it's probably high
time for another God(tMS) Collage ...

Ken in Lafayette, Louisiana, starts off Collage 380 with "Total
Recall";

Shawn King (the Bawdy.Net moderator -- beware ) in Vancouver,
B.C., follows up with "Let God Take What He Wants," and the "Lord's
Prayer";

Randy in Texas brings us "Bigger in Texas";

Randy Cassingham in snowy Boulder, Colorado, (hope your house gets
hit by an avalanche ;-) takes credit for submitting the most
economical means of salvation I've seen yet, in "We're All SAVED";

Jake in New York City provides the complete list of the "Numbers of
the Beast";

and Richard in Phoenix finishes off with "Pax Vobiscum."

Many thanks to all our contributors -- and especially to Robert in
Freeport, Texas, who sent me the "Virgin Birth" news story.

Pax vobiscum ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Total Recall

There were two preachers who were very good friends. One day, Rev.
Fred asked Rev. Bob why he looked so glum.

"My bicycle is gone," he replied, "and I think someone from my
congregation stole it."

"Well," replied Rev. Fred, "here's what you do. Next Sunday, preach
on the Ten Commandments. When you come to the one about 'Thou Shalt
Not Steal,' REALLY stress it, and the person who stole your bike
should feel guilty enough to return it."

So he did. And the next Monday, along came Rev. Bob on his bicycle.
"Hey!" cried his friend, "I see that it worked!"

"Well, kind of," said Rev. Bob, somewhat sheepishly. "No one batted
an eye when I talked about stealing. But when I got to 'Thou Shalt
Not Commit Adultery,' I suddenly remembered where I left my
bicycle."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Let God Take What He Wants

A minister, a priest and a rabbi were comparing their respective
faiths, and talk came around to the use of their communities'
contributions to their establishments, and the way they divide it
with the Lord(tm).

"I," said the minister, "draw a line on the ground, and throw all
the money of the collection in the air. What lands on one side goes
to the church, what lands on the other is mine."

The priest nodded his head, and said "My method is similar, only I
draw a circle on the ground. What lands inside is mine; outside --
the Lord's."

The rabbi looked at the two and said, "I give more freedom to the
Lord. I throw all the money collected into the air. Whatever God
catches is his!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Lord's Prayer

A promotional VP with Kentucky Fried Chicken approached a Cardinal
with the following proposition for the Catholic Church.

"Your Eminence," he began, "We at KFC would like to pay the Vatican
$100 million if you will change just one word in the Lord's Prayer.
We would like you to change 'our daily bread' to 'our daily
chicken.'"

The Cardinal was taken aback and assured the VP that such a request
could not be done. But the VP was persuasive and kept upping the
ante until finally he had offered a half billion dollars for just
one little change.

Well, the Cardinal couldn't refuse to take such a substantial offer
to the Pope so he grabbed the next flight to Rome where he got an
immediate audience with the TopWOP(tm).

"Your Holiness," he began, "I have some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that we have been offered enough money to possibly
purchase the Vatican back from Microsoft."

"That's fantastic!" cried the pontiff. "What's the bad news?"

"We'll lose the Wonder Bread account."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Bigger in Texas

As everyone knows, everything is bigger in Texas. The roads are
bigger, the trees are bigger, and the wide open spaces are, well,
wider. Texans wear the biggest hats, the biggest boots, and drive
the biggest cars.

One day, a Texan died and went to heaven. He was met at the pearly
gates by none other than St. Peter, who proceeded to give him a tour
of the wonders of heaven.

The Texan, however, was not impressed. St. Peter showed him the most
beautiful rivers, and the Texan said that they were bigger in Texas.
St. Peter revealed to him the majesty of mountains, but the Texan
reminded him that they were just as good, if not better, back in
Texas. St. Peter showed him the glory of the stars (they shine
brighter in Texas), the enormity of the sunrise (you haven't seen it
until you've seen it in Texas), and the simple wonder of a doe and a
fawn drinking at a lake at sunset (reminiscent of Lake Texarkana,
only not as pretty). There was nothing St. Peter could do to
overcome the man's opinion of his home state.

Finally, St. Peter took the Texan right out to the edge of heaven,
and they both looked down. From there one could see all the way down
into Hell. They could see the fire and the brimstone and the agony
ad infinitum. It was a horrific sight.

St. Peter then said, "Well? What do you think about that? Have
anything like THAT down in Texas?"

The Texan replied, "No sir, we don't -- but I know a couple old boys
down in Houston who will put that out for ya."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: We're All SAVED!

"Prayers Heavenbound" offers the faithful (or maybe especially the
hopeful) an opportunity to take your prayers, drawings, sacred vows
or whatever, and shoot them digitally into the deepest regions of
space via a powerful microwave beam: "As soon as they are sent, they
become available to be intercepted by God." And just think, this new
prayer technology is available at the low, low price of only $9.95!

[Editor's Note: Of course, you could be *twice* as saved for just
$18.50! That's a savings of ... well, WHO CARES? You're SAVED!! ]

(If you want to take advantage of this terrific offer, refer to
Lindsay Scientific's site: .
Note that this site doesn't have all the "details," however.)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Numbers of the Beast

660 -- Approximate number of The Beast

DCLXVI -- Roman numeral of The Beast

666.0000 -- Number of the High Precision Beast

0.666 -- Number of the Millibeast

/ 666 -- Beast Common Denominator

666 * SQR(-1) -- Imaginary number of The Beast

1010011010 -- Binary number of The Beast

6, uh... what was that number again? -- Number of the Blonde Beast

1-666 -- Area code of The Beast

00666 -- Zip code of The Beast

1-900-666-0666: Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only
$6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.

$665.95 -- Retail price of The Beast

$699.25 -- Price of The Beast plus 5% state sales tax

$769.95 -- Price of The Beast with all accessories and replacement
soul

$656.66 -- WalMart price of The Beast

$646.66 -- Next week's WalMart price of The Beast

Phillips 666 -- Gasoline of The Beast

Route 666 -- Way of The Beast (Highway to Hell)

666 F -- Oven temperature for roast Beast

666k -- Retirement plan of The Beast

666 mg -- Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast

6.66 % -- 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National
Bank, $666 minimum deposit.

Lotus 6-6-6 -- Spreadsheet of The Beast

Word 6.66 -- Word Processor of The Beast

i66686 -- CPU of The Beast

[Editor's Note: I guess that would make the i8666 the DSP chip of
The Beast. ]

666i -- BMW of The Beast

DSM-666 (revised) -- Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of The Beast

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Pax Vobiscum

The seminarian had avoided the dreaded task of preaching at chapel
long enough that it came to the attention of the Chapel Master. The
following conversation ensued.

"I'm scheduling to preach at chapel next Thursday."

"Oh, please. I'll do anything. I'll weed the garden, clean the
toilets, copy a manuscript. Just please don't make me preach."

"You are not getting out of this, and there will be no excuses."

Thursday rolled around and, with desperately quaking knees, said
seminarian stood up to preach, and asked, "Do you know what I'm
going to say?" Everyone shook their heads no. "Neither do I. Pax
vobiscum." ("Go in peace" for the non-Latinate among us.)

The Chapel Master was really angry. "That is not acceptable. You are
right back on the schedule for next Thursday, and this time you will
preach, and it will be an example of diligent preparation, and there
will be no excuses."

Thursday rolled around and, with yet more quaking, the seminarian
stood up to preach and asked, "Do you know what I'm going to say?"
Everybody nodded their heads. "Good. Pax vobiscum."

The Chapel Master was absolutely outraged. "There will be no more of
these shenanigans. You *will* preach the word of God next Thursday.

You will not fail, or you will be removed from the seminary
forthwith."

Thursday rolled around and, barely able to stand, the seminarian got
up to preach and asked, "Do you know what I'm going to say?"

Some shook their heads no; others nodded their heads yes.

"Good. Those who know, please tell those who don't. Pax vobiscum."

********************************************************************
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Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
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Topic: Humor
Collage 381              H u m o u r N e t              24 Dec 1997

(This one's a reach for me. I'm a devout agnostic, and I'm not at all
versed in history. Obviously, the story and evolution (if I may use
that term) of Christmas is not my forte. So please bear with me.)

Kim, our assistant moderator, was surprised to learn that Santa Claus
(St. Nick) and Christmas trees really have nothing to do with the
Christian holiday of Christmas. (And here, *I* am supposed to be the
one who is "history challenged." Well, okay, I am ...)

In fact, the only "commercial" aspect of this holiday that has
anything whatsoever to do with the birth of Christ is the gift-
giving part. THAT whole thing got started by the "three wise men"
(BTW, picture an agnostic explaining all this to a Jewish girl) who
brought gold, myrrh, and frankincense to the baby Jesus.

These were the first recorded examples of Bad Gifts(tMS).

Really! Do you know what myrrh and frankincense are? The American
Heritage Dictionary does:

  myrrh: An aromatic gum resin obtained from several trees and shrubs
  of the genus Commiphora of India, Arabia, and eastern Africa, used
  in incense and perfume.

  frankincense: An aromatic gum resin obtained from African and Asian
  trees of the genus Boswellia and used chiefly as incense and in
  perfumes.

These men were wise?!? Who was their gift consultant? Incense for an
infant? WHAT IDIOT BRINGS COMBUSTIBLE GIFTS FOR AN INFANT?

One can only assume that Bethlehem Macy's was completely sold out of
Barney tapes -- and that myrrh and frankincense were on sale. (I just
hope they saved their receipts.)

And so began the custom of giving totally useless gifts every year,
on or about the anniversary of the birth of Christ.

Last year, we celebrated this event with an entire Collage dedicated
to Bad Gifts(tMS). (See Collage 321)

We follow up this year with a few Bad Gifts(tMS) that didn't make it
into last year's collection -- and fill out the Collage with some
more holiday humour:

Cindy in Huntington Beach, California, leads this year's Bad Gifts
collection with a double header: "Bad and Badder."

Candice in California follows up with "Holy Smoked Sausage, Batman";

and St. John in Philadelphia comes clean with "The Gift That Keeps
On Being Given."

On the holiday humour side, Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado,
brings us "Fruitcake Paleoanthropology";

Dorthi in Comox, B.C., Canada, helps to make this Collage a little
more culturally diverse with the "Top Twelve Reasons Why Chanukah Is
Better Than Christmas";

and Jake in New York shows us what happens when "Santa Claus Learns
Unix" (it's pretty frightening).

Many thanks to all our contributors -- including the three wise guys
who jump-started this gift-giving ritual (I'm sure they were under
contract to Hallmark). And Happy Holidays to everyone!

Now it's time for me to go start my Christmas shopping ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Bad and Badder

My two worst gifts ever ...

1. A large brass fly ashtray (I have never smoked). The obvious
question: how did I know it was an ashtray? The obvious answer: it
had a cigarette butt in it.

2. I had just turned to a career as a consultant, and was reveling
in the "business casual" that I could now wear. My boyfriend kindly
went to the store and got me a beautiful blouse. (We had been
together about 6 years at this point.) When I unwrapped it, I joked
about the fact that the box was from Women's World (a store that
caters to large women). He just looked at me blankly. (I am a
slender size 8.) I unfolded the shirt, which was a pretty pattern...
and unfolded, and unfolded. It was a size 16. He had evidently taken
my "I'm generally an 8, but I like my shirts large, and sometimes
get a 10" and added the two numbers together. He told the saleswoman,
"She's a size 18, but she likes her shirts large." (Imagine the
shock of the store personnel, if you've ever seen a size 18 woman.)
The entire store was sympathizing with this nice, good-looking,
ATHLETIC young man who had a ... laaarrgge woman as a girlfriend. (I
should also tell you that we lived together at this time, so all he
had to do was look in my closet.)  I started laughing so hard that I
ended up with tears in my eyes, surprising him even further. (It
wasn't THAT great of a present -- it was only a blouse, after all!)
When I finally choked out something along the lines of, "I'm an
EIGHT, you idiot!" and held it up against my body -- and stuffed my
two cats in it, and STILL had room to invite him in -- he turned
beet red, and apologized profusely until he realized that I was
crying because I was *laughing* so hard, not because I was mad.

I made a point of taking it back to the store wearing my skinniest
pair of jeans and a tank top. The people there clearly remembered
him and were a little relieved, I think.

We're still together, 10 years later, but he's never bought me
clothes again.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Holy Smoked Sausage, Batman!

The worst present I ever got was on my sixteenth birthday ...

I knew my dad couldn't afford [to buy me] a car, but I was truly
shocked by his horrid present. He sent me a ten-pound smoked sausage
and a bible. First of all, I am a vegetarian, and second, I don't
believe in the bible.

It wasn't the Sweet Sixteen present I expected!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Gift That Keeps On Being Given

My brother is a doctor. I like technology. The perfect gift for him
would seem to be a talking watch, wouldn't it? I mean, he can tap it
while on rounds instead of having to put down what he's carrying and
glance at his wrist.

In fact, it's SUCH a perfect gift that I've given it to him for the
past three Christmases running.

This upcoming holiday, I'm planning #4, but only as a joke. I pledge
that the previous two years were due to my own faulty memory. (It
*is* a good gift idea.)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Fruitcake Paleoanthropology

[Editor's Note: This message apparently was posted to an Internet
mailing list sometime last year. For privacy reasons, I have
replaced the list owner's name with a pseudonym; the rest of the
message is reproduced without changes. ]

Hi, folks--

A mineralized fruitcake received as a gift this holiday season by a
California geologist was examined and found to have become petrified
at a date markedly earlier than any previously examined example.

Radiocarbon dating of calcite within the specimen yielded an age of
3.1 million years (+/- 0.2 million years). This extends the record
of mineralized fruitcakes far beyond the late paleolithic examples
previously dated, apparently establishing the baking of fruitcakes
to be independent of domestication of grains, and casting doubt on
past attempts to use petrified fruitcakes as indicators of early
agriculture.

The remarkable date was also supported by the discovery in the
specimen of an embedded chip from a tooth tentatively identified as
belonging to a Homo Habilis, suggesting the behavior of
recirculation of gift fruitcakes has not been confined to one
species.

More specimens are being sought as a more systematic examination of
larger numbers of gift fruitcakes may recover information about
early hominid development and culture. Please send your fruitcakes
as uuencoded e-mail attachments to Jack Shea (as administrator of
this list for several years, Jack clearly has considerable
experience with the occasional fruitcake).

Happy Holidays to all, and may Santite Claus fill your stockings
with rocks!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top Twelve Reasons Why Chanukah Is Better Than Christmas

12. You can't be nailed to the menorah.

11. More elephants in the Chanukah story.

10. No roof damage from the reindeer.

9. Never a silent night when you're amongst your Jewish loved ones.

8. Dance of the Sugar-Plum Rebbe.

7. Betting Chanukah gelt on candle races.

6. Yes, Rivka'le, there is no Santa Claus.

5. Naked spin-the-dreidel games.

4. Fun waxy build-up.

3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth.

2. Cheer optional.

1. No Irving Berlin songs.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Santa Claus Learns Unix

better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus town

cat /etc/passwd >list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice >giftlist
santa claus town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | grep bad || good
for (goodness sake) {be good}

echo "Oh,"

better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus town

********************************************************************
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Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
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Topic: Humor
Collage 382              H u m o u r N e t              29 Dec 1997

Here's an amusing holiday (?) story that occurred several years ago.
Bear with me while I set the stage for this one ...

A long-time friend of mine ("John") and I were taking off during the
holidays to go skiing with a bunch of friends. John and I were
planning on leaving early the next morning; meanwhile, my sister was
getting ready to go to her boyfriend's house for Christmas.

Enter my mom (a.k.a. "The Olde Broad") and her *trademark* homemade
Bailey's Irish Creme. She decided to fix up Sis with some of the
Bailey's as a gift for the future in-laws. (Never too soon to start
sucking up, right?) So she whipped out a *gorgeous* crystal decanter,
poured in a healthy dose of Bailey's, added a bow, and sent Sis on
her way. And to ensure that John and I didn't feel left out, she
told us that she'd put some Bailey's in a container for us to take
with us in the morning.

Well, 0500 rolled around, and John and I prepared for the two-hour
drive to the ski area. Not one to forget a detail like bringing the
Bailey's along, I checked the refrigerator for the hooch.

Sure enough, it was there, but -- typical for The Olde Broad -- she
had put it into another *crystal decanter* for the ski trip.

A crystal decanter? For a ski trip? NOT! So, I whipped out some old,
grungy plastic thermos, poured in the Bailey's, and left the crystal
decanter in the sink. John and I tossed the thermos into the back
of the car and hit the road.

We arrived at the ski area early, skied the day, then met our friends
at the house we were renting for the week. We unpacked the car, and
-- lo! -- found the thermos full of Bailey's.

Of course, we *had* to hit the hooch immediately.

John announced -- no, *advertised* -- the Bailey's to everyone in
the room. All eyes were on him as he poured some into a glass and
downed about half of it.

Suddenly, he turned six shades of green.

John wrinkled up his nose, pushed the glass toward me, and asked,
"Does this smell bad to you?"

I sniffed the contents of the glass. WHOA! Bad stuff. "Must have
gone bad in the back seat while we were skiing." Strange, though --
it was *freezing* that day. Oh, well.

I poured the Bailey's down the sink and discarded the old thermos
(easier than *cleaning* it). John, iron gut as ever, drank the rest
of the glass, but agreed that it was in pretty bad shape.

The next day, we all hit the slopes again. Toward the end of the
day, John and I stopped to call The Olde Broad to say "Hi." Well,
the first words out of her mouth were (shown with her exact
capitalization) ...

                 "Where Is My Sourdough Starter?"

It took a split second to make the connection -- but suddenly it all
came together like the reactive material in the core of a hydrogen
bomb. The explosion nearly knocked me off my feet as I broke into
hysterical laughter.

The Olde Broad couldn't understand what was so amusing. Neither could
John (who was standing next to me at the pay phone) -- but he had a
pretty good idea. I was trying to catch my breath, while John kept
saying, "Just ... Tell Me ... What ... It ... Was ..."

I was laughing so hard that I couldn't speak. I finally dropped the
phone, collapsed against the wall, and managed to squeak out,
"Sourdough starter." I sank to the floor, unable to stand up any
longer (even with assistance from the wall).

The rest is a blur. I think that John said something about killing me
(no idle threat for a third-degree black belt), but I was much too
busy trying to keep my respiratory system from going into laughter-
induced vapor lock to pay any attention to him.

To this day, as we run down our pre-skiing checklist, *one* of us has
to throw in sourdough starter. As for The Olde Broad, well, she never
was able to get another batch like that one going again, though she
tried for years. She never forgave us ... but it was worth it.

Ah, the perils of drinking.

And since drinking such a popular activity this time of year, I have
selected Collage 382 to be HumourNet's first ever "Alcohol Abuse
Collage" ...

Richard in Phoenix (well, he *was in Phoenix when he submitted this;
he now hails from San Jose, or somewhere like that) starts things off
with "Decoy Drinker";

James in Paris, France, takes credit for submitting the piece
entitled, "I'd Rather Be Drunk";

Carrie sends us, "Research vs. Reality";

Ric G. contributes "Just Wait Till the Train Comes Down the Stairs";

Anthony in Pleasanton, California, sends along, "You Look Familiar";

Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado, submits the hysterically
funny piece, "Aussie Drinkers' Troubleshooting Chart";

Dr. Mike in Baltimore, Maryland, contributes some "Lessons Learned";

J.P. takes credit for sending us "Thoughtfulness";

Shawn King in Vancouver, B.C. -- moderator of our sister list for
risque humour, Bawdy.Net -- sends us an "Olive Story";

Rocky takes kudos for the piece entitled, "Headline";

Matt from Spacenet (it's the only way to describe him) assumes all
responsibility for "Signs You Have A Drinking Problem";

and Ray Owens, moderator of "JokeADay" (the Net's largest daily
humour mailing list; see ), contributes
the piece entitled "Grasshoppers."

Huge thanks to all our contributors -- assuming that they're sober
enough to read their monitors. ;-) (At least you can't get hurt if
you drive the Information Superhighway while toasted. Just remember
to stay off the *real* highways if you plan on drinking this New
Year's ...)

Have a good one -- and see you next year!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Decoy Drinker

Staking out a notoriously rowdy bar for possible DUI violators, a
cop watched from his squad car as a fellow stumbled out the door,
tripped on the curb and tried 45 cars before opening the door to his
own and falling asleep on the front seat.

One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the
sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled
him over and administered a breathalyzer test. When the results
showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him
how that was possible.

"Easy," came the reply. "Tonight was my turn to be the decoy."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: I'd Rather Be Drunk

[Regarding the quote in Collage 264], "I may be fat but you're ugly,
and I can lose weight" ...

This sounds like an adaptation of something Winston Churchill once
said. He was at a dinner party and one of his political opponents,
a certain Lady Astor (I think), was arguing with him. She finally
said: "Sir, you are drunk", to which he replied, "True, madam, and
you are ugly, but in the morning I shall be sober".

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Research vs. Reality

Excerpted from the LA Times:

"Researchers at Harvard say drinking a lot of alcohol decreases a
woman's chance of getting pregnant. If these guys spent less time
in the lab and more time in frat houses, they'd get a completely
different picture."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Just Wait Till the Train Comes Down the Stairs ...

There were these two drunks walking down a railroad track, One of
them exclaimed, "These long stairs sure get me down."

The other replied, "It's not the stairs that get to me, it's these
low banisters."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: You Look Familiar

Two guys are sitting at a bar, drinking beer.

One guy says to the other, "You know, I really miss my hometown in
Ireland sometimes."

The other guy replies, "Jiminy, I'm from Ireland, as well!! What
part are you from?"

The first guy says, "Grayshire, outside of Dublin."  Other guy: "No
kidding! I'm from Grayshire, too!"

First guy: "Really! I grew up on Ashton Street. And you?"

Other guy: "Unbelievable! I grew up on Ashton Street. Where did you
go to school?"

First guy: "St. Michael's Academy".

Second guy: "Blimey, I went to St. Michael's Academy!!!"

About that time the phone rings and the bartender answers, "Joe's
Bar."

Guy on the other end: "Hey Joe, anything goin' on down there?"

Bartender says, "Not much ... the O'Reilly twins are drunk again."
  
========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Aussie Drinkers' Troubleshooting Chart

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training.
Demand more beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar; if not, then
scream that you are being kidnapped

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to the bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

[Editor's Note: In New Jersey, where I grew up, this condition is
usually indicative of having fallen over *backward* and lying supine
with your mouth open. But we're a little more cruel up there. ]

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Lessons Learned

A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson
about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that
involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, observe the worms closely," he said, putting a worm
first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as
a worm in water could be.

The second worm he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and
quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher
asked.

one of the students raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink
whiskey and you won't get worms."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Thoughtfulness

Q: Why do elephants drink?
A: To forget.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Olive Story

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it,
he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he
ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when
he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered
out.

"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"

"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent
him out for a jar of olives."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Headline

"Dyslexic State Trooper Spends All Night Handing Out IUDs"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Signs You Have A Drinking Problem

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth ... now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

Every woman you see has an exact twin.

You fall off the floor.

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger -- screw dinner!

The glass keeps missing your mouth.

Bill Clinton starts to make sense.

Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you. (*No pun intended.)

At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is ... uh ..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.

"Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past
you.

You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is
the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.

"BeerTender! Get me another Bar!"

The shrubbery's drunk too -- from frequent watering.

Your name is Ted Kennedy.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Grasshoppers

A grasshopper hops into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says,
"You know, we have a drink named after you here."

The grasshopper looks puzzled, and replies "You have a drink named
Fred?"

********************************************************************
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

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Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
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Topic: Humor
Collage 383              H u m o u r N e t              04 Jan 1998

The responses from Collage 381 ("Bad Gifts") have been some of the
most entertaining I have ever read. My favorite response came from
Crystal in Helotes, Texas:

    Santa Claus, as I'm sure you'll find out many times over today,
    does have to do with the Christian holiday. St. Nicholas was a
    pope who would give bags of gold to poor people.

So St. Nick has now been promoted to pope -- in fact, the first
quasi-Dutch-Turkish pope in history. Interesting.

I should mention that, like Crystal, several people were offended by
my coverage of the topic in Collage 381. However, far more readers
really enjoyed it -- including Rus Jeffrey, The Official HumourNet
List Chaplain, which certainly is sufficient "blessing" for me. (Rus
even used the term "three wise guys" during his sermon on Christmas
Eve.) (I have created a monster. ;-)

And many *MANY* subscribers took pity on me and tried desperately to
rectify my status of "history challenged." (It didn't work, though
the information was somewhat interesting.) Naturally, I replied to
everyone who wrote in. (And it was quite a few; didn't you folks have
anything ELSE to do during the holidays? ;-)

I had planned to include one of my replies in this opener, but
decided that it was a bit too potentially offensive to warrant
inclusion here -- so I posted it to HumourNet's web site, instead.
However, if you were even the LEAST bit offended by Collage 381, I
strongly recommend that you do not go read this page. Or if you have
even the slightest tendency to be offended, just skip right by the
URL shown below, and simply continue reading as if nothing ever
happened.

(Now, those of you whose IQs cannot be displayed on a two-digit
readout will immediately say to yourselves, "Wow, Vince has covered
a *lot* of potentially-offensive material in his openers over the
years, so this must be *really* bad!" And you will be correct, of
course. For the rest of you: Please learn from your smarter
counterparts, and take this as the warning that it is.)

If you still want to read it, go here (URL is case sensitive):

    

This piece also underscores just how difficult it is to carry on a
serious conversation with a humour-list moderator.

(Note that, for most of you, it will be anticlimactic after the
buildup that it just received. However, if I don't put lots of
flashing red lights all around it, the Intellectual Proletariat(tMS)
will simply fail to realize that "Don't read this if you are easily
offended" ACTUALLY means "Don't read this if you are easily offended."
It is a very non-literal world in which we live.)

Another entertaining response came from Mark D. in London, England
(yes, I have to put "England," since nearly every state in the U.S.
has a "London" of some sort in it); the lead-in text is quoted from
Collage 381:

    >In fact, the only "commercial" aspect of this holiday that
    >has anything whatsoever to do with the birth of Christ is the
    >gift- giving part. THAT whole thing got started by the "three
    >wise men"

    I will let you into a little secret here: I know how this
    present thing was dreamt up by those 'wise' men (AKA The
    Marketing Department).

    The three 'wise' men were sitting at their desks in the
    office of the Marketing Department of Acme Gifts of
    Jerusalem. It had been a slow year, and with the nights
    drawing in, business was getting slower. The head 'wise'
    man was reading a memo from the company chairman, and he
    was looking more and more anxious.

    "Say, Harvey, what are you looking so down about?" asked
    Ernie.

    Harvey read the memo. Things did not look good. Unless they
    came up with a dramatic way to improve the end-of-year sales,
    they were all for the chop.

    All was calm. All was quiet.

    Burt, the other 'Wise' man, was sitting with his feet on his
    desk, reading the Jerusalem Enquirer when he noticed a small
    ad in the births section of the classifieds.

    "To Mary, a son, Jesus. Father: God."

    He sat there scratching his chin for a while.

    "Hey!" said Burt, "This seems like too good an opportunity to
    miss. All we gotta do is to make those Christians believe
    that it's cool to give gifts in December!"

    "Get your coats on guys, and I'll make sure we get good
    coverage in the press..."

    Err, well, maybe that was close to what happened!

When I suggested that they *actually* worked for Hallmark, Mark
replied with:

    Hallmark were just sub-contracted as the advertising campaign
    for the 'Gifts in December" marketing strategy. And it was
    such a success in its own right that I can understand why you
    have joined the myriad of people across the world who fell
    for the near legendary "Christmas was invented by Hallmark"
    urban myth. ;)

You're a sick pup, Mark. We admire that around here. ;-)

Speaking of gift giving: I will be compiling submissions for another
"Bad Gifts" Collage. It will most likely run next Christmas, though
I might run part of it for the coming Valentine's Day. The rules are
simple, yet firm; any submissions that do not follow them will be
discarded:

    1. Only ONE bad gift per message (unless you have multiples that
    are somehow related, and MUST be submitted together).

    2. EACH submission is to be sent to HumourNet@lyris.net with a
    Subject line of "Bad Gifts" (no quotes).

    3. ALL submissions must be genuine. No fabrications or
    exaggerations. (You're on your honor here.)

    4. ALL submissions must be either gifts that you received or (for
    the truly brave among you) gifts that you gave. I'll also accept
    gifts that you WITNESSED being given (e.g., something that your
    mother gave to your father). I will not accept anything that
    starts with "My best friend's third cousin says that her great
    aunt once received...." (Or similar. You know what I mean.)

That's it! Note that submissions will generally not be acknowledged
by me, though you will receive a note from Lyris (the list server)
once your submission has been received and forwarded to me.

And so we start off Collage 383 with a somewhat belated piece from
Rohit in New Delhi, India -- the "Top Ten Things to Say About a
Christmas Gift You Don't Like";

Cathie Walker, the Chief Schmoozing Executive at the Centre for the
Easily Amused in Victoria, British Columbia,
brings us "Liquor Warning Labels";

Pastor Rus Jeffrey, the Official HumourNet List Chaplain, sends along
some "New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies";

and Steve Willoughby, moderator of the Oracle Service Humor Mailing
List , send us the "New Year's Resolutions
for The Rest Of Them."

Huge thanks to our contributors. :-)

Enjoy! And Happy New Year! And remember to send in your "Bad Gifts"
submissions ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Top Ten Things to Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like

10. Hey! There's a gift!

9. Well, well, well ...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though.
There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to
charity.

And the Number One Thing to say about a Christmas gift you don't like:

1. "I really don't deserve this."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Liquor Warning Labels

The board of health has proposed that warning signs be placed on
booze bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible perils of
having a few...

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with
breath that could knock a buzzard off a manure truck at 100 yards.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like
an geek.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same
boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH
YOUR HEAD IN.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like
thish.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss
what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office
Christmas party.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the
morning.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name
you can't remember)

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy
named Psycho.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies

1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 7 e-mail addresses.

2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife.

3. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.

4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I
answer my e-mail.

5. I resolve to back up my 1GB hard drive daily...well, once a
week...okay, monthly then...or maybe...

6. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet.

7. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS
Tech Support."

8. I will read the manual.

9. I will think of a password other than "password."

10. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: New Year's Resolutions for The Rest Of Them

New Year's Resolution #1
  Try to avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

New Year's Resolution #2
  Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet
  (especially when they are less than 1000 feet above the ground).

New Year's Resolution #3
  Stay off the Mir space station.

New Year's Resolution #4
  Don't eat cloned meat.

New Year's Resolution #5
  Try not to have seven children at once.

New Year's Resolution #6
  Avoid drunk limo drivers on anti-depressants.

New Year's Resolution #7
  Don't give real name when making campaign bribes.

New Year's Resolution #8
  Don't take a car all the way to Mars without remembering the
  spare battery.

New Year's Resolution #9
  Don't get so drunk that you think cutting off your penis and
  blaming it on your girlfriend is a really neat idea.

New Year's Resolution #10
  No more spaceship rides behind comets, even if the lemonade is free.

[Editor's Note: I'm actually *encouraging* people to take spaceship
rides behind comets. I'll even pay for the lemonade. Coming soon: An
entire Collage devoted to Darwin. :-) ]

********************************************************************
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************
Rating: (You must be logged in to vote)

Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
Collage 384              H u m o u r N e t              11 Jan 1998



There is one set of instructions that is conspicuously absent from
the HumourNet Welcome message -- namely, how to change your address.
Though I respond personally to everyone who writes to me to ask how
to do it, some of you might find yourselves in more, um, *urgent*
situations. For example, David in the U.K.:

    [...] Actually, the only point I have is to let you know that
    your ex-subscriber
@transax.co.uk is now your new
    subscriber
@waverider.co.uk. This can be directly
    linked to my disciplinary hearing on Wednesday about
    "unauthorised use of company e-mail". I mean, these guys
    seem to think I have nothing better to do at work than work
    -- how likely is that?

For those of you who find that the need to change subscription
addresses has arisen somewhat quickly and without notice, I have
updated the HumourNet Welcome message to include instructions on
changing your address. To get the new Welcome message, send the
command:

get humournet hello

... in the Subject *or* body of a message to . And
remember, you can always forward HumourNet Collages to your office
from your home account. ;-)



I freely admit that I am intellectual elitist. Heck, I coined the term
"intellectual proletariat" (and I'm happy to see that, along with the
"unsubscription fee" concept, it is starting to catch on around the
'Net).

Notwithstanding the intellectual proletariat, there's nothing worse
than a group or organization of people whose sole identifying trait
is a largely unjustified claim to superior member intelligence.

The organization in question is, of course, Mensa.

Those of you who have been on HumourNet for a long time might recall
this excerpt from the opener in Collage 94, posted in June 1995:

    And speaking of intellect: You've probably heard of "Mensa,"
    the "high-I.Q." organization ... well, to announce the
    opening of their new chapter in Malta, the Maltese Mensans
    issued a press release. The one-page statement contained
    five spelling errors, and was dated May 31, 1996.

Not to be outdone by their Maltese counterparts, the Web site for
Mensa International contains the following passage, as copied and
pasted directly from one of their pages:

    Mensa members find opportunities to contribute to the
    betterment of society through volunteer activities within
    thier communities. Many Mensa groups offer scholarship for
    gifted students. The Gifted Children Resource Program
    compiles and provides information for gifted children at the
    national and local levels.

Though we can expect the spelling error to be fixed posthaste once
this Collage posts, those of you who get to your e-mail quickly
enough will be able to see it in all its glory:

            faq.cgi?country=United+States&page=2>

It is interesting to note that Mensa states two of its goals as:

    To encourage research in the nature, characteristics, and
    uses of intelligence.

    To identify and foster human intelligence for the benefit of
    humanity.

Well, buying a spelling checker might be a good start. There really
are few things more annoying than a group of people who are all
puffed up about their intellect, yet can't figure out how to use a
spelling checker. (And don't blame it on the company that produced
the Web page. It happened "on Mensa's watch." They're ultimately
responsible for the content of their site.)

Some of you will argue that it's a common mistake, that it's easily
missed, etc. But we're talking about *Mensa* here. You'd figure that
the self-acclaimed smartest people in the world could figure out how
to spell a common five-letter word.

And so, we must once again brave the waters of Loch Stupid, and read
the accounts of those who are synaptically challenged ...

Jason in Maine starts this one off with "Physics vs. The Blonde";

David in Birmingham, UK, brings us "Burning Down The House";

Drew in Cleveland, Ohio, takes credit for "Technology Meets The
Intellectual Proletariat";

Tom in Boulder, Colorado, tells the story of an "Academy Dropout";

Jean-Michel in Echirolles, France, tells the account of "Call Us If
You Don't Get This Tip";

Joe in Madison, Wisconsin, brings us "The Edmund Fitzgerald Sails
Again";

Antonio in Madrid, Spain, takes credit for "The Best-Laid Plans";

Billy in Nevada sends along "Technology Meets the Computer
Pedestrian";

Chuck in North Lauderdale, Florida, continues the theme with,
"Technology Meets the Computer Pedestrian, Take Two";

Steven in Reno, Nevada, tells us how to "Starve a Fever, Suffocate a
Virus";

Marcy in Las Vegas, Nevada, takes credit for "Stupid and Persistent";

and Robert in Freeport, Texas, tells the story of "Another Captain
Hazelwood."

Huge thanks to all of our *very* patient contributors (most of this
material was submitted about a year ago), and to Annunziata in -- and
I quote from the subscription list -- "Bridgeport (sigh), Connecticut,"
for sending me the Mensa Web page alert. (Annunziata -- also known as
"Nancy" -- scored that one with an assist from her friend Dawn.)

If you are still waiting for your "Stupid People" submission to run,
you will have to continue to be patient; frighteningly, it's the
single largest file I have.

In the meantime, be glad that none of these stories is about you.

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Physics vs. The Blonde

The summer rain storm had just cleared, my girlfriend and I (trying
to enjoy the rest of what had turned out to be a beautiful day) were
riding my motorcycle. The sun was shining and it really was a nice
day to ride, with the exception of bits of gravel being thrown up by
passing cars.

My girlfriend, now becoming agitated with this slight annoyance
asked me why there was so much gravel in the air. Well I thought a
stupid question deserves a stupid answer, so I told her....

"You see when the storm was here the air pressure was high, but now
that the storm has passed and the sky is clear the air pressure is
very low. This low air pressure causes the smaller pieces of gravel
to actually float in the air. When the air pressure is back to
normal, the rocks will go back down to the ground."

This sounded like a logical reason to her and there was no argument.
The conversation continued on as usual and nothing further was said
about the subject until we got back to school and she tried to
explain it to her friends.

To this day she hasn't lived it down.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Burning Down The House

A friend of mine was having a party recently. At some point during
the party, he thought that he had a gas leak inside his oven. Now,
because he didn't want to turn the lights on and spoil the
atmosphere (everyone was watching a video), he decided to use
something else ... a candle.

I'll let you decide which level of stupidity he gets. :-)

[Editor's Note: This one scores a solid "3" on the stupidity meter
-- but it also scores a *ten* on the "Creative Ways To Get The Guests
(and possibly everyone else) Out Of The House" meter. ]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Technology Meets The Intellectual Proletariat

Someone of my acquaintance protested when I closed a QuickTime
movie. "Don't you want to rewind it before you put it away?"

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Somebody in our office was irked that she couldn't SEND a fax
because the fax machine was out of toner. This is the same person
who was having trouble with alphabetical order.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

One of our computer users was trying to use a modem. The
instructions had said to "unplug your phone and plug the modular
phone jack into the back of your computer."

After several minutes of troubleshooting, I figured out the problem.
Instead of plugging the "phone" end of the cord into his computer,
he had plugged the "wall" end of the cord into his computer. His
modem was directly connected to his telephone.

He helpfully pointed out that when he picked up the phone, there was
no dial tone.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Academy Dropout

I grew up in Wyoming, where teenagers generally drive quite fast,
mainly 'cause it's so far from anywhere to somewhere else, and
boredom sets in easily....

Anyway, I'm definitely NOT an exception, and one day, driving
through our state with my sister (who IS the exception), I got
pulled over for (presumably) speeding.

The cop gets up to my window, and asks "Son, do you *really* think
you're gonna get there any quicker, the faster you drive?"

My sister, a physics major, blurts out "DUH! Of *course* he is!
Don't YOU get places sooner when YOU drive faster?"

Of course, I was overjoyed at the sight of my passenger giving the
police grief when *I* was the one under scrutiny.

Luckily, we got a guy that must have been a legacy or something,
'cause he sure didn't get in the academy on the merits of his mental
prowess.

He said, "Well, yeah, I DO. I never thought about that. Okay, Just
try to keep it down to a dull roar."

?

Yessir, officer sir.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Call Us If You Don't Get This Tip

This "Newsgram" is genuine; it was sent out to employees at a large
international computer company ...

    NEWSGRAM: [...]        March 26, 1997

    A HANDY WEB TIP. Here's a helpful hint for those of us [...]
    who aren't quite as Web-savvy as others. You can access a
    Web site URL from most e-mail messages or word processing
    files without the annoying task of retyping it. Simply
    highlight the URL, copy the highlighted text, launch
    Netscape, paste the URL into the location window (either by
    using Control + V or Edit/Paste), hit your "Enter" key and
    you're there. In these busy times, anything that makes life
    the slightest bit easier is always welcome.

                                       Corporate Communications

[Editor's Note: Who'd have thought ... ?! ]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Edmund Fitzgerald Sails Again

Along the lines of the Shuttle landing in Vancouver, a friend of
mine told me back in December that a radio station in Milwaukee,
Wisconsin, announced that a ship, named "The Edmund Fitzgerald,"
would be steaming up the Milwaukee River with a fully loaded cargo
bay of Tickle Me Elmo dolls.

Supposedly, a fair number of easily duped people showed up along the
bridges, waiting for the ship.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Best-Laid Plans

My parents received a set of two horrible bedside table lamps as a
wedding present from a distant aunt. They didn't like them, so they
bought a nicer set themselves. But a few years later, the aunt came
to a family celebration, so my mother quickly installed auntie's
lamp and hid the usual ones under the bed.

When time came to show her around the house, my mother said, "Come
and see how nice your lamps look in our bedroom."

She turned on the switch on the wall -- and suddenly an intense
luminosity emerged from under the bed....

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Technology Meets the Computer Pedestrian

This really happened when I was working in the computer lab at
school:

There was a lady about 50 years old who was typing a paper on one of
the computers. She got up to get a printout and when she came back,
the flying-star screen saver had come on.

She got this horrified look on her face, came running to the help
desk, and said, "I just left for a second and my work blew up!"

I tried to hold it but I just started cracking up and couldn't stop.

The other lab assistant had to tell her to just move the mouse
because I couldn't get a word out ...

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Technology Meets the Computer Pedestrian, Take Two

I am a computer programmer who isn't too hardware savvy, but I can
still find my way around the hard drive. The boss's secretary called
me one day and asked me if I could help her. Her system was making a
very loud noise and she was afraid the hard drive was going bad. I
told her I would be right there and see what I could do.

I walked over to her office and looked at her system. There was
nothing wrong with it as far as I could tell, and I told her so. She
adamantly told me that her system was making a loud noise and why
couldn't I hear it.

Just to make sure, I leaned closer to her CPU, and at the same time
I noticed something outside the window. I looked at her and said, "I
still can't hear anything with wrong with your system, could you
possibly be referring to the man with the leaf blower outside your
window?"

She turned beet read and walked out of the office.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Starve a Fever, Suffocate a Virus

About a month after I bought my computer, I had some problems with a
"keyboard failure" error. When I called the tech. service line, the
guy determined it must be a virus and suggested that I UNPLUG
EVERYTHING ON MY COMPUTER FOR 5-10 MINUTES to eliminate the thing.

Apparently these things suffocate without electricity or something.
The shameful part of the story is that I actually tried it. ;}

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Stupid *and* Persistent

I have a story you might find good for a laugh. Another one of those
where it's funnier in person, but I do know it's true since it
happened to me last night.

Two facts you'll need to appreciate the story:

Fact #1: I live in Nevada. Fact #2: I'll be 30 in 3 weeks.

Last night I'm at home minding my own business when the doorbell
rings. I answer it and there's an earnest young woman there with
clipboard in hand. I'm already gearing myself up for the pitch,
trying to figure out if she wants cash or a signature. Anyway, she
looks me over for a while and then asks,

"Are your parents home?"

Of course, I'm quite flabbergasted for the first 30 seconds, but
after I picked my jaw up off the ground I responded, "Probably,
since it's past 11:00 in New York *where they live*."

I have to give her credit though, because even after that start she
still tried to get me to give cash to her cause!

[Editor's Note: The *proper* response would have been, "Yes, but
they're having sex. Do you want me to get them? ;-) ]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Another Captain Hazelwood?

A fisherman pulled into the Bright Spot store near Freeport, Texas,
to fill up his trailered boat's gas tank before launching it at a
nearby park. But instead of the gas intake, he inserted the gas pump
nozzle into a built-in fishing rod holder, and began pumping
gasoline into the boat's bilges.

The boater probably wouldn't have noticed his mistake at all, but
the boat's electric bilge pumps kicked in, and began spewing the gas
back out onto the parking lot.

The boat owner left without actually getting any gas into his fuel
tanks.

[Editor's Note: Robert comments, "If we could only persuade the
boater to take up smoking, he could qualify for the Darwin Awards."]

********************************************************************
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************
Rating: (You must be logged in to vote)

Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
Collage 385              H u m o u r N e t              23 Jan 1998

Sorry for the delay in getting to Collage 385; things have been a
little bit hectic lately. Comments on Collage 384 will most likely
appear in the next issue.

In the meantime, Wendy M. of Silver Spring, Maryland, was kind (and
alert!) enough to send this news story to me:

    From the world news (?) on Sunday, 18 January 1998:

    In protest against high unemployment figures, a large group
    of out-of-work Parisians stormed into a restaurant and
    demanded free food. They were offered sandwiches, but
    refused them. What they wanted was oysters, steak & wine.

    They got it.

Is it my imagination, or do Parisians seem to be predisposed to this
type of behavior? *My* response would have been "Let them eat cake."



Speaking of eating cake, Collage 385 focuses on the
culinary side of life ...

Rich starts us off with the piece entitled, "V8";

Michael in Sacramento, California, sends along a nearly-original
submission, "Customers' Guide to Shopping at Your Local Grocery
Store";

Ian in California brings us "If They Can't Count, How Can You Trust
The Information";

William Stull in Texas takes credit for the original piece, "Dr.
Stull's Donut-Diet Exercise Program" (many of you will really like
this diet);

and Gerry H. closes out Collage 385 with "Let Them Eat Caviar."
(This one comes complete with a "pun warning." HumourNet has a
nearly-enforced rule against puns, but this one is pretty tame.
Nevertheless, those of you whose sensibilities are offended by puns
-- and I count myself among you -- will want to skip this last
piece.)

Many thanks to our contributors -- and especially to Wendy for the
news story.

Enjoy! And remember: As Kim, our assistant moderator, is fond of
saying, "Life is short. Eat dessert first."

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: V8?

If you read the side of the steak sauce, A-1 is the highest honor,
best award given. Kind of makes you wonder about that V-8 juice,
doesn't it?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Customers' Guide to Shopping at Your Local Grocery Store

This is something my father, Richard Green -- a grocery clerk for
many years -- has compiled as a guide for customers.

Rule Number 1
When in the express lane, make sure that all items are rung up and
bagged before you start looking for your checkbook. Then, after you
make a futile search for your pen, borrow one from the clerk and
make sure your checkbook is balanced before giving up the check.

Rule Number 2
Never get into the 10-Items-or-Less line with less than 12 items.
IT'S THE LAW!!!

Rule Number 3
When in the 10-Items-or-Less line and you have your 12 to 20 items,
always ask the clerk if it's okay. That way, if he says "yes," then
the people behind you will get mad at HIM, not you. If he says "no,"
then YOU can get mad at him. Either way, you win!

Rule Number 4
Save all your pennies and dump them in the bottom of your purse so
that when you are in the express lane you won't be embarrassed by
spending all that time looking for one and not finding any.

Rule Number 5
When asked if you want paper or plastic, take all the time you need
to make the right decision. Don't be rushed; get it right. If you're
not sure just say "BAG." That way they will have to ask you again,
giving you more time to decide. You may want to practice this at
home in case you are ever asked this question at a grocery store.

Rule Number 6
Always, and I repeat, ALWAYS tell the checker your reason for
choosing paper or plastic. Checkers by nature are very curious, and
if you should fail to give them your reason for choosing paper over
plastic the clerk is liable to lie awake at night wondering why you
didn't choose plastic.

Rule Number 7
Always keep this in mind: If something is heavy and you don't want
to lift it out of the basket and put it on the belt, don't fret
whether the checker will automatically know the price. After all,
everyone knows how smart those clerks are.

Rule Number 8
Since everyone knows how ignorant those clerks are, you must always
remember to tell them to not put the eggs and bread in the bottom of
the bag.

Rule Number 9
Feel free to ask your clerk anything you may want to know. All
checkers are experts on how to prepare whatever meal you should
decide to make that night. They can give you precise directions to
anywhere in the state you might want to go. They can tell you the
best restaurant around, the kind of wine you will like best or
anything else you may need to know about life. After all, everyone
knows how smart those clerks are.

Rule Number 10
Don't forget rule NO. 8

Rule Number 11
After waiting in the checkout line for several minutes and it's
finally your turn at the counter, be sure to tell the clerk that
more help is needed. He will certainly ensure that there is plenty
of help next time.

Rule Number 12
When the clerk greets you and asks how you're doing, don't feel
pressured into answering him. After all the clerk has to be polite
-- but you don't have to.

Rule Number 13
When the store is not busy and there is only one checkstand with a
light on be sure to ask the nearest clerk which checkstand is open.
You don't want to take a chance being tricked into the wrong one.

Rule Number 14
If the clerk asks you if you know the price of an item, and you
don't, tell him it's "2-something" or "3-something." The clerks love
that because they don't get to use their SOMETHING keys very often.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: If They Can't Count, How Can You Trust The Information?

In my latest weekly supermarket trip, I picked up a box of
individually wrapped Twix bars. Aside from the insult of having them
individually wrapped (Don't they know that Twix have to come in
pairs? It's tradition!) I noticed the following in the "nutrition
information" section:

Serving Size: 1 cookie.
Servings Per Container: about 11.

Excuse me ... ABOUT eleven? We're talking about an integer number
here! (My theory is that the person who wrote that got up to ten,
ran out of fingers, and approximated from there.)

[Editor's Note: Obviously, it was a female who wrote the nutrition
information section; males can count to eleven without having to
remove their shoes. ;-) ]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Dr. Stull's Donut-Diet Exercise Program
By William T. Stull

I'm sure you're all familiar with Dr. Stull's famous "Donut Diet."
The Donut-Diet Exercise Regimen will have you looking different in
no time.

Other fitness gurus say that if you really want to get in shape,
there are all sorts of ways of doing it with little or no investment:

    1. Walking
    2. Dancing
    3. Lifting Heavy Objects
    4. Knee bends
    5. Doing aerobics to a VCR tape

How boring! Dr. Stull has a better plan and it's a lot more fun, if
not actually *better* for you. Just perform the very same activities
the boring exercise people advise -- *with* Dr. Stull's
modifications ...

1. Walking: To the refrigerator. Build your biceps by opening and
closing the door really fast. See if you can beat the light.

Bend at the waist and try to see what's on the bottom shelf. Repeat
until the Haagen-Daaz is slightly soft.

2. Dancing (around the truth): Your spouse makes you wear striped
blouses/shirts so he/she can tell whether you're walking (see above)
or rolling.

3. Lifting heavy objects: How about that fat a** you're always
hauling around? It's pretty heavy. (No ma'am, I was not necessarily
referring to your husband.)

4. Knee bends? Elbow bends are a lot easier and a lot more
nutritious. Just get a plate of linguini and a Diet Coke. No huffing
& puffing here -- and it tastes better!

5. Doing Aerobics? Get real! The Food Channel has a set of videos
from the Cordon Bleu Cooking School that are a lot more practical.
Your friends might enjoy a fine meal, but I'm pretty sure they won't
be asking you to do squat-thrusts in a lime green leotard for
entertainment at their next party.

Send your questions on weight control and fitness to Dr. Stull!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Let Them Eat Caviar

I heard the other day that a caviar company was coming out with a
new product.  Using the cast-off and otherwise rejected caviar, it
is priced so that the less fortunate members of our society can
purchase this product and appear to be sophisticated. You know, have
a party and serve caviar -- I mean, it's not like anyone at the
party would have eaten REAL caviar.

The company decided the name for this new product should be:

"Skid Roe"

[Editor's Note: I suspended my "no puns" rule for this one. Apologies
to anyone who shares my convictions that mimes and people who tell
"pun" jokes should be shot on sight. ]

********************************************************************
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************
Rating: (You must be logged in to vote)

Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
Collage 386              H u m o u r N e t              03 Feb 1998

CONTENT WARNING: If you have any sense, self respect, dignity, and/or
easily-offended sensibilities, you should press the DELETE key *now*.
The contents of this Collage have been found to cause aggravation and
stomach upset in laboratory mice. They have been edited (the contents,
not the mice) to, um, "tone them down" a bit -- almost to the level
of acceptability for HumourNet -- but the subject matter and some of
the uneditable content will still be found offensive by many.

You've been warned.

          Welcome to the first-ever "Darwin Collage."

Just over a year ago, Prime Risk -- a HumourNet subscriber whose
parents apparently disliked him to a sufficient degree that they
actually gave him that name -- recommended to me a mailing list at
York University in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. The name of the mailing
list was "Darwin and Natural Selection."

Ostensibly, the list's purpose is discussion of Sir Charles Darwin's
theory of evolution. In practice, the list's purpose is discussion
of the more flamboyant and impressive methods by which some people
remove themselves from the gene pool.

The list has some of the best writers I've run across on the Internet.
It also has its own vernacular. A few of the more ubiquitous
Darwinisms are included here to help you better comprehend the rest
of the Collage:

    cleansing -- removal from the gene pool
    tard -- someone who is prime for a cleansing
    Father D., Chuck, English gentleman, etc. -- the omni-present
                                                 Charles Darwin

We start off this Collage with one of my posts from last summer.
It details a car accident that I witnessed on my way to work one
morning, and exemplifies the concept of the "tard" (if not the
actual cleansing):

* * * * *

Subject: Almost a Double Cleansing in Maryland

Today, the DarwinCam(tm) takes us to Adelphi, Maryland -- where the
deer and the bad-ass boys play. On the streets.

This one was a very impressive encounter between two TardMobiles(tm).
Like most auto accidents, though, you must work with me to construct
a picture of the scene ...

Imagine, if you will, a relatively gentle downhill grade to a
traffic-light-controlled intersection. Four lanes of rush-hour
traffic -- two each way. At the intersection, the two lanes in my
direction open into a third lane for left-hand turns -- controlled
by a left arrow at the traffic light.

On the fourth-quadrant corner (ObMathChallenged: The corner on the
right side, approaching the intersection) is a gas station, with an
exit on my side just prior to the intersection.

This gas station exit was designed by the ChuckMeister, himself; it
has already served as the vehicle, so to speak, of Darwinian
deliverance on many an occasion -- as it nearly did once more on
this day.

We enter the present tense ...

The light is red, and traffic is backed up, as always. I'm stopped
in the left-hand travel lane just prior to the gas station exit, and
pulled up short so that folks looking to exit to the left have a
clear area in front of me. (It's a relatively long traffic light.)

Enter Chrissie, a.k.a. "Tard 1." Chrissie spends way too much time
thinking about makeup and clothing to be driving a car. Today, she
is considering making a left-hand turn out of the gas station,
having recently used Daddy's credit card to fill up, undoubtedly so
that she can go use Daddy's credit card at the Big Mall Sale not too
far away. Summers are bad for Chrissie, because she's not protected
within a nice, safe classroom.

She sees that I have left a space in front of my car, so she
attempts to occupy that space -- and does so in a most Darwinian
fashion: without looking to see if there is any traffic in the RIGHT
lane, of which she would normally have had a crystal clear view,
were it not for her blue-tinted contacts. ("But Daddy, all the most
popular girls have blue eyes!)

One pair of soiled shorts and a little bit of wasted rubber later,
the car that was traveling down the right-hand lane has stopped
short of actual contact, having successfully demonstrated the
utility of the Pay-Attention-While-Driving gene. Chrissie bats her
pretty blue eyes, and gives him her best I'll-go-home-now-and-dye-
my-hair-blonde look.

Normally, the excitement would end right there. Not today. The
Chuckster is obviously gunning for this chick -- as is most of the
high school football team.

We'll take a quick detour for a moment, and will return to
Chrissie/Tard 1 shortly.

Enter the vehicle of near Darwinian deliverance, being driven by
Richard -- a.k.a. "Tard 2." Dick, as I'm sure his friends refer to
him, is a bad- ass pickup drivin', mouth breathin', fight-startin,
don't-screw-with-me TrailerTrash tard. He also has poor judgment, as
becomes a true tard.

He is about 12 cars behind me, in the same lane. While Tard #1 was
trying unsuccessfully to transfer paint from her driver's door to
some other guy's front bumper, Tard #2 was watching the left-hand
traffic signal go from red to green, and realized that it was about
to turn yellow at any moment. Not content to let the world pass him
by, Dick decides to take his bad-ass truck -- complete with enough
after-market add-ons to make even Michael Jackson jealous, *AND* (I
swear to god) a bumper sticker that reads "Bad Ass Boys Drive Bad
Ass Toys" -- across the double yellow line, and drive down the
[currently empty] left lane for oncoming traffic, in an attempt to
make the left-hand traffic signal before it turns red.

To do this, he has to accelerate his bad-ass truck quite a bit.

Now we return to The Tard Of The First Part, Chrissie. Remember her?
She has just finished looking really sheepish at the fellow who
nearly parked his engine on her lap. Meanwhile, Tard 2 has just
crossed the (I repeat) double yellow lines, and is accelerating as
quickly as his Bad Ass Toy will take him.

Chrissie, apparently upset that Daddy's credit card was nearly
struck by a car, fails to notice the Bad Ass Vehicle of Darwinian
Deliverance that is approaching from the left. She crosses in front
of me and proceeds to pull out, when her passenger (another Daddy's-
Credit-Card-Enhanced brain child, mind you) must have said something
to draw Tard 1's attention to their predicament. Chrissie finally
looks to the left, only to see Tard 2 bearing down on her -- and
still accelerating.

Here is where it gets fun.

I could see that Tard 2's chewing-tobacco-powered brain managed to
realize what was about to happen -- but slowing down would mean
missing the light. No sense working this hard just to miss the
light, so "I'll just swerve a little to the right, and pass right
behind her as she clears out from in front of me."

Uncle Chuck, of course, had other plans for the dynamic duo.

As Chrissie's "Powered By Revlon" brain comprehended just how bad
her situation was about to become, an elderly English gentleman
appeared in her back seat; leaning forward, he whispered into
Chrissie's beautifully jewelry-adorned ear, "Be the deer, Chrissie.
Be the deer."

Chuck's a pretty influential guy; Chrissie slammed on the brakes.

We now return to TardMobile 2 -- which is approaching TardMobile 1
at Bad Ass Speed(tm), and has already started the swerve-to-the-
right maneuver. As the words of his high-school Driver's Ed teacher
came back to him, "Always expect the unexpected, DickieBoy," he
realized that he had once again failed to properly anticipate
another one of life's little surprises. The Dickster immediately
tried to swerve back to the left, but another English gent by the
name of Newton appeared, and attempted to explain how that "first
time-derivative of momentum" thingy works -- which, of course, was
about as successful as explaining thermodynamics to Chrissie.

In an impressive explosion of radiator fluid, TardMobile 2 impacted
TardMobile 1 dead on the front quarter panel with enough force to
propel the somewhat rearranged AskMeAboutMaryKay Mobile nearly into
the intersection. The two vehicles came to a rest in a side-by-side
fashion about 20 meters (ObMetricChallenged: about 66 feet) or so
from the point of impact.

As it turned out, I was the only one who stayed until the police
arrived to take names and numbers. I've no doubt that Chrissie will
have to make an extra trip to Victoria's Secret to replace the
her undies. And Dick will have to make many, many trips to Trak Auto
(ObTrackAutoChallenged: A second-rate auto-parts store that happens
to be well overstocked with after-market add-ons that have high
TardAppeal(tm)) to put his Bad Ass Toy back to its pre-impact
status, lest it not draw the proper level of attention from the
local tardettes at Bob's Bar and Grille.

But there's one piece of equipment that he *won't* have to purchase:
His "Bad Ass Boys Drive Bad Ass Toys" bumper sticker; that was ever-
so-thankfully on his *rear* bumper, and thus survived unscathed.
(I'm sure that the police who wrote up the accident report were
suitably impressed by it.)

Uncle Chuck prefers those bad-ass chlorinations. I've no doubt that
he'll be back for these two.

Yours in Natural Selection,
Vince

* * * * *

Starting things off here is Jerry in Oregon, with "The One That
Didn't Get Away." (This is a news story that also appeared on the
Darwin list; unfortunately, I did not have time to get permission
to re-post the Darwin list version.)

Shayne D., easily one of the better writers on the Darwin list,
brings us "Darwin Is Off Like A Shot And Back In Training";

and Henry W. contributes a piece from his brother (Ted), entitled,
"AmanaTards."

The last two are re-posted from the Darwin list, and are included
here with permission of their respective authors. I'd like to thank
all three contributors, and especially Shayne and Ted for allowing
me to post their material here.

I wasn't going to do this -- but since I know that many of you will
ask, I have included instructions on how to find the Darwin list in
case you are really interested in subscribing. They are contained
somewhere in this Collage; it's not that big, so read carefully and
you will find it. Please do not ask me for subscription instructions.
In case you manage to subscribe, I will give you four VERY important
pieces of advice: (1) LURK, (2) read and save the list's Welcome
message once you receive it, (3) find and read the list's FAQ, and
(4) *LURK*.

Yours in natural selection ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com

(NOTE: No laboratory mice were harmed in the production of this
Collage.)
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: The One That Didn't Get Away

MAN DIES TRYING TO SWALLOW LIVE FISH
Akron, Ohio (AP) January 30, 1998

A man choked to death Thursday after trying to swallow a live
5-inch fish on a dare.

Paramedics removed the aquarium fish from 23-year-old Michael
Gentner's throat but could not resuscitate him. "They could see the
tail still sticking out of his mouth" said fire Lt. Dennis Ragins.

Three unidentified friends had called 911 to say Gentner had a fish
stuck down his throat and was having trouble breathing.

[Editor's Note: It was supposed to have been a *goldfish*, Michael;
they go down much more easily. ]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Darwin Is Off Like A Shot And Back In Training
By Shayne Dark

Ok, I'll admit it, there is something about fishing that appeals to
me. You take a creature with the brain the size of a pinhead and
drag it out of its environment, thrusting it into a place where it
can barely breathe, and is surrounded by people that basically want
to stave in its head. I guess it is like the first day of high
school. Now, fishing in and of itself is not a dangerous sport, but
with the proper application of poor location, equipment, and copious
alcohol, it can become as dangerous as any of the extreme
Darwin-approved sports.

We journey now to the Cynthiana, Kentucky and Mr. Edward Taylor.

Eddie baby was an avid fisherman who decided that the best place to
do his angling was from a Keller Crossing. Armed with worms, beer
and about four actively firing neurons, Eddie was walking cross the
bridge when a train had the temerity to sneak up behind him whilst
he was getting heavily into his 'be the fish' mojo. The engineer,
knowing that tard is extremely hard to get off the grill, started
sounding the horn in an attempt to get Eddie off the tracks; this
technique is very effective on cattle, but apparently the average
bovine has more on the ball than our hero. Rather than jumping off,
or getting out of the path, Eddie chose this moment to do his
impression of Jessie Owens and took off down the track, trying to
claim the Olympic record for not getting hit by a locomotive.

Seeing the fine example of natural selection in action, the engineer
slammed on the emergency brakes, but to no avail -- Eddie was struck
by the train and became one with the universe and the cow-catcher.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: AmanaTards
By Ted Rosen , Bellingham, Washington

I had to share this phone call I received with y'all. We all know
how dumb some folks can be, but this woman scored so high on my
"dumb-caller" meter that the needle wrapped around the retaining
pin.

This is not verbatim, but it's pretty damn close:

"ring-ring! ring-ring!"

Me: Hello! Eee-lectronic Service!

Caller: Hello. I think my microwave needs to get fixed.

Me: OK, What happened? Did it stop heating food or is it just dead?

Caller: Well, actually, it has a hole in it.

Me: A hole? Where? In the cavity -er- the inside where the food
goes?

Caller: Yes. Right in the back of the inside, near the bottom.

Me: Does this hole go all the way through the metal?

Caller: Yes, it does, but that's not the problem.

Me: Actually, that sounds like a big problem to me.

Caller: Oh no. It's run for years like that.

Me: (stunned silence)

Caller: The hole goes all the way through, it's about a half inch by
a half inch. But it worked fine until my boyfriend worked on it.

Me: Ma'am, I don't think it's advisable for you to run that
microwave under any conditions.

Caller: Well, I can't now! It won't work!

Me: No, really ma'am. I think you should replace that microwave.
Unplug it, clip the power cord so no one else will use it and throw
it away. Then get a new one.

Caller: But it's a good microwave!

Me: Ma'am, I would strongly advise against repairing this microwave.

Caller: Oh, I dunno! It's a good brand! Let me tell you what
happened, OK? My boyfriend tried to fix the hole by putting some JB
Weld in there. D'ya know what that JB Weld stuff is?

Me: (Hand over my eyes) Yes.

Caller: Well, he put that stuff in and let it dry out. Then we tried
the microwave but a bolt of lightning sparked inside and now it
don't work at all.

Me: Ma'am, I cannot stress how dangerous this microwave is. Let me
ask you: did the hole go right through the metal?

Caller: Yes.

Me: So you could see the inside of the microwave from the vent holes
in the back?

Caller: Well, I guess you probably could, yes.

Me: Ma'am, I don't know how to break this to you, but you've been
exposing yourself to some fairly high levels of microwave radiation.

Caller: Is that bad?

Me: It isn't good.

Caller: Will that stuff hurt me? I mean, don't the manufacturers fix
it so it won't hurt you? How could they do that?

Me: Well, the manufacturers do take steps to make sure the door is
shut very tight before the microwave will work. This keeps it from
accidentally leaking.

Caller: You mean I've been radiated? And my kids?

Me: Well, the radiation loses power quickly the farther it goes from
the microwave. If you were standing close to it while it cooked,
that's probably worse than going to another room.

Caller: I can't remember if I've done that or not. Should I see a
doctor?

Me: Well, I don't think you'll set off a Geiger counter or anything.
I'm not sure what the effects might be; I'm no doctor.

Caller: But what about the microwave? Can it be fixed?

Me: Ma'am, you best unplug that thing, clip the cord so no one else
tries to use it, throw it out and buy a new one. Really.

Caller: But why? It's a good microwave! Can't you fix it?

Me: Well ma'am, for one thing, the integrity of the cavity has been
compromised. Once I fix the blown components, you'll still have a
destroyed cavity. Throw it out.

Caller: But my boyfriend removed all the JB Weld. The hole looks
just like it did before he put that stuff in there.

Me: Ma'am, I'm being quite serious about this. That microwave is
dangerous. Do not fix it. Throw it out and buy a new one.

Caller: I don't see why you can't fix it.

Me: Ma'am I cannot replace an entire cavity. It would cost more than
a new microwave. Buy a new one and throw that thing out.

Caller: (sighs) Oh, well. I guess I'll have to if you won't fix it.

Me: I'm being quite serious, ma'am. That thing is dangerous.

Caller: Oh, I dunno. It worked fine until my boyfriend got a hold of
it.

Me: Ma'am, that thing is dangerous. I cannot fix that hole and I
wouldn't want you to use it again even if I could. That microwave is
an accident waiting to happen. Throw it away and buy a new one.
Really.

Caller: Oh, well. I'll see what I can do. If I have to, I'll buy a
new one. Goodbye.

Me: Goodbye.

********************************************************************
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************
Rating: (You must be logged in to vote)

Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
Collage 387              H u m o u r N e t              22 Feb 1998

I realize that there has been something of an unplanned hiatus here
at HumourNet, but the response to Collage 386 (forever to be known
as the "Darwin Collage") has been tremendous. In one week, the Darwin
mailing list grew by a factor of five or so; two weeks after I sent
the Collage, I had to remove the autoresponder that was providing
the subscription instructions.

The fallout from the Darwin Collage, coupled with the problems at
MAE-West for a week or so, have kept us busy here at HQ HumourNet.

But not so busy that we haven't been able to keep a wary eye on our
wily leader, and his proclivity for peccadillos.

Nor has the rest of the world. Prameet in Singapore sent me a
"ForniGate" (as the New York Times refers to it) contribution, along
with the question, "What does 'gate' mean?"

Ah, good question, Prameet. In English, "gate" means many things: For
example, as a noun, it refers to a structure that blocks an entrance
or a passageway; as a verb, it refers to the action of selectively
passing or blocking information (much a man's auditory nerve gates
certain sounds -- like "mow the lawn" or "take out the trash").

But in *politics*, "Gate" is used as a suffix, and is probably the
single most feared word in the entire political community. The term
originated with WaterGate -- the name of the hotel ("Watergate") in
which some of Richard Nixon's cronies were caught Doing Bad Things.
Since then, we've seen "Gates" such as ContraGate, White-WaterGate,
and TravelGate. (And now "ForniGate"; however, since the NY Times
has patented ForniGate, I will have to use my own term: "GarterGate."
Sounds seedier, anyway.)

In short, the suffix "Gate" refers to being caught someplace where
you do not belong. For example:

   Political Figure   "Gate"         Was caught inside of
   ----------------   ----------     -----------------------------

   Richard Nixon      WaterGate      the headquarters of the
                                     Democratic National Convention

   Oliver North       ContraGate     shady arms deals

   Hillary Clinton    TravelGate     questionable hiring & firing
                                     practices at the White House

   Hillary and        White-Water-   shady land deals
   Bill Clinton       Gate

   Bill Clinton       GarterGate     Monica Lewinsky

See how simple it is?

Anyway, to help celebrate the occasion, I am offering this special
"GarterGate" Collage -- complete with the latest in GarterGate
technology!

Cary Seals starts us off with an awesome rendition of "Gilligan's
Island," reworded as "Slick Willie's Place";

Jonathan in New York City brings us "Clinton Q&A" (sit down, Shawn;
that's a "Q," not a "T"), "Survey Says," and the hysterical "Political
Game Show";

Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado, sends along "Clinton and the
Pope";

Ahuva in Jerusalem, Israel, submits "Bill Approval" and "More Clinton
Q&A";

and Hy in Redondo Beach, California, contributes "The Top 14 Nicknames
for the President's Member" and "Command Decision."

A huge thanks to our contributors, as always. (Oh, and a warning:
Given the subject matter, those of you who are easily offended might
not want to proceed any further. The next Collage is looking like it
will probably be a long-overdue "Geeks" collection, so wait for that.)

That's it for GarterGate. Stay tuned until the next installment, when
we review the upcoming (cough) movie, "Bill Clinton Does The White
House" -- soon to be a minor motion picture!

Enjoy! It's what Bill would have wanted ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Slick Willie's Place
By Cary Seals

(Sung, if possible, to the tune of Gilligan's Island)

Oh sit right back and you'll hear a tale
A tale of a fateful trip
That started in Hope, Arkansas
'Tween Jennifer Flowers' hips

Her date was the mighty governor,
Bill Clinton was his name.
One night he met young Paula Jones
And on to her he came.
And on to her he came.

Whitewater started getting rough.
His mighty dick was lost.
If not for the help of the Highway Patrol,
He couldn't get it off,
He couldn't get it off.

Willie left town and settled in this gorgeous new White House
With Hillary, that damn cat too,
The Vice-President and his wife,
Kenneth Starr, and a bed
Here at Slick Willie's Place!

So this is the tale of our President,
He shows nothing now but class.
Nothing can distract him
Except a piece of a**.

The First Lady and Tipper too
Will do their very best
To see that Willie's comfortable
In his government love nest.

He moves, he strikes, he reels them in,
He feels the passion burn.
Before she knows just what is up,
He's banged the new intern.

So join us here in court my friend,
I'm sure that you'll be pleased.
Just give your deposition
Down upon your knees.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Clinton Q&A

Q: What was Yasser Arafat's advice to Bill Clinton?
A: Goats don't talk ...

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: Survey Says ... !

An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question:
Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?

1%  said, "No"
2%  said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: Political Game Show

Tony Blair, Prime Minister of Great Britain, Jacques Chirac,
President of France, and Bill Clinton, the U.S. President, were in a
contest to determine which of them was the greatest lover.

First question was to Tony Blair: "If you are on a first date with a
woman and you want to kiss her, where do you kiss her?"

Blair: "On the lips?" Judge: "That's right!"

Second question was to the Jacques Chirac: "If you are on a second
date with a woman and you want to kiss her, where do you kiss her?"

Chirac: "On ze breasts?" Judge: "That's right!"

Third question was to Bill Clinton: "If you are on a third date with
a woman and you want to kiss her, where do you kiss her?"

Clinton: "Don't ask me; I missed both'a them first two questions!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Clinton and the Pope

Bill Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an
administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was
sent to hell.

The Pope explained the situation to the devil, who checked out all
of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told,
however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and
correct the error

The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye
to the Pope as he went off to heaven.

On his way up, the Pope met Clinton who was on his way down, and
they stopped to chat.

Pope: Sorry about the mix up.

Clinton: No problem!

Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.

Clinton: Why is that? It's not that great

Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.

Clinton: Sorry, your Holiness -- but you're about a day late.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Bill Approval

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see
one of his aides nervously approach him.

"What is it?" exclaims the President.

"It's the Abortion Bill, Mr. President -- what do you want to do
about it?"

"Just go ahead and pay it."

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: More Clinton Q&A

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Top 14 Nicknames for the President's Member

14. The Speaker of the House

13. Free Willy

12. Presidential Erection

11. The Sin Doctor

10. Hail to the Beef

9. The Secret Servicer

8. The Pocket Veto

7. The Cabinet Member

6. Titanic (because 1,500 people went down on it)

5. The Gross National Product

4. The Washington Monument

3. The Commander in briefs

2. The Washington Post

1. The Executive Branch

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: Command Decision

Has everyone heard about Hillary making a command decision to bring
a new intern into the White House?

It's Lorena Bobbit.

********************************************************************
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************
Rating: (You must be logged in to vote)

Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
Collage 388              H u m o u r N e t              02 Mar 1998


In response to Collage 387, Steve in Fairfax, Virginia, informed me
that the piece entitled "The Top 14 Nicknames for the President's
Member" was from Chris White's famous "Top 5" list. I was all set to
retro-credit the piece when Chris White informed me that it really
wasn't from his list.

So, no retro-credit. But Collage 388 *does* feature a Top5 list --
and since it's such a great list (seriously, it is), and since Chris
is such a great guy (okay, I'm making that up), I figured I'd go
ahead and plug Chris's list, anyway. Plus, I'm bound to publish
SOMETHING from his list without attribution sooner or later, so this
will retro-credit Top5 in advance:

        The "Top 5" List
    
      

Also, I'd like to thank Chris for being such a good sport about the
occasional unattributed piece here on HumourNet.


Though there was only a single complaint, the GarterGate(tm) Collage
*did* push the envelope of acceptable humour here on HumourNet. So
I've decided to balance that somewhat by going to the other extreme.

                               GEEKS

Yessiree, it's that time again, folks. To start things off, we have
a URL for you: Haiku Error Messages. These haikus have been making
the rounds lately, but have been traveling lightly -- that is, they
have been circulating without proper attribution. Tonight's URL is
brought to you with permission from Salon Magazine:

    

(I would have posted the piece, itself -- but, for some very good
reason that has now escaped me, I inquired only if I could post the
URL. So there it is.)

Today's Collage, however, is dedicated to a special class of geek:
the system administrator, or "sysadmin."

Our opener is an actual series of [excerpted] posts from a mailing
list called "Mac-L" -- a conglomeration of Macintosh users. The topic
of this thread was fighting spam ...

** From Rich:

[...]
It's entirely possible. For example, some ISPs I know have software
that will "ping" the return address of all incoming email, and if
the result is negative, indicating an invalid address, then the
message is either bounced or discarded. Vince can probably clue you
in on other techniques in use.

** Toby's response to Rich:

I've never received any spam via my ISP. I thought that was because
it was a small, local ISP--not profitable for spammers gleaning
addresses. Now you've given me something to do tomorrow, Rich .
I'll contact my ISP & ask if it's pinging.

** Vince's response to Toby and Rich:

This is the kind of thing that keeps system administrators in the
BOFHery ...

ISP: Hello, local ISP, system administrator speaking, how can I help
you?

TM: I have a technical question for you ...

ISP: Sure, go ahead.

TM: Are you pinging?

ISP: Pinging what?

TM: Mail messages.

ISP: Huh?

TM: Are you pinging mail messages? Someone said that when mail comes
in, you can "ping" the return address, and if the result is negative,
then you can bounce or discard the message.

ISP: Oh, you're asking if we are doing domain verification!?

TM: I don't know. Is that the same as pinging?

ISP: No, it's n--

TM: Then that's not what I'm asking. I want to know if you're pinging.

ISP: Are you asking if we send ICMP packets?

TM: What are those?

ISP: Internet Control Message Protocol. Ping, traceroute, that kinda
stuff.

TM: What does that have to do with spammers?

ISP: Who said anything about spammers?

TM: Look, I just want to know if you are pinging spammers.

ISP: No, but we sure wish we could.

TM: Well, someone on Mac-L says you can.

ISP: Can do *what*? And what's Mac-L?

TM: It's a listserv, and this guy on the listserv said that you
could ping the return addresses of incoming messages to see if they
are spammers.

ISP: It's not a listserv, only LISTSERV(tm) is a listserv.

TM: What do you mean? I know that it's a listserv -- I'm subscribed
to it.

ISP: No, you mean that it's a mailing list that is running on a
*list server*. "LISTSERV" is a trademarked name that refers to a
particular program that hosts mailing lists. You subscribe to
mailing lists, not to list servers -- and certainly not to
listservs.

TM: Whatever. I don't care. I just want to know if you are pinging
spammers! Like I was saying, this guy on the listserv--

ISP: "mailing list"

TM: Whatever! This guy said that you could ping spammers. Now, are
you doing that, or not?

ISP: No, but we *are* doing domain verifications on incoming mail
messages, which, I think, is what the guy was *really* trying to
say.

TM: Is that the same as pinging?

ISP: Yes, I guess you could say that.

TM: WELL, THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?



And we wonder why they drink.

Well, you won't be wondering for long. Anthony in Pleasanton,
California, starts off tonight's Collage with "Adventures Across
the Luser Dimension";

John in Hoffman Estates, Illinois, brings us "A New And Truly Useful
Help Desk Form";

Craig in Minneapolis, Minnesota, takes credit for submitting today's
Official Top5 List(sm), "The Top 12 Things You Don't Want to Hear
From Tech Support";

Richard in Phoenix, Arizona (well, he was still in Phoenix when he
submitted this one back in the 1989 time frame ;-) brings us the truly
awesome "SysAdmin Man Page";

Shawn King, moderator of our sister list, Bawdy.Net, sends along the
"Top Twenty Tech-Support Desk No-No's";

and Kaiti in Alexandria, Virginia, submits another hysterical piece,
"Neanderthal Tech Support."

Huge thanks to all our contributors -- and an extra thanks to St. John
in Philadelphia for sending along the "Haiku Error Messages" URL.

And to all the sysadmins of the world: A Twinkie-and-Coffee tribute.
Enjoy ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Adventures Across the Luser Dimension

Anthony tells us, "Let me set the stage. This user has a very high
EMQ (Employee Management Quotient). He is a real pain in the butt. I
receive messages like this frequently, with demands, accusations,
needs, and marching orders. I don't report to him. It was a late
Sunday/early Monday Morning, when I received the e-mail; I may have
been too sarcastic -- but it was cleansing for my soul. Since he
cc'd the original e-mail to half the office. I blind copied the
whole office with my reply."

  -------Original Message------

Subject: Voice Mail
Author: Joe Smith
Date:  1/19/97 11:55 AM

There have been a number of instances, noticed by a number of
people, that VM messages left in don't necessarily become available
to the "addressee" until a good while after a message is left -- in
some cases, hours! What gives?

  ---------Reply---------

Subject: Re: Voice Mail
Author: Me
Date:  1/20/97 1:11 AM

Michael...

O.K. You caught up with me finally. I'd like to confess to the real
work I do on the PBX and voice system.......

There is a "special" process (or daemon) that runs on the Voice Mail
machine that randomly ques messages to the "holding bin". The
message selection and bin holding time is managed by a UNIX Daemon
called Random-Acts(c). The message selection is based upon the
number of messages processed by the Voice Mail Message Handler, as
well as certain weighting factors that we can program into the
machine based upon YOUR extension; e.g. we can increase/decrease the
chance you are affected by the Random-Acts(c) Daemon by changing a
parameter option in the Administration Screen of your voice mail
extension.

The Random-Acts(c) Daemon then calculates the holding time based
upon a Bell Labs algorithm that was patented back in the 50's for
use by secretaries (and then Hotel Operators and even later
Technical Support Desks) to figure out holding times and weighting
waiting averages for messages without having to know the urgency of
the message.

The efficiency of the calculation was tremendous and the process
moved to the mail room and then, as technology progressed, to the
voice mail system. Now we can hold, delay, reroute, delete, garble,
cut short, invert, spindle, mutilate, and remove mattress tags prior
to sale from voice mail 24 hours a day without having to handle each
mail ourselves. Isn't technology wonderful?

Now that you have smoked me out, I guess that I will have to put
your variable modifier back to 0 from -20 (which of course increased
your chance of being affected. As administrator I am the only mail
box that has the option of being immune to the Random-Acts(c)
Daemon). However, this doesn't prevent your voice-mail box from
being affected by the Consonant/Vowel Removal Process, The Volume
Fluctuation Modifier, the Static Inducing Module, nor the Rare Jive
Translation Virus.

I do not currently have the expertise (due to training cutbacks
here at the corporate office) to manage these processes or modules.
Our PBX Admin. contractor, Liz, is responsible for these areas.
Please fill out a Communication Request form and e-mail it me. If
the e-mail is not singled out by the E-Mail Redirection Filter, I
will pass it along to the PBX Admin.

If you have any more questions please feel free to contact me.

TonyB

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Finally, A New And Truly Useful Help Desk Form

1. Describe your problem:
  ____________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
  ____________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
  ____________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:
  A. Minor__
  B. Minor__
  C. Minor__
  D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:
  A. Locked Up__
  B. Frozen__
  C. Hung__
  D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
  ____________________________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? _______

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem
occurred?
  _____________________________________________

17. If "nothing," explain why you were logged in.
  _____________________________________________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel?
  ____________________________________________

20. Tell me about your childhood
  ____________________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Top 12 Things You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support
From the "Top Five List," top5@walrus.com,

12. "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"

11. "...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."

10. "So -- what are you wearing?"

9. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"

8. "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."

7. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes.  Press 3
if you're with the FTC."

6. "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of
duct tape, and a car battery."

5. "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."

4. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."

3. "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"

2. "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."

and the Number 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support...

1. "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: SysAdmin Man Page

sysadmin(1)        User Commands        sysadmin(1)

NAME
  sysadmin - responsible for everything imaginable that may or
  may not have to do with the system you're using. Contraction
  of "system" and "administrator".

SYNOPSIS
  sysadmin [ -ab ][ -cd ][ -ef ] etc......

DESCRIPTION
  sysadmin takes care of everything, is generally harangued,
  must be supplied with coffee, chocolate, and Twinkies(tm) in
  order to function properly, cannot be exposed to direct sun-
  light, and must not be allowed to have a life.

  sysadmin is not intended as a user interface routine; other
  programs provide user-friendly front ends; sysadmin is used
  by everyone who can track him down.

  With no flags, sysadmin reads its standard input up to an
  EOF, or a line which sysadmin wishes to parse, and then
  proceeds to ignore it entirely and read news all day. When
  invoked with the -w option, sysadmin reads standard input
  and responds according to terms of job description.

OPTIONS
  -bofh  Go into Bastard Operator From Hell mode.
         This option causes sysadmin to use tools
         stored in the /usr/lib/bofh directory to
         parse the standard input and route user
         tasks appropriately.

  -cd    Causes sysadmin to become caffeine deprived,
         resulting in system slowdowns.

  -J     Causes the sysadmin to function normally
         while augmenting the standard input with
         coffee(5). Can be used with the -T option as
         well, depending upon which version of sysad-
         min you are running.

  -T     Causes the sysadmin to eat Twinkies, which
         can result in significant performance
         improvement, provided you are running the
         correct version of sysadmin.

  -Cfile Specify an alternate configuration file
         (sysadmin.cf is the standard).

  -dX    Set debugging value to X.

  -fFullname   Set the full name of the sysadmin.

  -Bf    Create the sysadmin.cf configuration freeze
         file.

  -lname Sets the name of the "luser" person (that
         is, originator of a given request). -l can
         be used only by "trusted" users (who are
         listed in sysadmin.cf).

NOTES
  The -T option should not be used with a version of sysadmin
  which is not capable of parsing Twinkies input. Though the
  functionality of this command may seem similar to the -b
  option, it should not be confused with that or the related
  -J option.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top Twenty Tech-Support Desk No-No's

20. Try to sell home-made LSD to caller.

19. "Still not used to this whole electricity thing, huh?"

18. Proclaim your undying love.

17. Advise the customer to lick the power supply.

16. "So,what are you wearing?"

15. Constantly refer to caller as "Pumpkin".

14. As you look up a part number, whistle loudly in a monotone.

13. "You've got to be kidding."

12. "What you do is get yourself 50 cents and go and buy a clue."

11. Use baby talk.

10. "I don't get paid enough to deal with jerks like you."

9. Ridicule the inadequacy of the caller's system.

8. "Yo no hablo ingles."

7. Use metaphors based on your experiences with rabid dogs.

6. Laugh maniacally.

5. Twist the callers words to make it seem as if there is no problem.

4. "You're screwed. You're just screwed."

3. Encourage the caller to pound on the CPU casing.

2. Try to set up caller with your second cousin.

1. "How the hell did you get access to a computer?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Neanderthal Tech Support

The tech-support problem dates back to long before the industrial
revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to
communicate:

Hullo. This fire help desk. Me Groog

Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.

You have flint and stone?

Ugh.

You hit them together?

Ugh.

What happen?

Fire not work.

(sigh) Make spark?

No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.

*sigh* You change rock?

I change nothing

You sure?

Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn
Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.

*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*

*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*

********************************************************************
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************
Rating: (You must be logged in to vote)

Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
Collage 389              H u m o u r N e t              11 Mar 1998



On Friday, 6 March 1998, HumourNet was featured on "What's Funny on
the Internet Today." (It is truly amazing what people will do for
five dollars these days. Not to say that the judges at WFIT are
*corrupt*, mind you. I mean, "corrupt" is such a strong word. I
prefer to refer to them as "businessmen.")

So, be sure to check out our brief moment in the shade ...

    

After all, I'd hate to have wasted the five bucks for nothing.



Due to technical problems at HQ HumourNet, there is no "opener" for
today's Collage. But the subject matter really needs no opener; it's
a regular here on HumourNet, and certainly stands tall on its own.

Welcome, once again, to the "Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame."

(BTW, the Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame is A HumourNet Original(tm),
just like the "Unsubscription Fee," and that ever-popular on-line
game, "Guess Who Bill Murdered THIS Week?!" :-)

Starting things off is Rondal in New York City, with "The Importance
of Not Being Seen -- Take One";

Barry in Bowling Green, Kentucky, follows up with, "The Importance of
Not Being Seen -- Take Two";

John S. in Atlanta, Georgia, continues the theme with -- you guessed
it -- "The Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take Three";

and Randy Cassingham of Boulder, Colorado -- author of "This is True"
-- brings us a double whammy with "The
Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take Four" and "Make A Getaway In
Your Chevrolet";

Robert in Freeport, Texas, sends along the piece entitled, "I'll Take
Door Number Three for Twenty-Five-to-Life, Please";

Rick in Bakersfield, God-knows-where, submits "At Least He Recognized
His Station in Life";

Dave H. in Ames, Iowa, takes credit for [submitting -- not the crime]
"Know Your Target -- Take One";

Gerrit in Kruibeke-Bazel, Belgium, brings us "Know Your Target --
Take Two";

and Mark B in the United Kingdom closes out this edition of the
Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame with "Hooked on Grand Larceny."

Many thanks to all our contributors!

Enjoy ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: The Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take One

NY Times, Monday, August 25, 1997 -- Alwyn Green of Jersey City, New
Jersey, was arrested late Saturday night in Flatlands, Brooklyn. The
suspected drug dealer phoned in a fake report of a police officer
needing assistance, which served only to call attention to himself
and the pound and a half of cocaine he had.

According to police, Green reported an officer in trouble on East
36th Street. Officers who answered the call quickly realized that
the report was false. When they learned that the call came from a
telephone at Ryder and Flatlands Avenues, three blocks away, Sgt.
Stephen Bruno and four other officers from the 63d Precinct headed
there, and saw Mr. Green talking on a pay phone and holding a
shopping bag.

Seeing the police approach, Mr. Green hung up the phone and walked
away, leaving the shopping bag behind, a police spokeswoman said.
When the officers looked in the bag, which held cocaine, Mr. Green
started running but was caught a block away.

Mr. Green was also holding a knapsack that contained cocaine, the
police said. The charges against him include reporting a false
incident and criminal possession of drugs with intent to sell.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take Two
Excerpted from the Daily News (Bowling Green, KY), July 1997

Army Pvt. Daniel Christian Bowden was arrested at the Fort Belvoir
Federal Credit Union in Fort Belvoir, Virginia, after a teller
thought she recognized him as the man who robbed the bank several
weeks earlier, according to an affidavit filed Tuesday. The robber
did not wear a mask.

Bowden told the teller he wanted to wire $2,900 to Texas and pushed
a pile of cash across the counter to be deposited in his account,
according to the affidavit.

The bills' serial numbers matched a list of the $4,759 taken in the
robbery, so the teller called military police.

Bowden is a military police officer who had undergone training on
handling bank robberies, law enforcement officials said. He is also
a suspect in the May 12 robbery of another northern Virginia bank."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take Three

A guy in Conyers, Georgia, apparently "stole" his own Mercedes.

He hid the car in his basement and then told the police that it had
been stolen. The goal, apparently, was insurance fraud.

However, he apparently forgot that his Benz was equipped with Lojak.

The police activated the device and tracked the car to the man's
basement. He has been arrested.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take Four
Wed, 10 Dec 1997 18:11:27 PST

MIAMI BEACH (Reuters) - Miami Beach resident Todd Boucino was
arrested by a posse of police officers after bungling an attempt at
robbing a NationsBank branch on Washington Avenue -- just down the
road from a precinct station.

According to police spokesman Al Boza, Boucino walked into the bank,
simulated carrying a concealed weapon, and told a teller "give me
all the money." The teller fled, and Boucino helped himself to the
cash.

Just outside, a passing off-duty police officer heard the commotion
and put out the alert.

Running out of the bank, Boucino frantically tried to flag down a
taxi but the driver, seeing bystanders gesturing in the background,
refused to take him.

As Boucino fled, he was "chased literally by a parade of officers
... I was one of them," Boza said. One cop having a snack in a diner
joined in.

The alleged robber managed to stop a cab in another street, but the
chasing police officers caught him as he climbed in. They recovered
the money; Boucino was charged with armed robbery.

"This was an exercise in how not to rob a bank. He got the wrong
day," Boza said.

[Editor's Note: Sounds like he got the wrong line of work. ]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: I'll Take Door Number Three for Twenty-Five-to-Life, Please

Inmate and would-be escapee Mark Conover had his choice of three
doors when he made his break for freedom.

He chose the wrong door.

Upset that a Harris County, Texas, judge had revoked his bail for
showing up late to court, Conover made a run for it. The inmate ran
down a hallway connecting two misdemeanor courts, with deputies in
hot pursuit.

He passed the door to the stairwell.

He passed the door to a courtroom.

He chose door No. 3 -- the door that led to a prisoner holdover
cell.

"He was embarrassed," Baliff Toby Devine said.

Conover, who was in court on a misdemeanor charge of driving with a
suspended license, was apprehended and now faces felony escape
charges.

Because he is a habitual criminal, Conover's short-lived quest for
freedom may prove very expensive. If convicted, his failed escape
attempt could lead to a minimum of 25 years in prison.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: At Least He Recognized His Station in Life

At the Lancaster State Prison, an inmate had an insightful means of
escape. He hid himself in a garbage dumpster knowing that in the
morning, he would be dumped into a garbage truck, would be hauled to
the local landfill, and walk away.

He WAS found at the local landfill with nearly every bone in his
body broken. He won't walk again for quite a while...

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Know Your Target -- Take One
Excerpted from the Des Moines Register, Tuesday, 18 November 1997

An employee of McDonald's Restaurant [in Des Moines] was mugged late
Sunday as he took a bucket of grease outside to dump in a container.

Donald L. Skelton, 64, was cut with a knife, but his injuries were
listed as minor.

Des Moines police said Skelton walked outside about 11:35 p.m. After
dumping the grease, he turned to walk back into the building and was
confronted by two men demanding money.

One of them carried a shotgun or rifle, and the other carried a
knife. Skelton told police he grabbed the man with the knife and
started to swing the grease bucket at him. He was able to get away,
but suffered cuts on his neck and left hand.

"No arrests were reported."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Know Your Target -- Take Two

A bunch of not-so-smart bank robbers have blown up a sort of ATM
machine in Sint-Jans-Molenbeek, a small village in Belgium near
Brussels.

There was a lot of damage done to the bank as well as to houses in
the neighbourhood, but the bank robbers didn't get a lot of money.

It seems that the machine they blew up was a dispenser of account
statements instead of a money dispenser.

[Editor's Note: Gerrit adds, "For those who can read dutch:
." ]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Hooked on Grand Larceny
Heard on BBC Radio 2, 2nd Jan 1998

Two men were arrested for burglary recently on videotaped evidence.

Police had raided the home of one of the men (on an unrelated
matter) and were surprised to discover that the man a video library,
featuring a tape onto which he had recorded (videotaped) the crimes
of himself and his colleague, edited crimes together and added
incidental music.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Make A Getaway In Your Chevrolet
Excerpted from "This is True," .
Copyright 1997, Randy Cassingham; used with permission of the author.

Heather Beckwith, 18; Curtis Johnson, 19; Michael Guilbault, 19; and
Justin Lowery, 17, were driving around Raleigh, N.C., looking for
just the right place to rob, prosecutors say. Once they chose a spot,
Beckwith and Johnson hid the car in a dark spot while Guilbault and
Lowery went into the store. When they came out, they found Beckwith
and Johnson in the getaway car, in the dark, with the doors locked,
"steaming up the windows," Assistant DA Jeffrey Cruden said. They
told Guilbault and Lowery to "be patient." Once the couple "completed
the act" they unlocked the doors. By then, witnesses had a good
description of the car and the four were arrested. Johnson and
Lowery have been charged with robbery and await trial. Guilbault has
pleaded guilty to robbery; and Beckwith has pleaded guilty to being
an accessory after the fact. (Raleigh News and Observer) ...That's
not what I meant when I said "Let's hit the Quickie Mart."

********************************************************************
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
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Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
Collage 390              H u m o u r N e t              16 Mar 1998

Yet another opener-less Collage; sorry! It's especially sad, since
there is so much great kiddie material running around -- but it's
either no opener or no Collage.

And so ...

David in Sunnyvale, California, starts us off with, "The Home Physics
Laboratory";

Daniel in Walpole, Massachusetts brings us a suggestion for "Effective
Child Rearing";

Danielle in Raleigh, North Carolina, takes credit for "Just Another
Toy";

Loretta (a.k.a. "The Olde Broad") in Branchburg, New Jersey, sends
along the "Thanksgiving Cookbook";

J.D. in South Plainfield, New Jersey, submits "Accomplice";

and Randy M. in Herndon, Virginia (and a co-listmom on one of the
discussion lists that I run) brings us "Jack Handy -- Kids' Redux."

(Apologies for the lengths of two pieces in this Collage: "Jack
Handy -- Kids' Redux" and "Thanksgiving Cookbook." Believe it or
not, I trimmed both of them down a bit for this Collage.)

Huge thanks to our contributors! Enjoy ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: The Home Physics Laboratory

Frogs can survive the washing machine but don't do well in the
dryer. Frog bits will never come out of dried clothes. Throw them
away before they stink up the whole house.

Ditto snakes.

Mascara on cat whiskers makes really cool wavey lines on anything
onto which he tries to rub it off. They do not come off of paint.

Boys can jump off a two story high roof and break nothing but mom
will be on tranquilizers for at least a week.

If you stick a lighter into the sprinkler head in the bathroom, the
sprinklers will go off in the entire loft. It takes 5 minutes to
raise the level of water to the point where the downstairs neighbor
is also getting flooded.

Long-haired dogs hate Epilady.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Effective Child Rearing

"Make sure your children understand what 'death' means. It is then
much more effective when you threaten them with it."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Just Another Toy

A few years ago, my then 3-year-old brother visited with me during
my freshman year in college. We went over to the music building and
I played the piano for him. After I played a few songs, he jumped
down from the bench, walked all the way around the piano and looked
underneath. I asked what he was looking for and he said, "Where do
the batteries go in this thing?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Thanksgiving Cookbook (The Abridged Version)
by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class

NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be responsible for medical bills resulting
from use of her class's cookbook

Ivette -- Banana Pie:
You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in
the pie. Then you eat it.

Russell -- Turkey
You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300
degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it.

Geremy -- Turkey
You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the
refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make
sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you
put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then
you invite people over and eat.

Andrew -- Pizza
Buy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10
hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.

Shelby -- Applesauce
Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up.
Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce." Then you eat it.

Meghan H. -- Turkey
You cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven for 15
minutes and 4 degrees. you take it out and let it cool and then
after 5 minutes, then you eat it.

Danny -- Turkey
You put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put it in the
oven. Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.

Brandon -- Turkey
First you buy it at Fred Meyer. Then you cut it up and cook it for 15
hours at 200 degrees. Then you take it out and eat it.

Megan K -- Chicken
You put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put gravy on
it and eat it.

Christa -- Cookies
Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in the
oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry them
off. Then it's time to eat them.

Irene -- Turkey
Put it on a plate and put it in the oven with gravy. You cook it for
1 minute and for 100 degrees. Then it's all cooked. Your mom or dad
cuts it and then eat.

Moriah -- Turkey
First you cut the bones out. Then you put it in the oven for 10 hours
at 600 degrees. Then you put it on the table and eat it.

Jordyn -- Turkey
First you have to cut it up and put it on a plate in the oven for 9
minutes and 18 degrees. Then you dig it out of the oven and eat it.

Grace -- Turkey
First you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you put
brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a spoon and
then you add some milk and mix it again. And then you put it in a
pan. Then you put it in the oven for 15 minutes and 16 degrees. Then
you take it out of the oven and then you eat it.

Alan -- Turkey
First you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it in the
oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You put it on plates
and then you eat it.

Jason -- Chicken Pie
Put the chicken in the pot and put the salad and cheese and mustard
and then you mix it all together. Then put chicken sauce and stir it
all around again. Then you cook it for 5 minutes at 9 degrees. Then
you eat it.

Christopher -- Pumpkin Pie
First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done. And you
cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees. Then you eat it.

Ashley -- Chicken
Put it in the oven. Then cut it up. Then I eat it.

Jennie -- Corn
My mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it. Then you eat it.

Jordan -- Cranberry Pie
Put cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries in it. Then you put
dough in it. Then you bake it. Then you eat it.

Adam -- Pumpkin Pie
First you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake it at 5
degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it.

Jarryd -- Deer Jerky
Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go hunting and
bring it with you. Then you eat it.

[Editor's Note: "Deer Jerky"? ]

Isabelle -- Spaghetti
Put those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it. Then cook
it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees.

Nicholas -- White and Brown Pudding
First you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then you eat
it.

Lauren -- Turkey
First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in a pan.
Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it. Put salsa on it.
Take out of pan. Put it on the board. Cut into little pieces. Put on
a rack. Put in the oven for 7 minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of the
oven and put eensy weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a little more
salsa on it. Then you eat it.

Tommy -- Pumpkin
Cook the pumpkin. Then get ready to eat the pumpkin

Wai -- Pumpkin Pie
Get a pumpkin. Cook it. Eat it.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Accomplice

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach
the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite
reach it. The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch
and pushed the doorbell.

He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"

The boy answered, "We'd better run like hell!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Jack Handy -- Kids' Redux  (The Expurgated Version)

Excerpted rom an actual newspaper contest, where entrants aged 4 to
15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy" ...

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we
get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I
should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn
eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. Age 10

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better
have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. Age 5

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine
that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source
of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier,
the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water
riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. Age 13

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my
dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away
all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. Age
14

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is
why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to
wash clothes on the last day of their life? Age 15

Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think
about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" Age 15

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have
a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December
26, just for the long weekends. Age 8

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a
few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple
of days saved up. Age 7

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting
just any old yokel vote. Age 10

Home is where the house is. Age 6

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it,
the blood would be right there. Age 5

The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think
it odd that I drive without pants. Age 15

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Age 13

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock.
That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except
maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or
"Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was
speeding?" Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no
feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed
them, right? Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize
world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be
until the looting started. Age 15

********************************************************************
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************
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Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
Collage 391              H u m o u r N e t              23 Mar 1998



First of all, my apologies for the truncated subject line on
Collage 390; it is proof that there is no finite number of idiot
checks that I can write into my software that will ever effectively
solve The Real Problem -- the one between my keyboard and my chair.

*sigh*

The subject line should have read, "More Kiddie Adventures."

Speaking of Collage 390, the piece entitled, "Jack Handy -- Kids'
Redux" is, apparently, ACTUALLY from the Washington Post's "Style
Invitational." (The entry has been corrected in the archives.)

Many thanks to the 12,592 readers who pointed that out to me. I'd
list all your names, except that Sprint and MCI would have to upgrade
their peering routers at MAE-East and MAE-West to handle the added
load. (Seriously, though, I *do* appreciate everyone who writes in
to let me know when a credit has been missed or attributed
incorrectly. I *especially* appreciate those people who realize that
I'm not the one stripping off the credits.)

What amuses me when I receive correspondence on subjects like this
(and just about any other subject, really) is the way that some
subscribers will attempt to come up with something cute just so that
I'll quote them in an opener. This one from Steve in Lindenhurst, New
York (regarding the Style Invitational piece) really had me LOL:

    [...] The first quotation (about going to hell), BTW, was
    originally father to son, rather than brother to brother.

    (Wish I could think of something funny to say so you could
    quote me in the next opener.)

    Regards,
    Steve

Trust me, Steve -- after reading 12,512 copies of "You shouldn't post
copyrighted material without proper credit" (the remaining 80 or so
were less critical of my lack of clairvoyance), THAT was funny.



Speaking of people who find creative methods of getting their
comments posted in Collage openers, Shane in Basel, Switzerland, had
this comment to make in response to my statement in Collage 390 that
I did not have time to write up an opener:

    Hey Vince:

    ...in that case go with the opener -- I love your collages
    and the main reason is because of your openers. :-)

    Jokes are jokes but original humour kicks a**.

    Keep up the good work,
    Shane

Shane is correct: I can't do too many serial Collages without openers,
or you might as well just go subscribe to One Of Those OTHER Humour
Lists (yes, they're out there, but none of THEM has been approved by
the IETF, the IANA, the ASPCA, the NAACP, and the RMXRA, have they?),
and we can't have *that* happening, right? After all, it'd foil my
plans for world domination.

So, I have enlisted the services of a few Guest Moderators from whom
we might be hearing from time to time. (Sorry, this is not a
solicitation, unless you have already paid your Guest Moderator
Application Fee(tm) and filled out the necessary paperwork -- which
is available at any government office.) (I did say *any* government
office.)

One of those in the lineup is Pastor Rus, also known as the Official
HumourNet List Chaplain. Rus has promised to put together a series of
"Sunday Morning Bloopers" for an upcoming God Collage. However, he's
been promising this since last October. With this opener, I hope to
finally guilt (scare?) him into sitting down and making good on that
promise.

In the meantime, you're stuck with me -- and *my* version of the
Sunday Morning Bloopers. This is a little long, but should make
amends for any cases of "Opener Neglect" out there.

"The Last Sacrament"
By Vince Sabio
HumourNet Communications, Ltd.


For this, we rewind the Great Video of Life to the year 1972 ...

That was the year in which I received my Confirmation. Even then, at
the tender age of ten, the roots of my agnosticism were taking hold,
and my participation in the Confirmation ritual was more to satisfy
my parents than to receive a another sacrament. After all, I had
already received Last Rites (within 24 hours of birth -- hence the
justification for my brash and irreverent approach to life), so
anything else was just backfill.

I really wasn't the most devout Confirmation candidate. On a test
just prior to the Great Ritual, I'd stated the seven sacraments as
"baptism, circumcision, communion, confirmation, marriage, divorce,
and last rites." (Had I been a little smarter, I'd have realized that
"marriage" and "last rites" were the same thing.)

It's a wonder that The Nuns didn't chain me to a wall in The Basement.
I've no doubt that they had OTHER children chained up down there; I
could often hear their screams as I walked down the hall to my Sunday
School classroom. I think that The Nuns simply feared me, referred to
me as "Lucifer" behind closed doors, and hoped that I would just go
away forever once I received Confirmation.

They were correct about the "going away" part. Moreover, I'd already
vetted this plan with my parents; their response was, "Just complete
your Confirmation; you can do whatever you like [i.e., stop attending
church] after that." For all I know, they'd even warned The Nuns to
just "sit tight until after Confirmation, and then you won't have to
worry about upgrading the shackles in The Basement to hold him."

And so, we arrived at The Big Day. The Confirmation Mass, itself, was
being held in the "Parish Hall." Now, this warrants some description:
Imagine a huge gymnasium-looking hall with cinderblock walls, row
upon row of folding chairs on the floor, an impressive array of pull-
out bleachers along the rear wall, and a two-story-high dead guy
nailed to the front of the hall. (Do they do this just to frighten
the kids? I'll have them know that it works.)

The Plan(tm) was that the Confirmees would fill the chairs on the
floor -- girls in the group on the left, boys in the group on the
right -- and the parents would lend their approval from the bleachers.

So far, so good. My parents left me in the capable hands of The Nuns
-- assuming that I was, at that point, committed to going through with
this -- and headed down to the Parish Hall to be seated with the other
proud parents.

Meanwhile, The Nuns had come up with a Diabolical Plan: They would
select two Confirmees -- a boy and a girl -- to go up to the front
of the Parish (on cue) and read from the Bible.

For this, they needed two children who were sufficiently, um,
"outspoken" that they wouldn't choke when faced with 500 (I kid you
not) other children and roughly 1000 parents.

I was standing in the lineup, minding my own business and awaiting my
fate, when I heard my name called ... "Vincent Sabio? Please step
forward."

"Uh-oh. I'm *really* in trouble now."

The Nuns explained their Diabolical Plan to me and the girl that
they selected: At their cue, we were to stand up, walk to the
*outside* of our rows (which meant that she and I would be walking
in opposite directions), and then go up front to join His Holiness,
The Guy With The Pointy Hat (a.k.a. the Bishop), who will introduce
us. At that point, we will flip to the passages marked for us, each
read her or his passage (girls before boys), and then return to our
seats.

Sounded simple enough. Heck, I was just relieved that I wasn't headed
for The Basement.

And so 500 children filed down to the Parish Hall to be Confirmed.

As it turned out, I was seated near the center aisle, which meant that
I would have to squeeze past most of the row of boys to my right when
it came time for my fifteen minutes of Sacramental Fame.

I waited. The Guy With The Pointy Hat read from the Bible. He made
strange sounds. He sat. He stood. I waited. Still no cue from The
Nuns. He spoke some more. He read some more. Still I waited. The hours
passed. Days passed. Leaves fell from trees.

And finally, it came -- the cue from The Nuns! It's *SSSSSHOWTIME*.

We now cut to the ParentCam, and view this through the eyes of two
people who know that their young son is already showing signs of,
well, not exactly growing up to be the most pious of citizens. This
is difficult for your typical Italian family to grasp, mind you --
but, in this case, they were simply happy that I was actually going
through with the Confirmation.

Or was I?

Suddenly, in the middle of the Mass, they saw me stand up. Step by
agonizing step, I worked my way down the row toward ... what was that
at the end of the row ... ?

THE EXIT DOORS!

Their first thought was, "Omigosh, he's LEAVING!" How will we ever
explain this? Worse still, what will we say when the other parents
start pointing and saying, "Hey, whose kid is THAT?" (My parents,
being pretty quick, probably would have joined in: "Can you believe
it? That kid just got up and walked out! I'll bet his parents are
mortified....")

I finally made my way to the end of the row. But, rather than continue
to the right and through the exit doors, I did something even worse --
I turned and walked to the front of the Parish Hall ...

"OMIGOD, HE'S NOT SIMPLY WALKING OUT -- HE'S GOING TO *ANNOUNCE* THAT
HE'S LEAVING!"

My parents aged a good deal that day. In fact, I'm just lucky that
there were no precedents in the courts at that time for parents suing
their own children; I'd *still* be working off the judgment against
me.

They finally realized, when The Guy With The Pointy Hat introduced
the two of us (at that point, they'd noticed that there was a girl
involved in this, too), that this was a *planned* event. I've no
doubt that there was some residual concern as to exactly WHAT was
going to come from my mouth when I read my passage, though.

At which point, we cut back to me ...

The Nuns had given us each a slip of paper with the passage from the
Bible that we were to read. It was written in Standard Biblical
Hieroglyphics -- you know, "Luke 5:33." Except that I had no *clue*
what "Luke 5:33" meant. I did, however, recall The Nuns telling us
that our sections would be marked in The Bible.

Well, that should be simple enough ... the girl's section is marked,
and my section is marked. Since she just read her passage, my section
must be the one that isn't currently open.

I looked at The Bible.

It was *huge*. It was high -- I had to stand on my toes just to see
it. I looked closely for something resembling a marker ...

There were approximately 237 markers in The Bible that day. It looked
as if they had marked everything with a page number.

This was ridiculous. After all, it's not like The Guy With The Pointy
Hat couldn't find his place if he needed to; he must read these things
all the time. I, in contrast, was a virtual newbie to this whole Bible
reading thing.

I was completely at a loss. But no bother -- one good quote from the
Bible is as rewarding as any other, right?

I picked a marker at random. Casually flipping to it, I decided that
I would read a few paragraphs and then act like I was finished --
after all, by that point, I might very well be.

I started reading a passage. For all I knew, it might have been
Revelation. In retrospect, I could only hope that it was the passage
that The Guy With The Pointy Hat was planning to read next -- it would
have served him right for presenting me with such a confusing task.

I finished reading, thanked everyone for their attention (after all,
they were clapping in that "aren't they just *adorable*?" manner that
is characteristic of parents at events such as these) and returned to
my seat.

Later in the service, we were called, row by row, to the front of the
Hall to be Confirmed. Kneeling before the two-story-high person who
was nailed to the wall, The Guy With The Pointy Hat stepped before
each of us in turn and asked us a specific question in some foreign
language (most likely Latin, though it could just as easily have been
French or German or Fortran for all I knew), and awaited the standard
response that The Nuns had drilled into each of us.

Except that, when my turn came, I looked up at The Guy With The Pointy
Hat, and realized that he probably hadn't liked my Biblical selection
very much -- he looked as if he was going to damn me to burn in Hell
for an eternity right there in front of 500 other kids.

My mind went immediately and totally blank; I forgot The Standard
Reply that we had rehearsed for weeks in preparation for our moments
of passage.

I quickly searched my memory for the proper phrase, but it was
hopeless. I looked up at His Holiness and managed to squeak out,
"Yes, sir." What the heck -- he'd asked me a question, I might as
well agree to whatever it was.

He repeated something back to me in that same foreign language. It
probably was a curse or an excommunication of some sort. I didn't
care. I returned to my seat, and quietly vowed to never set foot
inside a church ever again. I've no doubt that The Nuns would have
been relieved if they could have heard it; they'd probably have asked
for it in writing.

When the service was over, I found my parents and left as quickly as
I could. They wanted to introduce me to everyone: "Yes, this is the
boy that they selected to read from the Bible" and all that. I wanted
none of it; I was no longer interested in fame.

I just wanted out of there before The Nuns changed their minds about
those shackles in The Basement ...

Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio, HumourNet Communications Ltd.
All Rights Reserved; permission is hereby granted to forward or post
"Hyperbolic God," provided that the by-line (above) and this copyright
statement are included.

(Well, the spectre of another one of THOSE stories should get Pastor
Rus off his butt and writing his own opener. )

And so we come to Collage 391, dedicated to -- you guessed it --
religious humour ...

Tanya in Redwood City, California, starts us off with "Those Damned
Catholics";

Yvonne in Arlington, Virginia, sends a triple-header: "When Life
Begins," "Passing Judgment," and "Perspective";

Karen P. in Colorado Springs, Colorado, brings us "Breaking With
Tradition";

Lenore in Virginia Beach, Virginia, contributes "The Verge";

John W. in Blacksburg, Virginia, takes credit for his "Messages From
God";

Lorraine in Katy, Texas, sends along the "The Survival Guide To
Boring Sermons" (Rus, you might notice several tricks in there that
your parishioners are using);

and Jeff R. in London, U.K., submits the piece, "At Least He Got
Some Nice Presents."

As always, a huge thanks to our contributors! (One of these days,
I'm going to leave that out, just to see if everyone is paying
attention. ;-)

Go in peace ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Those Damned Catholics

A man died and went up to Heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by
St. Peter himself, who took the man by his hand and led him inside.
They started walking down hallways in order to reach their
destination -- the place where the man would enjoy himself until
eternity.

They walked through one hallway, and the man heard singing and
clapping and many loud exclamations of "Hallelujah!" He looked
inquiringly at St. Peter, who said "The Baptists."

In another hallway, he heard the voices of many people, raised in
joyful song, accompanied by a booming organ. St. Peter told him,
"The Lutherans."

They passed through many hallways and many religions. They heard the
chants of the Moslems and the Hindus, the silence of the Buddhists,
and singing and praying from many other sects and religions.

Finally, they reached a large wooden door. St. Peter put a finger to
his lips and whispered, "At this point, you must be deathly quiet.
Please take off your shoes and tiptoe noiselessly." The two tiptoed
through a silent hallway. After passing through another large wooden
door, St. Peter motioned that they could once again talk in normal
tones, and they both put their shoes back on.

"What was _that_?" inquired the man.

"Damned Catholics," said St. Peter. "They think they're the only ones
up here."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: When Life Begins

A minister, a priest and a rabbi were discussing when life begins.
"Those of my faith," said the minister, "believe that life starts
when the heart starts to beat."

"We take a bit of a different view," said the priest, "in that we
believe life starts at the moment of conception."

"Well," said the rabbi, "it is _our_ belief that life starts when
the kids move out and the dog dies."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Passing Judgment

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to
a priest. The man's tie was stained, his collar was plastered with
red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his
torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a
few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked,
"Shay, Father, what caushes arthritish?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked
women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

Having second thoughts about his abrupt manner, the priest nudged
the drunk and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on
so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"Oh, I don't have it, Father. I was jusht reading here that the Pope
does."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Perspective

This couple had a really terrible little kid, Johnny. He was always
fighting and cussing and getting in trouble at school. Finally he
was expelled from public school, so the parents decided to try
private school. They enrolled him in a private boys' school that was
supposed to be wonderful.

Within a week, little Johnny is expelled. The father is so upset he
says, "That does it he's going to military school -- they should be
able to discipline him there!"

Within a week at military school, Johnny is expelled once more.

The only thing left to try is parochial school. The parents take him
to the Catholic school and hope for the best. A week goes by and
there are no problems. The parents are pleased but still wary.
Another week goes by and still no trouble. The parents are happy but
still waiting for the inevitable. More time passes and Johnny gets a
report card on which the nuns have given him good marks for his
behavior.

Johnny's parents are floored. They call him into the room to see
what caused this change. "Do you really like Catholic school?" asks
the mother.

"No," replies little Johnny.

"Then what has caused this turnaround in your behavior?" inquires
his father.

"Well," says Johnny, "on the first day they lined us up and took us
into a big room. Inside, there was a man nailed to a cross. I knew I
had better behave because these guys meant business!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Breaking With Tradition

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding.
When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional
service, they opted for the contemporary version.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate
route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his
pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the
church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the
altar, just as the ceremony was starting.

The pastor glanced over at the groom. "Pull down your pants, son,"
whispered the pastor.

The groom was shocked. "Uh, Reverend, I think I've changed my mind,"
he whispered back, "I'd rather have the traditional service."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Verge

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus's mother's
name?"

One child answered "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus's father's name was?"

A little kid said "The Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The
Verge 'n' Mary."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Messages From God

On my way to work I saw a local Baptist Church marquee that read:
"May every new year find you a better man."

My current pastor claims to have seen the following on Mothers' Day:
"Have a nice day, all you mothers."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Survival Guide to Boring Sermons

Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.

See if a yawn really is contagious.

Slap your neighbor. See if he turns the other cheek. If not, raise
your hand and tell the priest/preacher.

Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.

Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B
and so on through the alphabet.

Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews
ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for
every marble that made it to the front.

Using church notice sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials,
design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes..

Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to
the front, under the pews, without being noticed..

Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory.

Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start
blowing bubbles.

Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.

By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your
shirt around backwards..

Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.

Practice smiling insincerely.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: At Least He Got Some Nice Presents

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.

********************************************************************
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************
Rating: (You must be logged in to vote)

Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
Collage 392              H u m o u r N e t              01 Apr 1998



Due to the rising cost of e-mail and the suspicious lack of unsubs
recently, I am considering increasing the unsubscription fee from
US$5.00 to US$35.00.

Either that, or I might have John Mozena guest moderate again; the
unsubscription fees from his last round in the driver's seat nearly
covered the entire R&D costs for HumourNet's geosynchronous
communications satellite program.

I'm still tossed up whether it'll be a fee increase or John Mozena.

Remember, HumourNet is still -- and will always be -- entirely free
to *join*, and there are no fees whatsoever for remaining on the
list. The only time that you will ever encounter *ANY* fees
whatsoever from this list is if you decide to unsubscribe.

If you are unfamiliar with the unsubscription fee, please refer to
the Welcome message you received when you joined the list. If you
lost your Welcome message, then send the command "get humournet hello"
(without the quotes) to the list server: . A new
Welcome message will be returned to you. (There is a $0.50 fee for
this service.)



Meanwhile, many of you are looking at the dateline on this Collage,
and recalling the joke that I played on the list one year ago today,
in Collage 345. Well, you can rest assured that I would never dream
of doing something like that a second time -- after all, that's just
what you'd be *expecting* me to do.

No, I've decided to mess with a *different* mailing list of mine
this year ...

In the meantime, we have some great practical-joke ideas from the
audience:

Paul in Champlin, Minnesota, starts this one off with "Malpractice";

Mark B., purportedly an educator in the United Kingdom , brings
us a pedagogical double header with "We'd Get Sued For This Today"
and "We'd Get Sued, Take 2";

Pastor Rus, HumourNet's very own Official List Chaplain, reveals his
Dark Side with "We'd Get Sued, Take 3";

Shawn King, moderator of our high-successful-until-the-lawsuits-start
"sister list," Bawdy.Net, brings us another double header with "We'd
Get Sued, Take 4" and "Fun With The Intellectual Proletariat";

JD in NJ -- one of the "Fab Five" original HumourNetters, and an all-
around great guy -- takes credit for contributing some "Good, Clean
Fun";

Jeff in San Jose, California, provides instructions for "Becoming a
Homicide Victim";

Mark D. in London, England, sends along "Call Us If You Don't Receive
This Message";

Matt in Hollywood, Florida, accepts kudos for the first installment
of "We'd Get Sued For These, Too";

and Randy Cassingham, author of "This is True" (see your Welcome
message for subscription instructions), brings us an piece that has
become an annual event, despite making its first appearance on
HumourNet today: "The Annual Internet Cleaning."

It's another "Practical Jokes" Collage, with the usual thanks going
out to our resident practical jokers.

Enjoy! And watch out for those jokes ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Malpractice

Here's a practical joke someone pulled here at the University of
Minnesota. "Boynton" is the campus health service ...

    "Well I put rubber cement on my chest to affix coffee grounds
    for the appearance of chest hair. And I am just wondering if
    you know of a solvent to get it off? I thought I could just
    rub it -- but it's not working."

    -- Norman, to the Boynton Health Nurse over the phone

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: We'd Get Sued For This Today
Apparently by C. Hargrave

Thought I would share the (maybe true) tale from my head. A few
years ago, [they] lined up the whole school by the medical room for
an "injection." The children were then sent into the room one by
one. They argued and were not at all happy about going in. Phone
calls to parents were not allowed.  Once in the room, the children
saw a board with a note, reading:

"Please scream loudly! April Fool!"

They would then exit by the other door and listen to the others
trying to get out of going in!

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: We'd Get Sued, Take 2

We also sent one to ask for 3m of fallopian tubing from the science
prep room. After a short while he came back looking really pleased
with a length of plastic piping that they had given him.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: We'd Get Sued, Take 3

For Wedding Receptions:

Collect a lot of keys from the wedding party/friends WITHOUT the
bride and groom's knowledge. Pass them out to as many women as
possible (swearing them to secrecy). During your speech, announce
the "The bride realizes that the groom has had a lot of girlfriends
over the years. She would appreciate it if any of them who have keys
to his place could please return them."

This is the cue for all the women to bring their keys to the wedding
party table. Try to get a couple of pregnant women in the group and
maybe somebody's grandma.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: We'd Get Sued, Take 4

Possibly by Kevin Klop

I was part of an OS Enhancements group that was building a multi-CPU
testing system. A large number of 300-meg removable disk pack drives
were shared between two CPUs.

As part of our work, we did what are commonly called "Thrash Tests"
wherein you seek back and forth between the outermost cylinder and
the innermost cylinder.

Remember that these are VERY quick drives, and that the heads build
up an hellacious amount of momentum.

There was also a night operator that was:

  a) Universally disliked

  b) Knew almost nothing about computers except how to follow a
     checklist.

We set up a timed job to run at midnight, just about the time this
operator would be starting his backups.

Along comes midnight, and suddenly all the disk drives in the
computer room start thrashing angrily "Chugachugachugachuga," and
rocking back and forth. Eventually they started walking themselves
along the floor.

At the same time, on the operator's console, the screen blanks, and
the following words appear, centered, on the display:

                       "I'm coming to get you."

The operator quit the next day.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Fun With The Intellectual Proletariat

Several years ago, on April Fool's Day, one of the local radio
stations announced that the Shuttle had landed in Vancouver.

[Editor's Note: One of the well-known alternate landing sites for
the Shuttle outside the U.S. ;-) ]

About 1000 people showed up.

It gets better: One guy got [angry] at the radio station because
he got fired!

He told his boss he was going out to the airport to see the Shuttle.

His boss, not exactly a rocket scientist himself, said, "I don't
care if it's landing or not. You go, you're fired." The [idiot] boss
didn't even get the joke!

I was driving somewhere that morning and I heard the "report" of the
Shuttle having to make an emergency landing. I thought, "Ha ha. Very
funny. No one's stupid enough to fall for that."

Sadly, I was mistaken by about a thousand.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Good, Clean Fun

Want to have some fun in the dorm shower? Try this:

Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really
loudly, exclaiming, "Hey! I didn't know I had one of *those*!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Becoming a Homicide Victim

Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if
some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and say,
"Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"

[Editor's Note: The tricky part is that "judge at the Olympics"
step. Once you've got that, I'll bet that the rest of the joke is
pretty easy. ]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Call Us If You Don't Receive This Message

A friend of mine has a nice little scam which he pulls each year on
the 1st April.

He quite often sends people jokes and the like in the form of two
messages -- the first is a question and the second is the answer.
Well, often the answer arrives before the question, so he puts some
text in the answer to tell the readers to not open the message until
they get the question.

On April 1 each year he sends out a message with the subject "Joke
answer: Do not open until you have read the question!" but never
actually sends out the question. Further, he requests a receipt
which is sent automatically when they open the message. This
provides him with a rather neat way of keeping score of how wise
people are. The ones who open it straight away are the savvy ones --
they know that it's a scam and do not wait. The ones who wait a few
days before opening it tend to be a little more embarrassed. But you
would be surprised to hear of the number of people who mail him
weeks later, irately demanding that he send the question again since
they do not want to open the answer until they get the question!

[Editor's Note: I'm not sure if this is a test of savvy or
integrity. ;-) Amusing, nonetheless ... ]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: We'd Get Sued For These, Too

Here's a few practical jokes we pulled at my college (Clearwater
Christian College, in Clearwater, Florida) ...

1) Jim came up with the idea of unscrewing the shower heads and
filling them with the contents of a packet of hot chocolate. (Also
works well with coffee and/or tea bags.)

2) Right before room inspections, Jim also discovered that if
he took an EMPTY (large and preferably Lay's) bag of potato chips,
filled it with shaving cream, slid the open end under the victim's
door, then stomped hard on the other end, pieces of chips and
shaving cream would cover everything. [If anyone attempts to repeat
this, place one foot on the back end of the bag BEFORE you stomp;
otherwise you may blow everything all over yourself, the hall,
etc...]

3) My personal favorite was the old Saran-Wrap the commode. Would do
that 2 or 3 days in a row. After every one was aware what was going
on, and was checking for saran wrap, I'd quit. All were looking for
Saran Wrap, and _nothing_ else. So then, my prank begins: I would
take 2 McDonald's ketchup (and/or mustard, mayo, Taco Bell sauce,
etc...) packages and carefully cut off ONE corner of each so that
there was barely a pinhole-sized opening [slightly larger opening
required with lumpy taco and relish sauces]. Then I'd put one of
these packages under each of the front "feet" of the toilet seats,
hole pointing BACK and IN. Amazingly foul language could be elicited
from "Christian" college students 8^)

[Editor's Note: Matt actually has quite a collection of these; I'll
save the rest for future "Practical Jokes" Collages. Stay tuned!
]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Annual Internet Cleaning

It's that time again!

As many of you know, each year the Internet must be shut down for 24
hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which
eliminates dead email and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows
for a better working and faster Internet.

This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m.. GMT
on April 1 until 12:01 a.m. GMT on April 2 (the time least likely to
interfere with ongoing work). During that 24-hour period, five
powerful Internet search engines situated around the world will
search the Internet and delete any data that they find.

In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you
do the following:

    1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from
    their Internet connections.

    2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from
    the Internet.

    3. Disconnect all disks and hard drives from any connections
    to the Internet.

    4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in
    any way.

We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet
users, and we apologize. However, we are certain that any
inconveniences will be more than made up for by the increased speed
and efficiency of the Internet, once it has been cleared of
electronic flotsam and jetsam.

We thank you for your cooperation.

Kim Dereksen
Network Information Center
Network Solutions, Inc.
Reston, Virginia


********************************************************************
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************
Rating: (You must be logged in to vote)

Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
Collage 393              H u m o u r N e t              12 Apr 1998



First, an apology for Collage 392: When I set about creating an April
Fools Day Collage, I checked my "practical jokes" files, and found
an entire Collage's worth of pretty good April Fools-quality humour
-- already formatted and everything!

Little did I realize that I'd simply forgotten to delete the raw
file from LAST YEAR'S April Fools Collage. *sigh* A good number of
you caught me on that one right away. I wish I could say that it was
just another April Fools Joke -- but it was actually just the
moderator fooling himself. At least I fooled *someone* this year.

Well, I actually fooled quite a number of people ... It never fails
to amaze me how many long-time subscribers can be routinely taken in
by the "unsubscription fee" ruse. This year's Unsubscription Fee
Collage (toward the end of the year) promises to be a real winner.

However, this opener is more of a follow-up to Collage 391 than 392.
You might recall my attempt in Collage 391 to guilt Pastor Rus,
HumourNet's Official List Chaplain, into finally writing his opener
for the list.

Well, it worked. I usually don't run "God Collages" (i.e., religious
humour) nearly back to back, but since Rus has been such a commendable
chaplain, I'm somewhat compelled (euphemism for "contractually
obligated") to run his material right away. Plus, depending upon your
religious persuasion, it's either Passover or Easter this weekend.
(It's neither for me, as I'm not easily persuaded. ;-)

A quick introduction for Rus: Along with being a full-time pastor for
the Gananda Community Church right outside Rochester, New York, Rus is
also my moderator for the net.humour.religion newsgroup on Usenet II
(see for more info on Usenet II). In
addition to Rus's duties as HumourNet's Official List Chaplain, he's
also the official "THIS is TRUE" pastor for Randy Cassingham's list
. Rus recently released a book entitled,
"A Window Of Grace." And if he ever manages to move off his butt ,
Rus also has another book in the works -- this one on (you guessed
it!) religious humour.

And so, without further ado, may I introduce you to Rus Jeffrey, the
Official HumourNet List Chaplain, in the cyberflesh ...



Well, as Vince says, it worked. After reading the opener for Collage
391, I quickly repented and headed straight for my computer to write
an opener. Of course I'm still trying to get a mental image of Vince
actually *reading* the Bible. Who knows, it may even cause
nightmares of some sort.

So here I am, Pastor Rus, finally writing a Guest Moderator piece. As
you read in Collage 391, I've been planning/promising to do this
since October. But the life of a pastor can be pretty full with
tending to the flock and stuff like that. Not to mention the great
demands on my time in the role as "Official HumourNet Chaplain." Hey,
Vince can be a handful at times.

We start off with the question, "Does God have a sense of humor?"
Well, I *certainly* hope so! After all, He did call a guy like me
into ministry. Recently our Praise Band was talking about God and
humor before a service on Sunday. Our keyboard player pointed to
Psalm 2 -- "Heaven-throned God breaks out laughing." (The Message)
Many times I'm sure He looks at me and breaks out laughing. How many
times? Let me describe what we here at HQ HumourNet refer to as
"Sunday Morning Bloopers(tMS)" ...

Let's start with the proverbial slip of the lip. One Sunday morning,
while illustrating the scene of Jesus praying just before His death,
I described three disciples who kept falling asleep when they were
supposed to be praying. They had a case of what I call the "praying
nods." In the midst of the description I said, "Jesus went over to
them, kicked them in the side saying 'Wake up! The flesh is willing
but the spirit is weak!'" Some of the more alert Bible readers in the
congregation were quick to let me know after the service that I had
that backward.

Then there was the day I was preaching about "sexual immorality" from
one of the Apostle Paul's letters. I didn't spend a lot of time on
the subject -- and it's probably a good thing, too. After the
service, a man came up beside me, saying, "So preacher ... was that a
little wishful thinking on your behalf today?"

Looking rather confused I responded, "What are you talking about?"

"It's this way," he explained, "every time you meant to say 'sexual
immorality' you actually said 'sexual immortality.'"

Now I know why all those little old gray-haired ladies looked so
shocked!

0=:-o

Last, but certainly not least, I'll never forget one funeral message
from a few years ago.

The man had lived a long life. I knew his son because he and his
family attended the church. I'd met his dad only once. These are
difficult funerals to do because it's hard to know exactly what to
say. So, when in doubt, I do what any other pastor does when faced
with such a situation: I preached from that great Byrds song, "Turn,
Turn, Turn." You know the one -- come on now, let's all sing it
together:

    For everything, turn, turn, turn,
    There is a season, turn, turn, turn.
    A time to mourn, a time to laugh ...

Well, you get the picture.

Turning to Ecclesiastes 3, I started with words of encouragement,
telling those gathered that life is full of seasons. It was a moving
message and there wasn't a dry eye in the house. Then, coming to the
end of the message I asked the question, "How does one sum up life
from Solomon's words here in Ecclesiastes?"

Preparing to paraphrase Solomon's conclusion at the end of the book
by saying "Live life for God," the entire family (who attended the
church I was appointed to) started laughing! It was all I could do to
keep a straight face. I *knew* what they were thinking: Just a few
weeks prior to the funeral, I'd asked the same question in a Sunday
morning message and that's what they were remembering.

But the version I'd used then was: "Life sucks and then you die."

So, there you have it -- Part One of "Sunday Morning Bloopers(tMS)."
There may be more installments to follow; I guess it all depends on
how much guilt, or how many scare tactics, Vince uses on me in the
future.

[Editor's Comment: Or how much we make on the unsub fees. ;-) ]

Many thanks to our contributors to this Collage:

Cynthia in Denver, Colorado, for "What is Easter?"

Valerie in Mountain View, California, for "Comprehending God."

Rose M. for "Teamwork" (one of Vince's all-time favorites).

Lorraine in Katy, Texas, for "If College Students Had Written The
Bible."

Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado, for "Paybacks Are Hell" and
"Good Deed for the Day."

and Hy in Redundant Beach, California, for an "Audience With The
Pope."

Remember, God does have a sense of humor -- and you can count on this:
Somewhere, sometime and somehow, "Heaven-throned God will break out
laughing." (Psalm 2:4)

Enjoy!

- Pastor Rus
  HumourNet Guest Moderator
  net.humour.religion@humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: What is Easter?

Three intellectually-challenged guys just died and are at the Pearly
Gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates
if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first man, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The man replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when
everybody gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful..."

"WRONG," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second man the
same question, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The second man replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when
we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of
Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second man, shakes his head in disgust, looks
at the third man and asks, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The third man smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye.

"I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that
coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his
disciples were eating at the last supper and He was later deceived
and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans
took Him to be crucified and stabbed Him in the side, made Him wear
a crown of thorns, and hung Him on a cross. He was buried in a
nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder. Every year the
boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees
his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter ..."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Comprehending God

A confused nine-year-old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God
male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both
male and female."

This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

"Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less,

"Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he
triumphantly asks...

"Is God Michael Jackson?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Teamwork

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone
bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that
he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...

"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the
lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays...

"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house
and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house,
and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you
for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just
let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in
order ... "

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and
Joe is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:

"JOE, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE ... BUY A FREAKING TICKET!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: If College Students Had Written The Bible

Top ten ways the Bible would have been different if it had been
written by college students ...

10. Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips

9. Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are
double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.

8. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm
food.

7. Paul's letters to the Romans become Paul's e-Mail to the Romans.

6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

5. The place where the end of the world occurs: Not the Plains of
Armageddon, but Finals Week.

4. Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.

3. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years:
They didn't want to ask directions and look like Freshmen.

2. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the
seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due
and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Paybacks Are Hell

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane
crash over the Atlantic Ocean. They all arrived the Pearly Gates
together.

"Oh! This is terrible!" exclaimed St. Peter. "I know you guys think
that we summoned you here, but this is just one of those
coincidences that happen. We were going to help all of you land once
you got where you were going." St. Peter was fretting. "Your
quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in, but we can't send
you back."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete.
Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't
expecting them and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping
you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days.
I'll owe you one."

Reluctantly, the devil agreed.

Two days later...

"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns."

"What's wrong?" asked St. Peter.

"Well, this Pope guy is forgiving everybody. This Graham fellow is
saving everybody. And this fella Roberts -- he's raising money to
buy a central air conditioning unit ..."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Audience With The Pope

A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on
seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long queue with a rather
expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and
perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Pope made his way slowly down the queue, he walked right past
the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next
to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's
ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard,
the American agreed to pay 1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the
hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the queue, waiting to see the
Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way
slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned
over to the American and spoke softly into his ear ...

"I thought I told you to get lost."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Good Deed for the Day

A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter
says to the guy, "I can't see that you did anything really good in
your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what:
if you can tell me one REALLY good deed that you did, you're in."

So the guy says, "Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of
bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got out my car,
grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the gang's leader -- a
huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with hair
all over his body, and a chain running from his nose to his ear.

"Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed
him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and,
wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, 'You leave this
poor, innocent lady alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged
animals! GO HOME BEFORE I TEACH YOU ALL A LESSON IN PAIN!'"

Impressed, St. Peter says, "Really? When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."

********************************************************************
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************
Rating: (You must be logged in to vote)

Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
Collage 394              H u m o u r N e t              27 Apr 1998



A few Collages ago, I threatened to bring back John Mozena as a guest
moderator to increase the unsubscription rate and thus bring in more
revenue from the Unsubscription Fees(tMS).

Well, an insufficient number of you unsubscribed, so now the rest of
you are stuck with John. Could be worse, though; you could be stuck
with *me* ...

Anyway, let me welcome John Mozena back for his *second* (oh, how
will he ever survive the embarrassment?) HumourNet Guest Moderator
spot.

Enjoy!

- Vince



Well, you've all gone and done it. Not enough of you unsubscribed
when Vince suggested raising the unsubscription fee, so he has
followed through on his threat to have me guest moderate another
Collage. Strap in and hang on, since you can't get out now.

I suppose I'm at least partly to blame for the scarcity of Collages
these days, as I keep on introducing Vince to new areas of the Net
that contain a lower-than-normal quantity of stupid people. Since he
gets a full dose of stupidity in e-mail from some of the more
intellectually-challenged HumourNetters, in addition to the normal
collection of idiots and fools we all deal with in everyday life
(your mileage may vary if you're employed by a government agency),
poor Vince is always looking for the net.equivalent of fresh air,
unencumbered by the bleatings of idiots, fools and AOLers. (Yes, I
know that's redundant and repetitive.)

You've already gotten one example, when Vince mentioned the Hallowed
Cult of Father Darwin Mailing List. We're almost done digesting (in
some cases literally) the last dose of subscribers, so you'll just
have to figure out on your own how to find it. To quote Larry Niven
and Jerry Pournelle, "Think of it as evolution in action."

Another example is Usenet II , where Vince is
the net.humor Czar. This means he's actually got formal permission to
be an utter bastard in the name of humo[u]r. Unfortunately, this
*does* mean he has to give up his amateur status, but he's looking
forward to the endorsements.

I hear any number of prophylactic manufacturers want to use him as a
poster child, for instance. As a warning of what can happen.

So, in a form of penance for turning Vince's attention away from
HumourNet, I bring you a Stupid People Collage.

I spend my free time taunting stupid people. It's easy work, but the
rewards are endless. (In that sense, it's kinda like being a U.S.
Senator.) Plus, you're never lacking for material -- to misquote
SubGenius icon J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, "You know how dumb the average
person is? Well, by definition, half of 'em are dumber than *that*."

Now, I'm not talking about people who just aren't really bright, but
have some common sense and live their lives in recognition of the
fact that they're just not going to ever shake the King of Sweden's
hand or get a telegram from the Pulitzer committee. I'm talking about
people who might have advanced degrees, but never bother to buckle
their seatbelts or vote in elections. To quote a wise and anonymous
man, "Yes, eat the willfully ignorant. Just use good table manners."

If you ask me (and I know you didn't, but it's your fault for
subscribing to this list and then not unsubscribing when the fees
were nearly raised), environmentalists have it all wrong. The biggest
threat to our world isn't the Raymond Burr-sized hole in the ozone
layer, or internal combustion engines, or nuclear waste or even the
Spice Girls. It's stupidity.

[Editor's Note: *Wrong-O*, John. It's the Spice Girls. ]

Stupidity brought us things like Three Mile Island, Chernobyl,
CFC-laden hair spray cans, Michael Jackson and New Jersey. Stupid
people, in addition to the dumb things they do that are merely
annoying, often rise to positions of power from which they can do
dumb things that screw up stuff for the rest of us who are too smart
to, say, build biological weapons, no matter how much we don't like
somebody. (viz. Jesse Helms and Saddam Hussein)

My point (I have one, I swear) is this: As we laugh at the amusing
antics of the stupid people whose tomfoolery is presented below for
your amusement, just remember that somewhere, there's somebody even
stupider than our heroes below who works for the Department of
Energy, the Department of Defense, NASA, the CIA, the EPA, your
town's Department of Sanitation, your child's school, your grocery
store or your accountant's office. And they're trying to help you or
protect you.

Emigrate now.

Credits for today's Collage:

Capt. Chris P, Colorado Springs, Colorado: "Gravity Sucks"

Don M., Chicago, Illinois: "Genetic Defects"

Barbara C. in Adelphi, Maryland: "Shandong, Sichuan, Syrian -- It's
All The Same Thing"

Steve D. in Ashland, Oregon: "Dream Date for Short Men"

Tim O., Chicago, Illinois: "But He'll Be Making $40 Million a Year
Soon"

Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado: "But The Canadians Have Very
Poor Statistics On Taiwan"

Eric W.: "Physics According to Business Majors"

Ted W. in Cincinnati, Ohio: "Adventures of the 'Clue Unencumbered'"

Art M., Pompton Lakes, New Jersey: "Too Bad We Won The War"

Lori B. in Atlanta, Georgia: "Ca-Ka Jones"

Russ R., Corinth, Texas: "Express Math"

Ed C. in El Cerrito, California: "The Importance of Not Being Heard."

Big round of applause for our contributors! Enjoy ...

- John Mozena
  HumourNet Guest Moderator
  moz@mich.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by John Mozena
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Gravity Sucks

The following story comes from the naval safety center commander,
COMNAVSAFECEN, Rear Admiral F.M. DIRREN JR. The incident involved two
civilians employed by the Navy to maintain the grounds of a naval
base.

While he didn't actually climb out on a limb then saw the limb off
behind him, this grounds keeper did the next best thing and got
pretty much the same results. Properly bedecked with all the required
safety gear, our hero leaned his ladder against the offending limb,
then turned to brief his helper on the precise manner in which he
wanted his ladder tended while he performed this delicate surgery.
That completed, he yanked his chainsaw into consciousness, ("BAR-UUM!
BA-DA-BA-DA! BRUUM! BAR-UUM!") and scrambled up the ladder, trailing
oily-blue smoke and noise behind him as he rose.

Once up there, he checked his clearances, made sure there was no one
standing underneath, checked his goggles, checked his gloves,
adjusted his hardhat, checked his ladder-holder one more time, gave
his saw a couple of anticipatory BAR-RUMM! BA-DA-BA'S, then he draped
it across that big old saggy limb and he commenced to wail.

"RA-OOM! RA-OOM! WRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

MY GOODNESS! He laid into that thing with a vengeance and, before you
knew it, a huge piece of that big old limb that had been hanging down
there -- getting in every body's way -- creaked loudly, groaned some,
broke off and crashed gracefully to the ground below. Just, I must
add, as the rest of the branch -- suddenly unburdened of a great deal
of weight -- went "SPROING!" And snapped smartly back to its
previously near-vertical position. Which is to say that it, more or
less, popped itself out from underneath the guy ... with the chain
saw ... on the ladder. And he found himself, more or less, leaning
against the atmosphere which, at an altitude of twelve feet or so,
offers precious little resistance to guys standing on ladders holding
chainsaws.

Well, the ladder went one way and the tree trimmer went another. And
the ladder-holder? Well, he didn't know which way to go so he just
sort of stood there with his mouth open as the ladder landed next to
him and the tree trimmer landed on top of him.

You know, that ladder holder fits my definition of a true friend --
someone you can always count on to be there for you when you're
looking for a place to crash.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Genetic Defects

My son and his girlfriend were watching the news during the Gulf War.
They were showing a clip of a "Smart Bomb" being released from a
plane and traveling straight into the target with the TV camera in
the nose of the bomb picking up everything right up to the point of
impact. Whereupon, she (a blonde of course) turned to my son and
asked, "I wonder how they get the film back?"

He thought this was pretty funny so he told the story to her mother
and brother later that day. Upon finishing the story, he laughed and
was joined by the mother and brother. The brother then asked, "Well!!
How *do* they get the film back?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Shandong, Sichuan, Syrian -- It's All The Same Thing

One of my college classmates was a Muslim engineer from Syria. A
couple of us decided Nuri was culturally deprived because he'd never
had an Easter basket. (Not surprising since Muslims don't celebrate
Easter.) We weren't deterred by that little factoid and put a big
Easter goodie basket together then looked for someone he didn't know
to deliver it while we were in class.

I knew a Nursing student who had a great body so we decided to
embellish the event by having her dress up as a Playboy version of
the Easter bunny. Needless to say, class attendance was perfect that
day. Diane knocked on the door and asked loudly for Nuri. She stepped
through the door just as he walked up. Poor guy looked like he walked
into a glass wall -- his eyes bulged and jaw dropped. Diane hammed it
up and did a cute presentation of the Easter basket while Nuri
struggled to keep his eyes above her shoulders. She concluded by
saying, "Gee, you don't look at all Chinese."

Nuri looked baffled and replied, "Of course not, I'm Syrian."

When I asked her later where the Chinese question came from, she said
she thought Syria was a province in China.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Dream Date for Short Men

I recently walked into a Subway shop here in Chicago, ready for one
of those 12" meatball sandwiches. The dialog went something like
this...

[Editor's Note: In the spirit of Collage 357, "CL" refers to the
"Clue-Challenged" (ClueLess) individual in the exchange. ]

CL: Can I help you?

Me: How about one of those 12 inch meatball subs.

CL: We only serve 6 inch and foot-long subs.

??????? ??????

Me: Okay, how about a foot-long meatball sub then.

After she hands me the sandwich...

[smart-a** mode on]

Me: Wow, that thing must be twice the size of a 6 inch.

CL: Just about.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: But He'll Be Making $40 Million a Year Soon ...

While attending undergrad my cousin took a job as an athletic trainer
for a high school football team.

Notes:
Public School
Public School in Cleveland
Public School in Cleveland on the East Side

Being relatively young, compared to the coaches, the team would
confide their gripes with my cousin. One member of the team
complained that the coach always extended practice 10 minutes longer
than scheduled. My cousin was confused; the coach kept a very tight
schedule and was always on time. My cousin asked the player why he
was upset with the coach.

The player replied, "Coach said the practice would be over at quarter
to six -- but practice never ends until 5:45." My cousin then tried
to explain that quarter to six *is* 5:45. The player replied "Quarter
to six is 25 to six or 5:35." At which point my cousin gave up on the
conversation, not wanting to give a lesson on fractions and time and
measurement.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: But The Canadians Have Very Poor Statistics On Taiwan

I was involved in doing usability testing of a "One Stop Shopping"
for federal statistics Web site that just went public a couple of
weeks ago. (Check it out at !) We're
getting user feedback (would love to have some from any of y'all who
try the site), and some of it is hilarious. But this comment from one
gal in Medicine Hat, Canada, took the prize for me. She said:

    Although I found this page interesting, it wasn't really what
    I was expecting, it is just really a regurgitation of
    statistics. But I suppose I can't expect a ton of information
    from a government page. Also, the statistics that I looked at
    only applied to Americans, I am Canadian. This was probably
    the most disappointing thing on this page.

So let me get this straight: A Web site that advertises itself as a
source of *United States Federal statistics* is disappointing because
(a) it only delivers statistics -- not "information" -- and (b) it's
restricted to the U.S.

Wellll, excuuuuse us for living, Ms. Medicine Hat!!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Physics According to Business Majors

Your little story a couple of collages ago about the friend who drove
*real* slow with his new car to save the miles reminded me of an
incident in college. Traveling eastbound on the Ohio Turnpike, just
past Toledo, we drove past a sign that read:

    NEW YORK

    490 Miles
    789 Kilmoeters

    Via Turnpikes

My friend, a man almost done with his undergraduate studies at a Big
Ten university, looked at me and said, "See, that's why I hope we
never go to the Metric System; it'll take so much longer to get to
places."

I hope he never procreates.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Adventures of the "Clue Unencumbered"

I recently refinanced my auto loan to secure a lower interest rate.
It seemed like a good idea at the time.

After spending 20 minute or so with the helpful management-type from
my bank filling out forms, we had all the paperwork done. At this
point, she told me I should walk the pay-off check down to the
original bank so no more interest would accrue. I said that would be
no problem as the bank was only 3 blocks away. She then informed me
that she could submit the copies of the paperwork to her bank to
forward to the original bank, or I could also take these down the
street with me and the whole thing would be finished. I, being an
efficiency-minded kinda guy, told her I'd take the paperwork with me.



I got to the original bank and sat down with their management-type
(and I use the term loosely). The conversation went something like
this:

ME: I want to pay off my auto loan. I have the check from my home
bank and the paperwork for your files.

CL: You can just take the check to one of the tellers, and we don't
need the paperwork. Your bank will send the copies we need to our
corporate office.

ME: Actually, these are the copies that my bank would be sending. i
just brought then with me.

CL: We don't need those papers here.

ME: I know they don't stay at this branch, but they need to be sent
to your corporate office.

CL: Your bank will send the copies our corporate office needs for
filing.

ME: No, no. These are those copies. There aren't any other copies of
these forms to be forwarded. These are they.

CL: But we don't need those here...

ME: YES, I KNOW THAT. I brought the copies with me so they wouldn't
have to be sent. Your corporate office needs these actual pieces of
paper on file. Here they are.

CL: No, your bank will send our corporate office the copies they need
for filing.

ME: I just have to give this check to the teller?

CL: Yes (please note the friendly, oblivious smile on the
Management-Type's face even at this point)

ME: Thank you.

I then kindly paid the teller, received my receipt, and walked back
to my bank to return the forms so they could be forwarded through
several unnecessary stops to the bank I had just left.

So many idiots, so few comets.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Too Bad We Won The War

I swear this is a true story...

While working a T-Shirt booth at a recent car show in Memphis, I
noticed the cash box was very low on singles. I quickly proceeded to
ask a local food vendor next to our booth for some change. Holding up
a $5 bill, I asked, "Do you have 5 singles for a five?"

The lady behind the counter looked up at me with that 'HUH?!?' look.
I asked again ... only to receive that same blank stare.

The guy working the fryer behind her turned around and said, "You
ain't from around here, are ya?"

(He was right about that. I'm from New York, but what in the world
did that have to do with me getting some change?)

He tapped the lady on her shoulder and said, "He means five ones."
"OOh!" she responded and kindly gave me the change.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Ca-Ka Jones

I loved the recent "DUH award" Collage {Collage 157]. The
F-as-in-Frank story reminded me of a time I was working over the
summer break from law school just for a few weeks before my (unpaid)
clerkship started doing gruntwork for a to-be-left-unnamed worldwide
organization that did all kinds of good deeds and had membership all
over the world. The one thing it didn't do well was hire bright
staff.

I was working in the department that was in charge of handling the
membership records, changing names, and addresses, and updating our
files if someone passed away, etc. The person put in charge of me was
easily Level II Stupid.

So one day we get in this change of address card from someone who
obviously (to me anyway) couldn't remember if she had changed her
name with our organization when she married (or divorced, I guess).
So when she wrote her name, she put "Jane Smith (AKA Jones)" -- only
she inadvertently left out the close parenthesis at the end of Jones,
so it was written "(AKA Jones."

Well, there was widespread panic: What did this mean -- CAKA Jones? I
looked at the card and explained what it was -- parenthesis, Also
Known As, her maiden name, and then a failure to write the close
parenthesis.

No one believed me. Supervisors were called over. The Level II DUH
honoree who was in CHARGE of ME was directed by HER supervisor to
actually call this woman to ask what CAKA Jones meant.

I cringed in embarrassment as I listened to this phone call, and I
didn't even have to make it.

Sigh. Amazing more people don't drown in the rain.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: Going By The Book

Then there is the time that I was 12 years old and tried to get a
public library card, and they said I couldn't because I had no
picture ID. When I said I was TWELVE and therefore could NOT have a
picture ID, they said a credit card bill or tax bill would suffice. I
had some mail and magazines addressed to me, and my bus pass with my
address, but this was not enough. Finally my Dad wrote a letter
swearing I was who I said I was, and that he was my legal and
biological father, and they should issue me a library card before I
resort to a life of crime by stealing books.

And they wonder why kids don't read more.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Express Math

I have no idea which level of stupidity this woman fits into, so I'm
not even going to guess. It's important to remember that this a true
story ...

I was in an unspecified grocery store a few months ago and saw a
short middle-aged woman with a heaping cart, full of one of
everything in the store, walk up to the express lane, which is 1 to
15 items only[1]. She walks up and stands under the sign, leans over
to look up and read it, then looks down at her basket, as though she
were counting. She then looks at the sign again, then at the basket.
Sign ... Basket. I suppose she finished counting everything in the
cart, as she kind of walked off toward the aisles again.

The thing is, the express lane was closed.

[1] Come to think of it, the sign actually reads "1 to 15 items or
less only."

[Editor's Note: She was probably trying to decide if she had less
than 1 to 15 items ... ]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Importance of Not Being Heard

When I was in college at UC Berkeley, I clerked at a liquor store in
South Berkeley. It was prom season, so we were alert for eighteen-
year-olds trying to pass themselves off as twenty-one-year-olds. This
young, gentlemen entered (I immediately thought "seventeen"), his
hair all gooped up, his ruffled prom shirt on, and he selected two
bottles of champagne.

He noticed my tee shirt and asked, "UCSB. Do you go there?"

I replied, "No, my brother gave it to me."

His comment: "I'm going there next year!"

********************************************************************
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us.
********************************************************************
Rating: (You must be logged in to vote)

Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
Collage 395              H u m o u r N e t              07 Jun 1998



I am proud to announce that HumourNet now has an ASSISTANT LISTMOM
(that is, a "list manager") to help me manage the user side of the
list. The new guy is hardly new -- his name is Marc Wolfe, and he
hails from the records management (RECMGT) mailing list. (Few
mailing lists have descriptions that sound even HALF as boring as
"records management" -- but at least they seem to be aware of this
fact.)

Marc has a good deal of list management experience, a good sense of
humour, a sharp wit, a Swiss bank account, and an ability to extort
money from unsuspecting newbies. Thus, he was eminently qualified
for the position. Let's give Marc a welcoming round of applause ...


Okay, that's enough.


So, if you have any questions or problems with your subscription,
please be sure to send your message to ,
*NOT* to the old "listmom" address that is shown in your Welcome
message. (The Welcome message has now been updated to reflect the
new information.) Your message will be distributed to both Listmoms,
who will collect the appropriate fees from you, will continue to just
generally embezzle the entire organization, and will eventually flee
the country with hundreds of millions of dollars in illicit cash
acquired through bogus fees and money laundering.

Hey, at least we're honest about it.

You can get a copy of the updated Welcome message (it contains
several other modifications, as well) by sending:

get humournet hello

... in the subject OR body of a message to the Lyris list server:

lyris@lyris.net

NOTE THAT CONTRIBUTIONS ARE STILL SENT TO !!
Do *not* send contributions to the new address; they will be
ignored, along with all the other mail sent there. ;-)



We're baaaaaack!!

And what a vacation it was! John Mozena's opener in Collage 394
(27 April 98) generated so many unsubscribes that I was able to take
a month-long trip to Tahiti. Would have been longer, but the e-mail
started backing up.

Okay, I've actually been VERY busy for the past few weeks, and have
not had time to put together a Collage. (I feel very strongly that
quality counts for more than quantity. Yes, our quality is low, but
at least it's THERE, which is more than can be said for the rest of
the Internet these days.) (Whoops! Except for www.thisistrue.com,
www.amused.com, www.topfive.com, www.jokeaday.com, www.oraclehumor.com,
and several others who will probably murder me shortly for forgetting
to include them.)

Nevertheless, there have been some significant changes around here
since we last spoke -- not least of which is that my trusty 1990
Subaru Legacy upped and died on me after 220,000 nearly-maintenance-
free miles. I had all forms of insurance coverage for the car --
but, unfortunately, *life* insurance was not one of them. I am now
relegated to car shopping (and didn't even have time for THAT until
more than two weeks had passed following the Official Auto Burial
ceremony).

Even MORE unfortunately, I made the mistake of test-driving a Land
Rover "Discovery." Do you know how much one those things *COSTS*? WOW!
I will need to collect a *LOT* of unsubscription fees before I can
afford even the official plastic model of the vehicle.

The Land Rover salesmen are great, though: "If you have to bargain,
you probably can't afford it. Please go home, young boy; we're trying
to get work done here."

Okay, so the conversation didn't go EXACTLY like that -- more like
this:

Vince: "Wow, these Discoverys are pretty expen$ive!"

Salesman: "Yes. But they ARE about thirty thousand dollars LESS than
the Range Rovers."

Vince: "So's my house."

Salesman: "But did it come with a six-disc CD changer?"

As you can see, I'm no match for the average car salesman. (Also note
that my original translation was pretty close.)

And while I'm off collecting unsubscription fees to finance this new
endeavor, I'd like to remind everyone that (WARNING: Segue) the
original Unsubscription Fee Debacle(tMS) in Collage 290 also spawned
the HumourNet Benefactor program, whereby you can express your
appreciation for all of the work that goes into the new bi-monthly
Collages ;-) by sending a small (or large) cash donation to "The
Seeing Eye" in Morristown, New Jersey:

            The Seeing Eye, Inc.
            ATTN: Rosemary Carroll
            Washington Valley Road
            Morristown NJ USA 07960

(Be sure to state that the donation is being made in the name of
"HumourNet Communications, Ltd." I'd also appreciate it if you would
please let me know when you make such a contribution to the cause --
but note that I am not interested in the amount of the donation).

Just FYI: The Seeing Eye trains dog guides, which help blind people
lead lives that we sighted people consider "normal" (whatever the heck
THAT is supposed to mean). And since we have several blind subscribers
here on HumourNet, I've decided to do a tribute Collage just for them:
A collection of "blind humour."

Now, before anyone goes totally nonlinear on me, you should all take
note of several key points:

1. My blind subscribers have better senses of humour than many of my
"blindness-impaired" subscribers (as will become painfully evident by
the return mail that I will receive from this Collage).

2. The idea for this came about as a result of some rather amusing
blind humour that was sent to me by one of my blind subscribers.

3. Almost all of the humour in today's Collage was submitted by blind
subscribers -- so if you're unhappy about the theme of the Collage,
then go find a blind person and yell at HIM.

4. The blind subscribers with whom I discussed the concept for a
blind-humour Collage were decidedly in favor of the idea.

5. I really need the unsubscription fees in order to finance the
Discovery I'd like to get. Thus, if you are inclined to kvetch and
moan about the theme of this Collage, please just unsubscribe instead.
You will be making a greatly-appreciated contribution the "Buy Vince
A Cool New Car That He Really Doesn't Need" fund. (Thanks!)

In case you are STILL unconvinced that you will fully appreciate the
theme of this Collage, I would like to bring John Mozena back to
Center Stage for a brief moment (plus, he's always good for those
extra unsubscribes when you really need them). In a discussion we
were having several months ago, John mentioned that there should be
simple tests imposed on HumourNet subscribers to ensure that they
are fully qualified to participate in a specific theme or type of
joke. I'll let John pick up the narrative here ...

    The problem is that there's no stick we can use to weed out
    the lusers. Picture it, though:
    
    "You must be at least this
    
      -->
    
    callous to read the following joke."
    
    One can dream.

Well, using John's new metric, you must be at least THIS

                                  -->

callous to read the contents of this Collage. You've been warned.

With that said, let me introduce today's contributors:

Walt S. in Raleigh, North Carolina, starts things off with "The
Adventures of Millicent Quattlebaum" and "Dog Guide Navigation --
Take One";

Mark D. in London, England, follows up with "Dog Guide Navigation
-- Take Two," "Altimeters for the Blind," and "What's Your Name";

Terry G. in Italy brings us "Just Looking Around";

and Pastor Rus in Walworth, New York, finishes up with a likely
urban legend, entitled "More From The Intellectual Proletariat."
(Rus is also HumourNet's Official List Chaplain, and will surely
spend some time in a warm place for his contribution to today's
Collage. ;-)

Speaking of urban legends, Mark in London also brings us piece
which I have decided to name "Beware The Urban Legends"; this
appears as the last piece in the Collage, and is included as an
important public service.

I would like to really, really, sincerely, from the bottom of my
cold, maladjusted little heart, thank my blind subscribers for both
their contributions to our first blind humour Collage *and* for the
remarkable insights that they have given to the blindness-impaired
moderator of this mailing list; they have truly helped me to
understand and appreciate a great deal about their worlds.

Listen and enjoy ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: The Adventures of Millicent Quattlebaum

A true story ...

In a former incarnation, I was the first totally blind person to be
graduated from an accredited Library Science program -- I thought
I'd like to specialize in library services to the blind. Anyhow,
while in school at the University of Pittsburgh, I wrote a nasty
letter to the head of the subject headings section at the Library of
Congress about the fact that at that time, they were still using
"Seeing Eye Dog" as the *only* subject heading for books about dogs
what lead blind folks into puddles, etc. Damned if they didn't
*change* the subject heading as a result of my letter, not to the
suggested "Dog Guides" (I pointed out that "Guide Dog" was just as
much a brand name as "Seeing Eye Dog"), but they *did* change it to
"Guide Dogs."

My cataloging prof, who'd been around the track in that obscure
corner of the library profession for maybe thirty years at the time,
upped my grade one whole letter just for achieving this (to him)
impossible feat.

The lady's name who ran the subject heading section was, so help me
God, Millicent Quattlebaum.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Dog Guide Navigation -- Take One

Here's another great dog guide story -- when I was training, we used
to sit around and swap these things ...

Blind guy gets on to bus with dog guide. Nosy woman asks usual
dumb-shit question, "How does that wonderful dog know where you want
to go?"

Blind guy responds, "Every morning, I tie a map of that day's
travels to his collar."

"There's no map tied to his collar now."

"Goddamn it to hell! Lost again!"

(This actually happened to someone whose word I, possibly naively,
tend to trust.)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Dog Guide Navigation -- Take Two

I'm often asked the question, "How does the dog know where he's
going?"

Well, in homage to the '100 great ways to order a pizza(tMS)," I'm
thinking of starting my own list:

1. He doesn't, I just follow him. Last time I knew where I was must
have been a couple of weeks ago now.

2. He can read maps.

3. He just asks a policeman.

4. Haven't you heard about those new amazing guide cats? Now they
_are_ clever. They know just about everything, so I just tell them
where we're going and the dog just follows the cat.

5. We just talk about it, and once he says he knows, we're off.


6. He's got a GPS system built into his dog tag.

7. Sorry, can't stop, we're trying to shake off the policeman who's
following us.

8. He doesn't. He's only a dog you know.

9. He counts the cracks in the pavement (sidewalk (sic)), which is
why you'll always see his nose pointing down.

10. He doesn't always. Sometimes we do get lost. But then he just
phones for a cab.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Altimeters for the Blind

A blind guy is sitting in a bar talking to his friends about his
recent parachute jump. They were all talking about just how great it
felt to freefall and feel the rush of air.

A guy sitting at the next table overheard the conversation and
leaned over and said, "Excuse me, I can see from your guide dog that
you're blind. If you don't mind my asking, when you're freefalling,
how do you know when to open the chute?"

"Easy", said the blind guy, "When the lead goes slack."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: What's Your Name?

Another 'favourite' of little old dears [Moderator's Note: Blindness-
impaired people. ] is to ask _the dog_ "What's your name then?"

I just stand there and pretend I didn't hear it. I mean, if they've
asked the dog for his name, they would be really disappointed to be
told that he can't actually speak. I wouldn't want to hurt their
feelings, now would I? ;)

If I've had one of 'those' days (funny how blind/disabled people
just aren't supposed to have 'those' days), then I have been known
to reply "He doesn't actually have a name, funnily enough. You know,
they have _so_ many dogs that they just can't get round to giving
them all names. Bit of a shame really, but I think that L1344 is
quite a nifty little reference number, don't you?"

And, strangely enough, this is often the last question they ask
me...

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Just Looking Around

A very elegantly dressed blind woman walks into Harrod's in London
just before Christmas, accompanied by her dog. She pauses in the
clothing department, picks up the dog, tosses him into the air and
begins twirling him around and around at the end of his leash.
After a minute, she lowers him to the floor and proceeds to the next
department -- where she again throws her dog into the air and twirls
him around and around on the end of his leash.

A sales clerk, somewhat taken aback by this behavior, walks over to
her and asks if she requires assistance. "No thank you," she
replies, "I'm just looking around."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More From The Intellectual Proletariat

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it's superior K-9 unit,
was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from
work, a woman had been shocked to find her house ransacked and
burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the
crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9
officer patrolling nearby was first on the scene. As he approached
the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch,
clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to
find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what
do they do? They send a blind policeman!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Beware The Urban Legends

[Moderator's Note: As a public service to my blind subscribers, I am
including this message from Mark in a small effort to increase
awareness of things like the "Lucky" urban legend. Note Mark's words:
"purely fictional tale." ]

As a blind HumourNetter with a guide dog, I am getting a little
tired of hearing on local TV and radio about the world's worst guide
dog. The various versions of this purely fictional tale (or should
that be tail?) are about a dog, usually called 'Lucky', which has
proceeded to drag anything between 3 and 14 (!) owners off train
platforms, under buses, off cliffs, and supposedly killed each one
of them.

Anyway, that's just a rant really, since I heard it _again_ this
morning on the radio ...

********************************************************************
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us.
********************************************************************
Rating: (You must be logged in to vote)

Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
Collage 396              H u m o u r N e t              22 Jun 1998



A Plea ...

Some of you have noticed that our Web site (www.humournet.com) and
FTP site (ftp.humournet.com) are no longer available. Unfortunately,
the server we were on ("Elycion," at the University of Alberta) has
run into some problems, and might be losing its connection to the
'Net.

Thus, HumourNet.com is temporarily homeless. (Note that this is
only the Web and FTP sites, not the mailing list; the list is
hosted on Lyris by the nice folks at Lyris
Technologies, Inc.)

So, here's the deal: I need DNS hosting for humournet.com, plus Web
hosting (about 5 meg), an anonymous FTP site (about 20 meg), two POP
accounts, and about a dozen aliases (primarily used to manage my
Usenet II hierarchy, which has been sadly neglected of late). I'd
prefer a Unix variant (with a shell account ), but will settle
for NT on the condition that it has a dedicated T3 with the first
upstream router at a network peering point (MAE-EAST would be nice,
since it's right down the street from me ;-).

In exchange, you are welcome to a plug (for your hosting service) and
a link on the front page -- and hey, any other pages that you'd like.
Other plugs are possible, too -- such as in the ever-expanding
HumourNet trailer. I wish I could offer more, but there simply is not
a sufficient number of unsubscriptions to generate any meaningful
revenue (despite John Mozena's best efforts (Collage 394)). However,
Pastor Rus(tMS) has offered to bless whatever hosting service agrees
to carry HumourNet. (Warning: Pastors don't generally "bless" things.
As such, Rus is a little out of practice. For example, his most recent
blessing, delivered this past Easter, was for peace between Pakistan
and India. He means well, though. Really, he does.)

If you are interested in putting up with me on a full-time basis
(NOTE: Alan Skelley -- the owner of Elycion, and guy who has had to
put up with me for the past two years -- has offered to talk you out
of this), please drop me a note at .
(Please note the spelling of "HumourNet" there -- if you spell it
"HumorNet", your message will not reach me!)



Most of you noticed that there was no Collage last week. This is
generally not significant, especially on a list in which there has
been only one posting in the past 8 weeks. Nevertheless, the absence
of a Collage WAS significant ...

I was shopping for cosmetics.

There comes a day in every man's life when he is asked the question,
"Would you like to join us at the semi-annual Aramis factory sale?"
Well, maybe not EVERY man -- some, through either birth right or
sheer luck, are somehow spared. But for the rest of you, I have only
three words of advice, should this question ever be presented to you:

KILL YOURSELF *NOW*.

It's that simple. Sure, popping off to the Aramis factory sale might
SOUND like a fun way to kill a Saturday morning -- but, take my word
for it, you would be far better off eviscerating your eyeballs with a
hot fork than shopping for cosmetics with a group of women.

A group of *rabid* women, that is.

Imagine a room filled with cosmetics. Now imagine women in that room.
Women with credit cards and checkbooks. You get the picture.

Do you have ANY idea how long it takes to pick out a lipstick? I
certainly didn't. I do now. Really. In fact, I think I'm pretty well
prepared to work the Clinique counter at the local department store.

Let me sum it up for you this way: Entire political regimes can be
toppled and reconstructed in the amount of time it takes for a woman
to decide between "Desert Rose" and "Glowing Lilac" blush.

And that's just the blush. There's also lipstick, eye shadow, eye
liner, nail polish, hair spray, perfume, and pictures of the babies.
And a whole assortment of other stuff.

Then there are the perfume NAMES. My favorite was "Beautiful After
Midnight." (I'm not making this up!) Doesn't matter what it smelled
like -- the name just seems to conjure up images of a wearer who
might be, uh, "appearance challenged" until right around last call.
(Recommendation for the men in the audience: No matter HOW GOOD you
think this stuff smells, DO NOT, under any circumstances, purchase
it for your significant other.)

I'll spare you the rest of the details; after all, this is a humour
list, not a horror movie. Suffice it to say that, during the weekend
of the NEXT semi-annual Aramis factory sale, there will be a Collage
sent out to the list. I promise.

And, of course, this leads us straight into the next "Relationships"
Collage ...

Karen in Colorado Springs, COlorado, starts us off with "Fidelity and
Ferraris";

a little farther north, Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado, brings
us "'Dear Abby': An Eclectic's Collection";

Sandor in Ft. Belvoir, Virginia, sends along a "Role Model";

Shawn King, moderator of our sister list, Bawdy.Net, sends us a
possible urban legend (but an amusing one, nonetheless), entitled
"Lesson in Practicality";

Warren M. takes credit for sending me the first MSDS for "Man" that
isn't just a whiney rewrite of the "Woman" version (the MSDS for
"Woman" appeared back in Collage 20, and generated LOTS of responses,
most of which were merely repackaged versions of the "Man" version),
entitled "Equal Time";

Nancy C. in Bowmanville, Canada, accepts kudos for "A Breakthrough in
Computer Technology";

and Steve V. in Evansville Indiana (formerly of Lakewood, Colorado)
brings us on that is LONG overdue, known simply as "The Rules." (Note
that most of the material in this Collage was submitted well over a
year ago. Sorry, but it takes a long time for most material to work
its way through the arduous-but-inefficient HumourNet Contribution
Approval And Processing System.)

Huge thanks, as always, to all our contributors. Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Fidelity and Ferraris

There were once these 3 men -- Dave, Ron, and Tim. One day, they
were all involved in a tragic car accident in which all 3 died.

Now, they all stood at the gates of heaven. An angel came up to them
and said, "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation
around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have
your transport chosen accordingly."

The angel looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man! You
cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around
Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."

The angel next looked at Ron and said, "You, were not quite as bad.
But since you cheated on your wife two times, you will forever
travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."

The angel finally looked at Tim, and said, "You, Tim, have set a
fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you
never cheated on your wife! For this, you will travel through heaven
in a Ferrari."

A short time later, Ron and Dave pull up in their cars next to Tim's
Ferrari. There he is, sitting on the bonnet, head in hands, crying.

"What's wrong, Tim?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set
forever! Why so down?"

Tim looked up, with his chipmunk cheeks all puffed out, and ever so
slowly opened his mouth and said ...

"I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: "Dear Abby": An Eclectic's Collection

DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One
is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her
mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never
seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they
could be Lebanese?
CURIOUS

DEAR ABBY: I've been married for six years and have five kids. No
twins. My husband still wants to have sex every night and sometimes
in the morning too. I told him he should get himself a hobby, and he
says that is his hobby.

...I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not
even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

...I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the
pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend
should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to
discuss money with him.

...I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I
confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it
would never happen again.

...Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate
doctor?

...Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

...I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I
get out?

...My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour
every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

...I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank
until one night he came home sober.

...Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little
gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally
did it.

I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the chief petting
officer.

...This is the second marriage for both of us. And when my husband
said "I Will" he knew damn well he couldn't.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month.
I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you
think he'd like?
CAROL
DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible?
KAY
DEAR KAY: Only if they don't work.

DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his
wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature.
Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?
WONDERING
DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late.

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at
the same time?
JAKE
DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous.

DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three
and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions?
ANNIE
DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years,
but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced,
but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any
suggestions?
SAM IN CAL.
DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office.

DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man
my age with no bad habits.
ROSE
DEAR ROSE: So would I.

DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
BESS
DEAR BESS: Night and Day.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Role Model

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when
their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and
it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel.

The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have
a minor problem.

PRIEST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under
the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room.
I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.

SISTER: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the
room.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold.

PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord
would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

PRIEST: You're probably right. Get up and get your own darn blanket.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Lesson in Practicality

A man said his credit card had been stolen -- but he decided not to
report it, because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Equal Time

Man - A Chemical Analysis

Element       : Man
Symbol        : MN1
Quantitative  : Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as
                short as 4 inches.
Discoverer    : Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a
                craving for ribs)
Occurrence    : Found following dual element Wo, often in high
                concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties:
a) Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in
   others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced, melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme
   caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction
   with Wo.
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply
   sensitive to extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with
   polluted form of the Wo common ore.
j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields
   only when subtlety, subterfuge, and/or flattery are applied

Chemical properties:
a) Most forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction
   is possible.
b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under
   extremely favorable conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction
   effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red.
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to
   violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel
   most other elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household
   cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly
   those of the malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Storage:
a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for
   favorable reaction style.

Uses:
a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners
   for Wo.
b) Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests:
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens
   broadcast information on many wavelengths.

Caution:
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other MN1 interferes with
   reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very malleable
   under correct conditions.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: A Breakthrough in Computer Technology

Translated and adapted from soc.culture.russian:

A breakthrough in computer technology has been made by the
representatives of the growing population of female computer
engineers. The new revolutionary processor is based on female logic
and utilizes the following four values for logical operators:

0) neither YES nor NO
1) YES or NO
2) NO three times
3) NO -- and never mention it to me again!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Rules

1. The Female always makes the rules.

2. The Female is NEVER wrong!

3. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior
notification or approval from the Male.

4. No Male can possibly know all of the rules.

5. If the Female suspects that the Male knows all of the rules, she
must immediately change some or all of the rules.

6. In the unlikely event that the Female is wrong, it is because of
a flagrant misunderstanding which is a direct result of something
the Male said or did.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for
causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any time with or without a
reason.

9. The Male can never change his mind without written consent and
approval from the Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time and
for any reason.

11. The Male must be calm at all times unless the Female wants him
to be angry or upset.

12. The Female is NEVER required to let the Male know whether or not
she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. No anger or emotional outburst on the part of the Female may be
blamed on PMS. This will result in swift and extreme retribution.

14. Any attempt to document these rules may result in bodily harm or
death to the Male.

********************************************************************
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us.
********************************************************************
Rating: (You must be logged in to vote)

Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
Collage 397              H u m o u r N e t              20 Jul 1998

Well, I'd hoped to have the new HumourNet Web site and FTP archives
in place before sending out the next Collage, but it's just not going
to happen. I came very close, though -- the new site is in place, and
the archives are all there, I just have some broken links that need
fixing. I'll get to them, I promise.

In the meantime, I owe a great debt of gratitude to Richard Rognlie
of gamerz.net. Rich is a great guy, and a fellow anti-spam activist.
Moreover, he didn't even want any recognition for hosting HumourNet!
Hmmmm ... Come to think of it, Rich might be a lot smarter than I
thought. Well, that's too bad -- if you're going to host HumourNet,
you're just going to have to learn to deal with the stigma. So,
I encourage everyone to kindly drop by our host's site and check it
out; it's an interesting site, especially if you're into games (and
who knows -- if enough of us drop by, maybe we can bring down his
server ;-).

Check it out at .

And, of course, HumourNet's new site -- broken links and all -- is
at . (33% shorter than the old URL!)

And finally, here's an offer for all the struggling Web designers
out there: If you are interested in "making over" HumourNet's Web
site, and getting a plug (not a banner, though, since I don't do
banners) with a link to your site on any/all of the Web pages that
you redesign, drop me a note with a subject of "Web Design." Be sure
to include a small sampling of some Web sites you've already done
(not more than two or three, as that's the most that I'll have time
to look at). Note: I probably will not be able to respond to
messages for about a week and a half, so please be patient.

BTW, if you've never seen the HumourNet Web site, check it out. With
a site like that, I could almost apply to for E.P.A. funding to have
it redesigned.

(FWIW, someone started to redesign the site a couple of years ago;
see for a look at the beta site.)

And speaking of all things Internet, today's Collage is a collection
of Internet humour that has been languishing 'round these parts for
quite a while. The topic is primarily Internet prose and poetry. It's
mostly geek material, though, so be sure to put on your Coke-bottle
glasses before reading it ...

Doug L. in [glowing] Oak Ridge, Tennessee, starts this one off with
an original piece, "To Net Or Not To Net";

George P, an old friend of mine from the Army Research Laboratory in
Adelphi, Maryland, brings us an old one that I swore I'd never run.
Well, you've finally worn me down, so  "Seuss Tech" is making its
long-overdue appearance on HumourNet today.

Kaiti in Alexandria, Virginia, brings us the "Ode to Spammers";

Neil J. at George Mason University in Virginia sends along some more
catchy tunes in the piece, "Songs to Program By";

Eric N. in Canton, Massachusetts, adds another Beatles cover with
"Yesterday";

and Craig L. in Minneapolis, Minnesota, finishes with a flourish
with "Abbott & Costello Meet UNIX."

Huge round of applause to our contributors. And another big "thanks!"
to Rich Rognlie and gamerz.net for hosting the HumourNet Web site
and FTP archive. (In the next Collage, I'll be providing URLs for
some of the other great folks who also offered to host HumourNet.)

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  moderator@humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: To Net Or Not To Net, That Is The...
By D.G. LaVerne

Question: whether 'tis more poss'ble for the
Surfer to take arms 'gainst a sea of bits
And thereby, at one a.m., to get on?
To Net, to dial--and dial, and dial--No more!
And dialing so to get nine "Busy" or
Ten "Scripted Login Failed" the Net's now
Heir to--'tis consummation little to
Be wish'd.
        To Net, to dial. No use! Perchance
To curse at AOL--ay, there's the rub!
For in the dark of three a.m. what luck
Will give, after we've tried from morn' to
Midnight, must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes calumny at one's ISP;
For who would bear the whips and scorn geek friends
Give, the spouse's long, proud contumely, the
Significant Others' delayed response
At law, the insolence of "Connection
Failed" windows spurning one's electronic
Advances, when he might be better off
With a dime-store novel? Who would gates hold up,
To punt one's sweat under a bleary light,
But that the dread of something after dearth
Of undiscovered Web, from whose thrall no
Nerd returns yet cogent, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather keep at bit-born salve
Than fly to Aruba, which we would love?
Our science has made cuckolds of us geeks.
And thus the native bound of resolution
Is sicklied o'er by malicious applets
And enterprises for great jack-pots' wealth
With this regard their current turn awry
And lose their promise post-haste.

(c) Copyright D.G. LaVerne
Reprinted on HumourNet with permission.

Working Title: To C Or Not To C
Also read at "Writers' Block", TN Mtn. Writers' Conf. '97

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Seuss Tech

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Ode to Spammers
By Daniel E. Macks

I do not want your MLMs;
I don't want to see nude teenage femmes.
I do not want psychic advice,
So there's no need to mail me thrice.
I do not like New Jerseyan swearing,
And I don't want the panties you're wearing.

I do not want your Asian chicks;
I don't care about your lame stock picks.
I do not want to see Pam's bod,
Don't care about your views on God.
I don't want calling cards prepaid,
Nor Herbalife's new diet aid.

So, Dave Rhodes, lawyers Seigel and Canter,
And the "I am so great" ranter,
And all you others who have no name--
Whether small-time or of nanae fame:
I do not want to sound too crass,
But I think someone should kick your /dev/null.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Songs to Program By

Title: Eleanor Rigby

Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while....

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk..
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load..

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take
so long?

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Title: Unix Man (Nowhere Man)

He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody..

Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?

UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command. >>
He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me At all?

UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned. >>
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody ...
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody..

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Title: Write in C ("Let it Be")

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C..
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C..

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly..
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C..

If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C..

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C..
BASIC's not the answer..
Write in C..

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C..
Pascal won't quite cut it..
Write in C..

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Title: Something

Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!
Something in the way it core dumps...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow

Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted..
Stepping in the debugger will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now

You're asking me can this code go?
I don't know, I don't know....
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don't know, I don't know....

Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me....
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Title: Yesterday

Yesterday,

All those backups seemed a waste of pay.

Now my database has gone away.

Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,

There's not half the files there used to be,

And there's a milestone

Hanging over me

The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong

What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone

and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,

The need for back-ups seemed so far away.

I knew my data was all here to stay,

Now I believe in yesterday.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Abbott & Costello Meet UNIX

A Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question ...

Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of
a program?

UNIX consul: Yes, that's correct.

Customer: No, what is it?

UNIX consul: Yes.

Customer: So, which is the one?

UNIX consul: No. 'which' is used to find the program.

Customer: Stop this. Who are you?

UNIX consul: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger
yoo' to get information about yoo'.

Customer: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?

UNIX consul: Use 'what'.

Customer: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true?

UNIX consul: No. 'true' gives you 0.

Customer: Which one?

UNIX consul: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'

Customer: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find
it?

UNIX consul: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what
program' to get the revision code.

Customer: I want to find the revision code.

UNIX consul: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what
program'.

Customer: Which command will do what I need?

UNIX consul: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.

Customer: I think I understand. Let me write that.

UNIX consul: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your
system.

Customer: Write what?

UNIX consul: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.

Customer: Cut that out!

UNIX consul: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the
options.

Customer: Do you always do this?

UNIX consul: 'du' will give you disk usage.

Customer: HELP!

UNIX consul: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System
(SCCS).

Customer: You make me angry.

UNIX consul: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname'
when I was upset once.

Customer: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.

UNIX consul: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every
system has 'more'.

Customer: Nice help! I'm confused more now!

UNIX consul: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program,
it is better not to 'nice help' and 'more now' is not allowed but
'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.

Customer: This is almost as confusing as my PC.

UNIX consul: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you
to the Pascal compiler team.

********************************************************************
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us.
********************************************************************
Rating: (You must be logged in to vote)

Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
Collage 398              H u m o u r N e t              02 Aug 1998



Quick notes:

I suffered a disk crash about a week ago, and restored from a 2 July
backup; all mail received for the past few weeks was lost. Thus, if
you sent me an offer to redesign HumourNet's Web interface, please
re-send it. (Nothing else really needs to be re-sent. ;-)

Also, those of you who filter your e-mail will note that several key
addresses in the Collage message header have changed; these changes
should be permanent, and should help the Intellectual Proletariat
more easily recognize which addresses are NOT to be used when writing
to me. (In short, anything with "bounces" in the address is a no-no.)

Longer note ...

In the previous Collage, I announced that HumourNet's Web and FTP
sites are now being hosted by gamerz.net. The decision was not an
easy one, though; there were nearly 300 respondents to my request
for hosting services, and many of the offerors are also providing
top-notch hosting services.

As my way of saying thanks to the brave men and women who looked
humiliation and public outrage square in the eye, and courageously
composed and mailed their bids to host HumourNet, I have offered
to compound their abasement by posting their company names and URLs
to the mailing list. What follows is a partial list; I will post the
rest in the following issue ...

    Interactive Email Games         http://www.zelepress.com

    CBC Computing                   http://www.cbc-computing.com

    Sandwich.Net Internet Services  http://www.sandwich.net

    BRAM Corporation                http://www.bram.net

    Cult of The SHAFT!              http://www.shaftnet.org

    CrayNet Technologies            http://www.craytech.net

    Digital Marketing Online        http://www.digitalmo.com

    Naive offer of a home           http://www.ftech.net/~monark

    Pegasus Web Technologies        http://www.pwebtech.com

    Kingdom of Breckinshire  http://www.angelfire.com/fl/breckinshire

    Mouse Hole Productions Web Site Design and Hosting:
                             http://www.mouseholeproductions.com

    One-stop shopping place for all your CD/DVD Supplies:
                             http://www.cd-supply.com

    And, of course, our host -- gamerz.net: http://www.gamerz.net

Speaking of the HumourNet Web site, all of the links on the new site
should now be fixed and ready to go: .
Enjoy!



As we're all aware, Alan Shepard -- the first American astronaut
-- died on July 22nd, 1998. I happened to be staying at a hotel in
New Jersey at that time, which means that (1) I had nothing to do
with it, and (2) I got to read about it the next morning in that
quintessential hotel newspaper, "USA Today."

Now, I usually like McPa^H^H^H^H USA Today; the lengths of the stories
are comparable to my attention span, and the writing is usually
relatively good (as journalism goes). But when I see reporting such as
that in the Shepard article, I just have to comment on it ...



    "Death Of A Hero: Shepard's Ride Lifted USA Into The Space Age"
    By Paul Hoversten
    Thur., July 23, 1998

    ... His 15-minute suborbital plop aboard Freedom 7 on May 5,
    1961, made Shepard an instant hero as the first American in
    space....

    With a single mission, the 37-year-old Navy lieutenant commander
    threw down a challenge to the Soviet Union, which had put one of
    its own men, Yuri Gagarin, into orbit just 23 days before.

"Threw down a challenge"? WHAT challenge? Perhaps the challenge was,
"No matter WHAT you do, we're going to be RIGHT BEHIND YOU." Or
maybe, "The NEXT time you beat us to the punch, we're going to be
only TWENTY TWO days behind. And then 21, and then 20...."

Yep, I'm sure that the Soviets were sweating inside their beaver caps
just thinking about it.

    ... Shepard's flight was the opening salvo in a tumultuous decade
    that changed forever the way Americans saw themselves and their
    place in the universe.

"Opening salvo"? I guess we somehow failed to notice the heavy
artillery that had pummeled us just three weeks earlier. But at
least it "changed forever the way Americans saw themselves and their
place in the universe"; clearly, the author is referring to "second
place" here.

    ... Had the flight not been a success, Kennedy almost certainly
    would not have pitched the idea of a moon landing in his address
    to Congress 20 days later....

Now THERE'S a radical concept: "If we screw up one more time, well,
then maybe we shouldn't bet the farm just yet on a mission that's
several orders of magnitude more difficult than this one."

    A whole country of little boys in crewcuts were trading cowboy
    hats for space helmets. A generation of little girls aspired to
    heights they never would have dreamed.

What -- you mean becoming astronauts' wives?

    ... Shepard's death means that of 12 moonwalkers, 10 are still
    living.

THIRTEEN moonwalkers -- 11 are still living, and one has gone triple
platinum five times (and set his hair on fire once).



Normally, I'd try to follow this up with a "journalism humour"
Collage; sadly, though, I have no such collection, as nearly
everything that appears in the newspaper could be categorized as
journalism humour -- and the file would grow without bound.

So, instead, I've decided to run some technology-related "Stupid
People" selections ...

Hailing from Winona, Minnesota, Pat starts the fun with "Too Stupid
For My Modem, Take 1";

your beloved (and slightly overworked) HumourNet moderator brings
you the follow-up piece, "Too Stupid For My Modem, Take 2";

Dave in Tempe, Arizona, helps the chronicle the electronically
and encephalographically challenged with "Too Stupid For My Modem,
Take 3";

"Saint" John in Philadelphia takes credit for "The Spams of Wrath";

and Duncan in California finishes with a flourish in "Thank You For
Calling AT&T."

Just be thankful that none of the subjects of today's Collage is you.
(And if it is, I *don't* want to hear about it. ;-)

Huge thanks to our contributors. Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  moderator@humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Too Stupid For My Modem, Take 1

Last weekend I got a letter from another Luminet user that was just
an attached file that was Zipped. I wrote back to say that I wasn't
going to open it unless I knew what it was, since I didn't know him
at all. He wrote back pretty aggrieved to say that it was the text of
a letter to Rush Limbaugh at his Compuserv address that had somehow
gone astray. I deleted it all and forgot about it.

Then this morning the following letter appeared in the paper.

[Editor's Note: All travesties of language were left intact in the
following correspondence. ]

"EMAILERS BEWARE"

Sunday evening, October 6, 1996, I sent an email to Rush Limbaugh
with an address I though was his. This email was the same letter I
sent to my congressmen several months ago. Congressmen like to have
you tell them how you feel about issues. Money morning about 3 am, I
turned on the internet and recalled my email. There were about eight
letters. They were very irate that I sent them unsolicited political
email. Some requested that I remove their address from my address
book. Some said if it was not a mistake, I should be removed from
the internet. I have sent several emails to relatives and friends
before and never had a problem. I use Eudora and Netscape 2.01 tieh
my 486-33mh PC and Windows 3.1.

Who's fault was this? Did I accidentally request multiple mailings
or did the internet goof?

It was very embarrassing. The moral of the story is when you send
email to anybody, due to the complications of internet inter workings,
you may be sending that email to everybody in town or in the country.

Maybe due to the complications of the internet, only licensed and
trained users should have access to the internet.

[Editor's Note: Maybe only those people with IQs over, say, *45*
should have access to the Internet. ]

It took me two months after I recieved my password before I finally
got on the internet.

[Editor's Note: Make that 55. ]

I was really not pushing very hard. I had learned the internet by
trial and error and a few phone calls. Now I realize that snail mail
isn't so bad after all, it goes only where you send it.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Too Stupid For My Modem, Take 2

A few years ago, there was a very amusing "Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide"
piece that was circulating the 'Net. (What appears below is an edited
version; you can see the entire text in Collage 77, which I ran on
HumourNet more than three years ago.)

In November, 1996, the following message was posted to the SPAM-L
(counter-spam) mailing list.

The author was completely serious about it.

I wanted to cry for all humanity.

- Vince

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Date: Wed, 20 Nov 1996 22:43:03 -0500
To: SPAM-L@PEACH.EASE.LSOFT.COM
From:
Subject: WORST SPAM EVER!

I got this via e-mail, and I wanted to share it because it is truly
the worst piece of SPAM ever created. I thought it was a joke until
they asked for money. This is so sleazy, I actually forwarded it to
the Central California FBI Office.

Just a quick note: DHMO (Dihydrogen Monoxide) is WATER.

>Join the Fight to Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!
>
>Do your share to help to rid the world of this dangerous chemical.
>The US Congress has been blinded to the dangers of DHMO by corporate
>and military interests who pollute the environment for their own
>ends. Congress must learn that the American people will not stand by
>and watch the planet be destroyed!
>
>WRITE TO YOUR CONGRESSPERSON TODAY!!!
>
>There is also much that can be done on a local level. Alert your
>local government or newspaper if DHMO is contaminating your area.
>
>Although the Coalition is primarily an American organization, we
>also have supporters in the UK, and are working towards educating
>people in other counties to the global hazards we are facing.
>
>But we need your help! Send your contributions to:
>
>The Coalition to Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide
>211 Pearl St.
>Santa Cruz CA 95060
>
>Picture a world without dihydrogen monoxide!
>
>The Coalition's efforts have been written up in the 5/18/96 issue of
>"The New Scientist", and also in the "Chemical and Engineering
>News," the newsmagazine of the American Chemical Society.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Following this rather amusing "warning" message to SPAM-L, someone
tried (very gently) to set the author straight, informing her that
the entire "Coalition" and supposed "fight" to ban DHMO was just a
prank. Here is her reply:

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Date: Fri, 22 Nov 1996 11:35:45 -0500
To: SPAM-L@PEACH.EASE.LSOFT.COM
From:
Subject: Re: WORST SPAM EVER!

John,

Thanks. As a chem major, it strikes me as sleazy on several levels,
not the least of which is the solicitation for money.

<.sig removed>

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

*sigh*

I really have to wonder whether the FBI field agents are still
laughing about this ...

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Too Stupid For My Modem, Take 3

I was working as a PC support person for a large computer reseller.
I worked in the Sales Department assisting with network issues,
setting up new users, moving people, etc.

They asked me to do an emergency move for one long-time rep. I moved
her computer equipment, hooked everything up and got her into the
network. I tested the modem and the fax machine to make sure
everything was working just fine. I informed her that she was ready
to go and went back to other things.

About an hour later, she tracked me down and informed me that her
modem and fax (both external to the PC) were not working. Confused,
since I had tested them out, I followed her back to her cube -- and,
sure enough, no power to either the fax or the modem.

Crawling under her desk, I noticed that she had moved the power
strip (that these two items were plugged into) from one end of the
cube to the other, so she could plug her fan into it. Upon further
investigation, it seemed this bright lady (natural blonde, or so I'm
told) had plugged her power strip into itself!

I told her if she ever got this "self-generating power strip" to
work, let me know and we'd patent it!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Spams of Wrath
By John Morrison

[Editor's Note: A while back, John Morrison and several of his
friends were having a discussion about spam and how to stop it.
Knowing my strong anti-spam stance, John forwarded the discussion to
me. Edited out for brevity is the set-up by Brian Siano, in which he
recommends trailing known spammers, waiting until opportune moments,
and then "working them over." Note that I do not actually condone
this practice (nor do I condemn it. ;-) Anyway, we start in with a
quote from Noam Chomsky, who -- like Barbra Striesand and many
others -- really should stick to his profession and try to avoid
the political commentary ... ]

    "The Internet is an elite organization. Most of the
    population of the world has never even made a phone call."
      -- Noam Chomsky

I bet you could get a lot of people in on this. Maybe after only one
blockhead got whupped, there'd be all sorts of websites devoted to
discussions about it. Newsgroups -- alt.fiction.CAUCE.violent. Maybe
even an alt.binaries.erotica group; the ONLY one that would be
COMPLETELY FREE from BBS ads plastered across it every six hours.

The top prize, of course, would be zipping Sanford Wallace into a
body bag and whacking him repeatedly with rubber hoses while he was
forced to lie in darkness in a pool of his own filth. Maybe we could
even re-name him "Tonya."

And the best part is that we'd get off scot-free, even if we were
caught. They'd have to go to the Ozarks to find people that haven't
gotten unsolicited eMail, no matter what Professor Chomsky says; and
I can just imagine the jury selection process:

PROSECUTOR: "Potential Juror number 2.60344e7, have you ever
received a piece of unsolicited eMail?"

POTENTIAL JUROR: "Yes."

PROSECUTOR: "Your honor, this juror is unacceptable."

JUDGE: "Well, that does it for New York. Which state comes after
that? Oklahoma?"

POTENTIAL JUROR: "The last time I logged on I had eighty-three
messages from CyberPromotions. If these guys hadn't removed his
kidneys and left him in a bathtub full of ice, I would've."

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: "Your honor, this juror is acceptable to the
defense."

JUDGE: "Hell with this. Just hang his flabby white spamming butt,
give those two guys a pension, and let's all go home."

OVER 26 MILLION POTENTIAL JURORS IN UNISON: "I get to kick the
lever!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Thank You For Calling AT&T

I work for customer service at AT&T, and we often have to deal with the
most confounding questions and responses from customers. Here are a few
taken from a compilation called "Thank You for Calling AT&T."

"Thanks for calling AT&T, this is Londa."
"Who did I Call? LONDON?"
"No, this is Londa."
"WHERE? LONDON, ENGLAND?"

"I've been on hold four months."

"Can you tell me if my calling card is in my wallet?"

"I was trying to abuse my calling card, and it's just not working!"

"So...which adult party line would YOU choose?"

"Is 30% more than 10%?"

"I want you to check my bill to see if I would save money on a
different plan."
"I'd be glad to do that. May I have your area code and phone number?
"You'll have to look it up. It's a non-published number. I don't
give it out."

"I think you're screwing me! I'm going to throw my phone out the
window with me in it!"

"To place a call, you just dial 1-800-OPERATOR."
"How do you spell `operator?' I'm not a math wizard, you know."

"I didn't make those calls...I can't even read or write!"

"Where is area code 900?"

"I want to tell you about this phone I invented. The AT&T operator
was very rude to me--IS THIS SPRINT?"

"Is October before or after November?"

"Hello, can I have the number for AT&T?"

"Is this an average size bill for you?"
"I think so...it's usually around 3 by 5."

"I just dialed a wrong 800 number. Will I be charged?"

"That call is to an adult entertainment line."
"Oh, well, at least he's still interested!"

"I need credit on my bill because my dad died tomorrow and I'm
broke."

"I just dialed this psycho line and it's disconnected!"

"I want to know what I can do about harassing phone calls. These
people are threatening me and my wife, and now they are getting
obscene with my daughter! I don't know who it is ... they always
call collect."

"I want L-O-R-D as my PIN number, but don't use my wife's name as
the card number. It has 666 in the middle."

"Can I put money in this pay phone?"

"No, ma'am, AT&T will not call the police if you don't pay your
bill."

"I lost my checkbook tonight, and I need to cancel my checks."

"Is there anything else I can help you with?"
"Not unless you know any hookers in Rock Hill."

"Hi...I have a sticker on my phone that says, `Call ATT,' so I'm
calling."

"Can you tell me where this 900 number goes?"
"That is a True Confessions line."
"But we're not Catholic!"

"All my calls are within a 20-mile-an-hour radius."

"How can I help you?"
"You can get this dog and cat off of me!!!"

"What countries do you usually call?"
"Germany and New Jersey."

"Can you hold...I have a fire going on in here."

"Zero-zero? I just dial those three numbers? That's all?"

"My boyfriend is in the Forest Service and he's been on fire all
week."

"I want you to freeze my phone bill. I've got permission from God."

"Our Fraud Department will be investigating these calls."
"The Frog Department? Would you spell that?"

"AT&T is responsible for the swastikas on my door yesterday!"

"I'm calling from my condom and I can't get out...did I just say
condom? I meant CONDO!"

"What state do you live in?"
"Taylorsville."

"I'm going to church to see if God can explain my phone bill to me."
"I can explain it to you, ma'am."
"Yeah, but I like His explanations better."

"Can I get your name, please?"
"Who."
"Yours. Can you give me your name, please?"
"Yes ... my name is spelled H-U."

"I was just trying to call 1-800-FUN-COLOR to choose turquoise blue
as my favorite for the new M&M colors, but I got Skylab! The FBI
isn't going to arrest me, are they?"

"I need a number I called recently. It should be on my next bill."
"I'm sorry, sir. Those calls are stored on magnetic tape. We don't
see them until the bill is printed."
"Then go listen to the tape!"
"Sir, those tapes are in a storage facility."
"That's okay. I'll wait."

[Editor's Note: Either he didn't save the little scrap of paper on
which he'd written the number, or his wife washed his pants before
he could put it somewhere safe. ]

********************************************************************
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us.
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Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
Collage 399              H u m o u r N e t              16 Aug 1998

The new iMac is out! Time for everyone to act as if this is a big
deal. Okay, so it's a computer in a quasi-clear case; this is not
exactly the first time anyone has done something like this. What *I*
want to know is if you have to plug it into a clear green plastic UPS
in order to power it up ...

But of course, the staple target around here is Microsoft. (And why
not? They provide endless hours of amusement and entertainment.) Some
of you apparently noticed the following passage in the Welcome message
you received when you joined HumourNet:

    Finally, note that we *do* pick on Microsoft around
    here.... HumourNet is very Unix and Mac oriented.
    Remember, we're just having fun here; there's no need to
    get upset about light-hearted jabs at HQ Wintel(tMS).

And Lindsay in Queensland, Australia, had *this* to say in response:

    Screw the light-hearted jabs; I use, manage, configure and
    program Win 3.1, Win95 & Win NT computers & applications
    every DAY! I want to see you *SLAUGHTER* all Wintel topics
    -- blood, more blood!

Well, Linz, there's really no need for me to slaughter Microsoft;
they are doing an admirable job of it all by themselves. What needs
to be slaughtered are the sheep who continue to *purchase* the cr
-- uh, "stuff," despite all the problems.

Take my Division at work, for example; we just purchased several
copies of Microsoft Project for the program managers. For those of
you who are blissfully ignorant, MS Project is project management,
planning, and scheduling software.

So, let me get this straight: We're supposed to use project-
management software developed by a company that has never delivered
a single project on time in its history? Yeah, this makes sense -- in
a parallel universe, perhaps.

But enough of that; it's time to let the Great Unwashed Masses take
the reins on today's Microsoft Slaughter ...

David Hemming in the United Kingdom starts us off with an original
and amusing piece entitled, "Seven Deadly Sins For Windows";

Jon B. in Phoenix, Arizona, brings us "You Are Not Alone" -- the
true tale of Man vs. The Windows Operating System;

Rich Laniewski (one of the co-moderators for the net.humour.bawdy
newsgroup) in Sandy, Utah, takes credit for another original piece,
"Down Time Pays Off For Windows Users";

Steve Willoughby, owner of the Oracle Humor Mailing List and Web Site
, sent me a personal message that I just
*had* to run, entitled, "MS Barney";

Randy Cassingham, owner of the "This is True" mailing list(s) (see
or your Welcome message for details)
brings us still ANOTHER original piece, "Windows 98 Q&A";

Nick in Kansas City, Missouri, contributes some original thoughts
with "Microsoft's Secret Business Plan";

and Christine in Denver, Colorado, follows up on the "You Make a
Grown Man Cry" piece (in Collage 367) with her comments in "You Make
a Grown Man Cry -- Reprise."

See? I don't have to write anything! When it comes to Microsoft,
there's nothing like the hordes of satisfied Windows users to lead
the charge. Many thanks to each and every one of them.

As Douglas Adams, author of the "Hitchhiker" series, said: "Macintosh
-- we might not get everything right, but at least we knew the century
was going to end."

Enjoy ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  moderator@humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Seven Deadly Sins For Windows
(c) Dave Hemming Aug 1997.
May be circulated electronically providing attribution is retained.
Not to be physically circulated without my prior consent.

           THE CATHOLIC CHURCH
  (A WHOLLY-OWNED SUBSIDIARY OF MICROSOFT PLC)
               PRESENTS

             --- THE ---
            --- SEVEN ---
         --- DEADLY SINS ---
        --- FOR WINDOWS95 ---

Announcing the launch of the latest version of SDS95, a 32-bit
application specifically designed to take advantage of the WINDOWS
'95 operating system. With this unique utility, you can now
experience the thrills and the guilt of violating your sacred
covenant with God without ever leaving your swivel chair!

Just look at these features:

GLUTTONY: Gasp in awe as this module occupies all available memory,
creates a swap file using all free disk space, then crashes with an
out of memory error!

ENVY: Be the envy of all your PC-owning friends for your
cutting-edge operating system, while secretly envying your friends
with Macs!

SLOTH: This feature has been enhanced and updated from previous
versions, and will now slow down your computer by a further 20%!
Plus, with the new TaskEvaluator(tm), many more complex tasks can be
given up on halfway through!

PRIDE: You'll never have seen anything like the opening thirty
screens of this product! Over fifteen minutes of animated
Microsoft(tm) and SDS95(tm) logos interacting on screen! A complete
list of all who worked on the project scrolls repeatedly across the
bottom of the screen! Every major award we could buy the panel of is
listed! You'll want to see it again and again -- which is fine,
because it can't be turned off!

GREED: Due to the complex nature of this product, it may
periodically refuse to run unless you purchase an upgrade. Common
demands are for more disk space, more RAM, more graphics memory or a
faster processor. We recommend opening an account with your local
dealer.

ANGER: If you thought our Support Hotline was bad before, just wait
till you experience our new features!

* Even more annoying on-hold music! Work yourself into a coronary as
"Tie a Yellow Ribbon" for Doorbell and Stylophone repeats for the
seventh time! * Fully circular problem forwarding! Your call will be
passed from department to department, returning to its starting
point without ever repeating an excuse, or saying something
credible! * New VoiceTone system! Sophisticated telecommunications
advances allow us to inject a subtle note of derision into the
voices of even our most helpful operators!

LUST: Due to an overrun on the development schedule, this feature
has had to be held back to a future release. We've got it here in
the office, though, and boy is it hot!!! This feature will currently
refer you back to ANGER and ENVY.

SDS95, developed by The Catholic Church to the exacting standards of
the Microsoft Organisation, with the assistance of David Hemming.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: You Are Not Alone

Man shoots computer in frustration
By The Associated Press

ISSAQUAH, Wash. -- A 43-year-old man was coaxed out of his home by
police after he pulled a gun on his personal computer and shot it
several times, apparently in frustration.

"We don't know if it wouldn't boot up or what," Police Sgt. Keith
Moon said Thursday.

The computer, in a home office on the second floor of the townhouse,
had four bullet holes in the hard drive and one in the monitor,
according to Moon.

One bullet struck a filing cabinet, while another made it through a
wall and into a neighboring unit. No one was injured.

[Editor's Note: It was later confirmed that the machine was, indeed,
a PC running Windoze. Not that anyone was surprised ... ]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Down Time Pays Off For Windows Users
By Rich Laniewski

Redmond, WA -- In a desperate move to improve its corporate image,
troubled software giant Microsoft (NASDAQ: MSFT) announced yesterday
that it would match the charitable move by Apple Corp. (NYSE: AAPL).
Apple has pledged to donate, to three separate charities, US$10.00
for every consumer copy of its newest Macintosh operating system,
Mac OS 8, sold in the U.S.

"We will not merely match Apple's contribution; we will triple their
donation," stated Jerry Irvine, a Microsoft spokesperson. Microsoft
will offer, to any charity that is using Microsoft's "Windows 98"
operating system, US$30.00 for every man-hour lost to operating
system crashes and other Windows-related software bugs.

"We feel that this could potentially be very profitable for
charities that are using the Windows 98 operating system," said
Irvine.

Charities immediately hailed the effort, saying that they may now
finally start to recoup losses stemming from problems associated
with Microsoft's Windows software.

"Glory be to Microsoft," praised Rev. Jimmy Scamwell of the Bible
Belt Baptist Congregation. "Our MIS managers recommended Windows to
us several years ago, and it has proven to be nothing less than the
work of the Dark Angel, himself. But with all the time we spend
rebooting and reinstalling from backups, this offer from Microsoft
could well be the second coming for us!"

Others were not so enthusiastic. According to Harvey Kremwell,
president and CEO of Wall Street investment firm Kops & Kremwell,
Microsoft stands to lose quite a bit in this high-stakes gamble.

"Just look at the down time suffered by the average Windows user,"
says Kremwell. "Multiply that by the number of computers running --
or not running, as the case may be -- Windows 98 software at your
typical charity, and you start to see the magnitude of the problem.
Thirty dollars an hour can really add up when you're running Windows
98."

Kremwell commented that Bill Gates, founder and CEO of Microsoft,
has a net worth of only US$43 billion. "That won't last long with
this deal," said Kremwell.

Still, it may be just what many charities need to improve their
sagging bottom lines -- and their computing environments.

"We've been struggling with the problems of all this Windows
software," said Marjorie Burke, a recently-hired MIS manager for the
United Way charities in Washington, D.C. "We were spending so much
in support that we could not afford to reinvest in better equipment.
But if we can keep close track of all the time we lose from Windows
software, we might eventually be able to purchase some high-end
servers running Mac OS Server -- not NT, of course -- and open our
own ISP."

"Considering the savings these charities will accumulate," said
Irvine, "Microsoft's donation will far outpace that of Apple's."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: MS Barney?

Vince,

Amy and I were in WalMart and we saw this product -- I SWEAR I AM
NOT MAKING THIS UP:

Microsoft Talking Barney.

It was a purple dinosaur plush doll that wouldn't shut up.

If there was ever a stuffed animal begging to be burnt in effigy, is
this not it?

-Steve

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Windows 98 Q&A
By Randy Cassingham

Question: Will the Microsoft vs. the Government, et al., thing
affect the release of Windows 98?

Answer: No. Microsoft is perfectly capable of slipping schedules
without the help of the Justice Department.

Question: Will it actually come out in 1998?

Answer: Yes, it pretty much has to. Like Windows 95, however,
they'll just start selling a buggy beta version and call that the
release.

Question: When will that happen?

Answer: November.

Question: When will I be able to buy a stable version?

Answer: You won't. You will have to buy a new PC to get the newest
version. Think of it as trading in your car when the ash tray gets
full.

Question: Is it true that the million dollar a day fine is "pocket
change" for Microsoft?

Answer: No. Even Bill Gates doesn't carry that much cash in his
pocket. It is, instead, being paid out of Petty Cash.

Question: Is it true that the Internet Explorer is an integral part
of the Win98 operating system and cannot be removed?

Answer: Yes, but only because Microsoft has disabled the "delete"
key on your keyboard, as well as the "Recycle Bin".

Question: Windows is looking more like Macintosh every day. Why
doesn't Apple Computer do something about it?

Answer: They did: they became a subsidiary of Microsoft.

Question: The Intel-based, Microsoft operating system-run PC has
been a mass consumer product for more than 15 years now. When will
I be able to do some work on my computer without it crashing,
getting fatal errors, and seeing periodically corrupted registries?

Answer: As soon as you remove two things from your computer: the
Intel processor and the Microsoft operating system.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: You Make a Grown Man Cry -- Reprise

With regard to the piece on Microsoft's ad agency selecting Mozart's
Confutatis Maledictus for background music on a Microsoft ad -- maybe
they knew *exactly* what they were doing. Perhaps the designer of the
ad was a Windows 95 user....

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Microsoft's Secret Business Plan

Most software comes in three types: freeware, shareware, and payware.
Microsoft has only two: vapourware and bugware.

Microsoft has three types of products:
  Vapourware -- what they promise
  Bugware -- what they deliver,
  Scamware -- expensive classes covering the information excluded from
             the official documentation, with the goal of rendering
             the purchaser/user certifiable.

At least Microsoft is "investing" in one of its R&D groups*. Intel
continues to have the industry at large perform QA on their chips,
while charging for those same parts.

[Editor's Note: (*) The "R&D group" in which Microsoft is investing
is based in Cupertino, California. In a deal between Steve Jobs (a
wholly-owned subsidiary of Microsoft) and Bill Gates (a wholly-
owned subsidiary of Lucifer Investment Partners, Ltd.), Microsoft
invested roughly $150 million in the Cupertino R&D group. Note that
this is the same group that brought you the Windows(tMS) interface.
Okay, I'll stop now. ;-) ]

********************************************************************
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us.
********************************************************************
Rating: (You must be logged in to vote)

Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
Collage 400              H u m o u r N e t              13 Sep 1998



If you responded to my request for assistance with the HumourNet web
site, please note that I have not yet had a chance to reply. I will
hopefully be following up within the next week or so. Huge *thanks!*
to everyone who replied! :-)



Sorry for the long delay, but HQ HumourNet was busy working with the
Office of the Independent Counsel to complete what is now known as
the "Ken Starr Report." (All of the more amusing parts of the report
appear thanks to me. Without HumourNet's participation, the Ken Starr
report would have been about as interesting as the Clarence Thomas
hearings.)

One of the benefits of being the Official Humour Contractor(tMS) for
the Office of the Independent Counsel is that we have been granted
permission by the Office to reprint the Ken Starr Report in its
entirety. But since HumourNet is a family-oriented mailing list, we
have combed the entire Report, word for word, and removed any and all
passages that might be considered offensive by our readers.

And so, we present to you the "Ken Starr Report: The Expurgated
Version" ...

                          Referral to the
              United States House of Representatives
                           pursuant to
              Title 28, United States Code, S-595(c)

                           Submitted by
              The Office of the Independent Counsel
                        September 9, 1998

    As required by Section 595(c) of Title 28 of the United States
    Code, the Office of the Independent Counsel ("OIC" or "Office")
    hereby submits substantial and credible information that
    President William Jefferson Clinton committed acts that may
    constitute grounds for an impeachment.

    The information reveals that President Clinton:

    [SNIP!]

    "... And then he had the cigar in his hand ..."

    [SNIP!]

                          Conclusion

    This Referral is respectfully submitted on the Ninth day of
    September, 1998.

    ______________________________
    Kenneth W. Starr
    Independent Counsel

(We here at HQ HumourNet would like to apologize for the gratuitous
"cigar" reference in the Report. The people responsible for it have
been removed from the OIC contract, and are now writing sitcoms for
the Fox network.)

Okay, so I wasn't *really* contracted by the OIC to add humour to the
Starr Report. (Heck, the Report had enough humour in it without
HumourNet's contribution.) In truth, I downloaded the file from CBS's
Web site. Why is this interesting? Because CBS puts little banner ads
for its shows on every web page. The banner ads rotate -- and when I
arrived at the site, the banner ad that was displayed when I loaded
the "Starr Report" home page was for the show "Touched By An Angel."
On one side, "White House Under Fire: THE STARR REPORT." On the other
side, "Touched By An Angel." Coincidence? YOU decide.

In the interest of fairness, however, I'd also like to summarize the
the White House Counsel's response to the Starr Report:

    "The Office of the Independent Counsel is full of very naughty
    people, and you never should have printed the part about the
    cigar -- but since you did, can we have a copy of the White
    House security videotape?"

    (Paraphrase; not a direct quote.)

And providing the public's perspective on the sordid affairs are the
following HumourNetters ...

Jim Rosenberg, author of "The Daily Monologue," starts us off with
his "White House Asserts New Executive Privileges" (to subscribe to
TDM, send a blank message to );

Jeffrey in Burke, Virginia, sends along another original piece,
cleverly entitled, "The Ken Starr Report";

Leah H. in Jerusalem, Israel, send us the "Top Ten Things Clinton
Will Do After Impeachment";

Walter P. in Ottawa, Canada (the rest of the world is apparently just
as interested in all the sordid details as the Americans are), tries
to "Wag the Dog";

and Anthony B. in Bay Point, California, finishes our quadcentennial
Collage with "Clinton's Address to the Nation."

Huge thanks to our contributors! Enjoy ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  moderator@humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: White House Asserts New Executive Privileges

By Jim Rosenberg, excerpted from "The Daily Monologue"


(WASHINGTON, JRI) - The White House today, in a far-reaching
initiative with constitutional implications, asserted four new
"Executive Privileges" which it claimed were "inherent" in the
Office of the Presidency and could be found in the letter and the
"penumbras" of the United States Constitution:

Right of First Refusal: Under this right, the President controls and
maintains the right of "Pursuit of Happiness" with all employees of
the Executive branch unless explicitly waived.

If Loving You Is Wrong, I Don't Want To Be Right: Under this right,
the President may pursue intimacy with all employees of the
Executive branch without moral or ethical reprisals related to
promiscuity, predatory behavior, or adultery.

Right Of Razorback: Under this right, Presidents who were formerly
political figures from the State of Arkansas enjoy a continuing
privilege to act like hillbillies who ain't got no sense.

Boys Will Be Boys Privilege: Under this right, male Presidents may
claim Hormonal Immunity from doing what comes naturally.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Ken Starr Report
By Jeffrey W Comer -- An original from Grape Press Publishing.

Here is an excerpt of some of the details in the Ken Starr Report to
Congress on the State of Affairs in the Oval Office. In this summary,
we reproduce selected entries from the diaries ...

-------------

LEWINSKY, 3 Jan 1996. Big day! Oh dear diary, we're going to meet
the President today! I am so excited! I wore my purple frock and
beige blush -- hope that he notices me! Oooh I can't wait to tell
Linda!

CLINTON, 3 Jan 1996. Another rough day -- Gingrich keeps kicking my
butt and now Hillary says Chelsea needs more braces! At least I got
to meet the interns today -- numbers 3, 6, 7, and 9 look foxy.

-------------

LEWINSKY, 24 Feb 1996. I think Bill is beginning to notice me. Today
he had me pick up those papers off the floor six times! What a
kidder! He's so cute when he gets mad! I'm pretty sure it's the
Chanel that does it, he goes wild over it. Linda says he's an old
fart but what does she know?

CLINTON, 24 Feb 1996. More paperwork for the Senate Committees.
Goddamn interns can't even carry the stacks around in the right
order! Gotta see Vernon about getting another job for this one....

-------------

LEWINSKY, 15 Apr 1996. Oh dear diary, Bill asked me to stay late
tonight! It was so wonderful -- he just looked deep into my eyes and
said he could see an ocean in there! Oh he is SO romantic! I wanted
to melt on the floor! He told me I looked like Bette Davis only much
younger and sexier. I think he's dreamy!!!!

CLINTON, 15 Apr 1996. Well finally got the returns done. If Hillary
saw her accountant earlier we wouldn't have to go through this mess.
Watched the late game with the Bulls and the Jazz -- Jordan's
awesome! Gotta have him by.

-------------

LEWINSKY, 9 Aug 1996. Dear Diary, I did something very naughty in
the Oval Office tonight! Hee-hee! It was so FUN but I was SCARED!
Bill said nobody had ever done it before so he showed me how -- it
got a little messy at the end and I had to clean up, but by the time
Hillary got there, it was all cool. Bill told me he loves me and
always will. Oh diary, he's a dream come true!

CLINTON, 9 Aug 1996. Another grueling day with Netanyahu and Arafat
-- man those guys are a pain in the a** sometimes. Went to see the
Orioles and the Yankees, hung out with Tom Clancy. Went home,
finished up paper work, went to bed. Memo to Bettie -- have carpet
steam-cleaned this week.

-------------

LEWINSKY, 14 Sep 1996. Brought by silk necktie from Nordstrom's to
Bill. It is so beautiful, but he wasn't there -- had to give it to
Bettie instead. She said she would leave it on the Oval Office desk
like I asked. Oh diary, he's so much of a MAN!

CLINTON, 14 Sep 1996. Watched Arkansas clobber Florida State; stayed
up late eating nachos and cheese with Jessie Jackson Jr -- he really
doesn't look like his dad after all. Found god-awful tie from
Hillary on bed.

-------------

LEWINSKY, 10 Oct 1996. Bill not in again today, somewhere over in
Maryland. I sat in his desk and played "He loves me, he loves me
not" with all his plants. Final score: He loves me, 21; he loves me
not, 4. Oh diary, I am having Linda's friend book us a trip to
"Couples" in Jamaica!

CLINTON, 10 Oct 1996. Had to see some stupid high school project
over in the sticks. This is Al Gore's job, not mine! God I could use
some barbecue and beer right now. On return, found plant pieces all
over oval office; must speak to Bettie about the gardener.

-------------

LEWINSKY, 14 Dec 1996. Bill had me do something WILD with a cigar
tonight! He is SO COOL diary! I never would have thought to do THAT!
I can't say what it was but it was so MUCH FUN! Hee-hee!!! Oh God I
am so embarrassed!

CLINTON, 14 Dec 1996. Finally got those stogies Madeline has been
promising me from Fidel. Nice aroma ... Smoked a few in the study,
then another one out back where the secret service boys can't find
me. That silly intern came by wanting some too.

-------------

LEWINSKY, 21 Dec 1996. Dear Diary, they revoked my White House pass
-- I don't know why? Was it something I said to Bill? I bet that
BITCH did this!!!!! I'll show HER what-for!! Maybe Linda was right,
I gotta go see her tonight.

CLINTON, 21 Dec 1996. Sent interns home for winter. Can't wait to
meet the next batch on Tuesday.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top Ten Things Clinton Will Do After Impeachment

10. Spend more quality time with Chelsea and her thirteen
half-brothers and sisters.

9. A tour of the nation's prisons to improve conditions, visit
friends.

8. Step one: appear on "Oprah." Step two: hug Oprah. Step three: all
is forgiven.

7. Attend UFO conventions, show off preserved bodies of aliens he
smuggled out of the Pentagon.

6. Write book: "The American Presidency: An Oral History."

5. Buy a Hooters franchise.

4. Buy a Burger King franchise.

3. Buy a Hooters franchise.

2. Come to grips with the fact that regular people just can't go
around dropping their shorts.

1. Trash the dump before Gore moves in.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Wag the Dog

The biggest question now facing President Clinton is whether he
should get Steven Spielberg or James Cameron to produce the airstrike
on Iraq.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Clinton's Address to the Nation

Text from Clinton's Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum.
10.16 P.m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998
by Keith Chiles

Good evening.

This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I
was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and
the grand jury.

I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling
physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions
about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now
spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing
that no American citizen would ever want to answer.

Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility
for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am
speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine
Band plays loudly and drowns out the media.

As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about
my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While I, a compulsive liar,
deemed my answers legally accurate, I was not stupid enough to
volunteer any information that might help prove what I did to Paula.

Indeed, I did have a relationship with Ms. Lewinsky that was not
appropriate. In fact, since I got caught, I can see it was wrong. It
constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on
my part to destroy all evidence linking me to the events, for which
I am solely and completely responsible, but for which I refuse to
apologize.

But I told the grand jury today, and I say to you now, that at no
time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence, or to
take any other unlawful action. I was a lawyer before becoming your
President and I know better than to do these things. I have less
important people to do these things whenever I indicate that I would
like to see something go away.

I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave
a false impression, and that is what I intended. How could I know
this thing would spin out of control or that my spin doctors would
be too worn out from the plethora of scandals to be effective.

I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that,
because Hillary is a better lawyer and will clean me out in any
divorce settlement.

I regret misleading my friends because most of them have evidence of
other wrongdoing that may hurt me.

I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a
desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. I
was also very concerned about protecting myself from my family.

The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically
inspired lawsuit about my tendency to expose my private parts to
women, which my lies and obstruction of justice has since caused to
be dismissed, was a consideration, too. I could not allow the truth
to be known until after the statute of limitations expires.

In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent
counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20
years ago. Dealings, I might add, about which an independent federal
agency, staffed with my political appointees and friends, found none
of the evidence of wrongdoing by me, or my wife, over two years ago.

The independent counsel investigation has enough evidence of
wrongdoing on my part to move on to my staff and friends, now into
my private life with interns in the oval office. And now the
investigation itself is under investigation, because my very large
staff of lawyers found a gullible judge who is stupid enough to help
me by requiring the independent counsel to prove he didn't leak the
things that we leaked.

This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent
people, and is getting much to close to the evidence I have worked
so hard to conceal. I call upon all of my friends in the sympathetic
media to join with me in stopping this out-of-control situation
before they get enough evidence to impeach me.

Now, this matter is among me, the two people I love most -- my wife
and our daughter -- and our God. I must put it right, and I am
prepared to do whatever it takes to do so. Even the bombing of
terrorist camps that we have known about for ten years.

Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I
intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's
business but ours, and the focus groups indicated that there were
enough stupid people to believe this nonsense.

Even presidents have private lives with interns in the oval office.
It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the
prying into my sex addiction and get on with our national life.

My stonewalling and lying has caused this country to be distracted
by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my
part in all of this, even though I did it because of Ken Starr. That
is all I can get away with.

Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time -- to move on. We have
important work to do -- new women to seduce, new interns to chase,
and real terrorist camps to bomb.

And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle I have
created for the past seven months by lying to the American People,
to repair the fabric of our national discourse, to return our
attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next
American century, and to help me shut down the independent counsel
before he closes the trap on me in such a manner that I can no
longer lie my way out of this mess.

Thank you for watching and good night.

All Rights Reserved -- e-mail forwarding with copyright notice only.
Hard Copies must be approved in writing.

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Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us.
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Humornet
Posted: 8/26/2000 2:59:12 PM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 2,772
0 Dislikes: 0
Topic: Humor
Collage 423              H u m o u r N e t              18 Mar 2003

For those of you who subscribed sometime after 14 October 2001: Yes,
this is your first HumourNet Collage since you joined the list. At
least you're getting your money's worth (as long as you don't
unsubscribe, that is). Oh, and my apologies if this is a repeat
message for some of you; I'm a little rusty, and botched the first
send. (whoops)

On to the Collage....

As we prepare to go to war against Iraq for the second (and hopefully
last) time, we can only guess that Saddam Hussein is currently hiding
somewhere in Borneo, giving orders via satellite cell phone. We can
also hope that he is eaten by cannibals.

Speaking of hiding, 18 months after September 11th, Osama bin Laden
remains very bravely hidden, demonstrating his own unique form of
leadership. Someone recently asked how he can recruit new volunteers
while he's in hiding. The answer is easy: "72 virgins upon martyrdom."
But why 72? I seem to recall that it was somewhere in the mid-30s
during the last Gulf War. Perhaps it's inflation?

And this whole virgin thing raises a somewhat provocative question
about Muslim terrorists: Are they really THAT insecure about their
sexual skill? Think about it -- they covet virgins such that they're
willing to die for 72 of them. That smacks of insecurity. I'm thinking
that the solution to this whole terrorist problem is sex training for
the men. Perhaps we need to send a diplomatic mission of sex
therapists to the Mid-East; if they're successful, they might bring
about a peaceful solution faster than Hans Blix could have.

But enough about the peace-loving Muslims. There are two other groups
that, historically, are far more entertaining: The United States
Congress and the French. And now we have both of them together, sort
of like chocolate and peanut butter.

Somehow, the U.S. Congress has deluded itself into believing that the
French give a damn what we call French Fries, or French Toast, or even
French kissing, for that matter. I guess this is Congress's
contribution to the war effort, which proves beyond a doubt what we've
known since the Vietnam War: Lawyers should not fight wars. If we
_really_ wanted to tick off the French, we'd rename chili cheese dogs
to "French Dogs." THAT would put them over the top.

Then, in a surprise conciliatory move, the U.S. sent a delegation of
35 Girl Scouts, armed with 250,000 cases of coveted Thin Mints
cookies, to the French Parliament in an attempt to ease tensions
between the two countries. Upon seeing the approaching Girl Scouts,
the French immediately surrendered. The U.N. praised the Girl Scouts
for bringing a quick end to the French-American War, and, in
particular, for preventing the French from destroying their vineyards
and souffle recipes before surrendering. The Girl Scouts are now
selling cookies in an attempt to raise sufficient funding to rebuild
France.

It is not anticipated that the French will ever acknowledge the Girl
Scouts' contributions to their rebuilding. However, the French
Resistance is planning to hold a press conference once the rebuilding
is complete. Stay tuned.

In the meantime, we have a selection of contributions for the War in
Iraq, Version II...

"Distinctly French," comes from Clay in Arlington, Virginia.

"The Complete Military History Of France" was submitted by Charles in
Jamaica, with an assist from Jeanne in Los Angeles (or somewhere close
by).

"Martyrdom" was submitted by Rory in Hoboken, New Jersey.

And "Pattern Recognition," was sent in by The Olde Broad (aka "Mom").

Amusing side note: Following Collage 422, I received several
well-earned death threats from peace-loving Muslims around the world.
Others merely declared a jihad on the HumourNet mailing list,
threatening "mass unsubscribes" (?) from the list. Following the
declaration of jihad, I have noticed a large number of subscriptions
-- most appearing to be automated in some manner -- from several ISPs
in Arab countries. Presumably, once this Collage has posted, all of
the automated subscriptions will summarily unsubscribe, thus sending
an unmistakable message of mass unsubscriptions to the moderator.

But, at $5 per unsubscription, I figure that the joke is on them.

Enjoy....

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  vince@humournet.com

P.S. -- Yes, this is two sequential Collages on world events. I'll
try to select a different topic for the 2004/2005 Collage.
____________________________________________________________________
           Opener (above) Copyright 2003 by Vincent Sabio
   Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
   please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Distinctly French

A rabbit is born blind and is soon orphaned, leaving it without any
identity. One day, our blind, orphaned hero is hopping through the
woods, minding his own rabbit business, when he trips over a snake.

"Oh, I'm sorry," exclaimed the rabbit, "but I am blind and an orphan,
so please forgive my mistake in stepping on you."

"What a coincidence," replied the snake, "for I, too, am a blind
orphan! Perhaps we can help each other."

Excited to find another blind orphan, the rabbit asked the snake what
kind of an animal he was. "I do not know," replied the snake. "What
kind of an animal are you?"

"I don't know either," sighed the rabbit.

At this, the snake offered to try to figure out what kind of animal
the rabbit was. The rabbit agreed, and so the snake slithered around
the rabbit a few times.

"I'm not sure what you are," said the snake. "You're all furry, and
you have big ears and a fuzzy tail ... I'm sorry, I really just don't
know what you are."

So the rabbit offered to try to find out what kind of animal the snake
was. The snake agreed, and so the rabbit pawed him a few times.

"I'm not sure, either," said the rabbit. "You're all slimy and
slithery, you speak with forked tongue, and you have a pretty bad
odor. Come to think of it ... you might be French."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Complete Military History Of France

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an
Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic
who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's
armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but
manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that
eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of
French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French
their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English
colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle
Syndrome," and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France
only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match
for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to
not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein."
Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any
improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States
and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed
with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western
army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces
the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French."
This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians,
Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to
surrender to the Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge
in a McDonald's.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Martyrdom

It's easy to understand why radical, fundamentalist Muslim terrorists
are so quick to martyr themselves. Just look at their lifestyle:

* No premarital sex.

* No booze. None. Never.

* No Spice channel. No Playboy channel. No ESPN.

* No cable TV. No satellite TV.

* No TV.

* No Hooters.

* No Sports-Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

* No organized sports of any kind. That's right -- no sports!

* Women have to be completely covered and wear veils. No thongs.

* No Victoria's Secret stuff.

* Very, very few cars. Camels. Lots of camels. Stinking, filthy camels.

* Sand. *&!$%# sand everywhere.

* More sand.

* Ever try to fish at an oasis? No bass boats. No bass. No fish.

* Sandstorms. More *&!$%# sand everywhere!

* Camel and goat burgers cooked over burning camel-dung chips.

* Toilet tissue considered "decadent, Western." Draw your own
conclusions.

* Constant wailing from next door ... no, wait, that's their music.

* And when you die it's supposed to all get better.

No wonder they volunteer!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Pattern Recognition

To ensure that we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics
intent on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be
allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches
of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper ID,
Secret Service agents who are members of the President's security
detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor
winning former Governors.

Let's pause for a moment to take this simple terrorism history test.
See if you can find a pattern among terrorists events in recent
history....

1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and
massacred by:
   a. Olga Corbitt
   b. Sitting Bull
   c. Arnold Schwartzeneger
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

2. In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
   a. Lost Norwegians
   b. Elvis
   c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

3. During the 1980s, a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon
by:
   a. John Dillinger
   b. The King of Sweden
   c. The Boy Scouts
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

4. In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
   a. A pizza delivery boy
   b. Pee Wee Herman
   c. Geraldo Rivera
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

5. In 1985, the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a
70-year-old American passenger was murdered and bravely thrown
overboard in his wheelchair by:
   a. The Smurfs
   b. Davy Jones
   c. The Little Mermaid
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

6. In 1985, TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a U.S. Navy
diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
   a. Captain Kid
   b. Charles Lindberg
   c. Mother Teresa
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
   a. Scooby Doo
   b. The Tooth Fairy
   c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

8. In 1993, the World Trade Center was bombed by:
   a. Richard Simmons
   b. Grandma Moses
   c. Michael Jordan
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

9. In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
   a. Mr. Rogers
   b. Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
   c. The World Wrestling Federation
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

10. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked. Two were used as
missiles to take out the World Trade Center towers; of the remaining
two, one was crashed into the Pentagon and the other was diverted by
the passengers and crashed in a field in Pennsylvania. That day,
thousands of people were killed by:
   a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
   b. The Supreme Court of Florida
   c. Mr. Bean
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

11. In 2002, the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
   a. Enron
   b. The Lutheran Church
   c. The NFL
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

12. In 2002, reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
   a. Bonny and Clyde
   b. Captain Kangaroo
   c. Billy Graham
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

13. In October, 2002, nearly 200 people were killed when a nightclub
in Bali was bombed by:
   a. Hans Blix
   b. Connie Chung
   c. The Dixie Chicks
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

14. Over the past few decades, thousands of innocent Israeli women,
children, and men have been killed by suicide bombers. These suicide
bombers are typically:
   a. Members of the New York City Fire Department
   b. French
   c. Greenpeace commandos
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

Hmmm, I don't see any pattern here. Do you?

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