Collage 372              H u m o u r N e t              12 Oct 1997



Okay, this is getting out of hand. In Collage 371, I retro-credited
"The Onion," , for two pieces that had
previously run on HumourNet without proper credit. As it turned out
(*sigh*), Collage 371 contained yet *another* piece from The Onion:
"Hillbilly Fission."

PLEASE include the author credit whenever you swipe something from
a Web site, okay? Irresponsible copying and forwarding practices are
leading many top-notch sites (like The Onion) to pull their material
from the Web. Let's clean up our acts, okay?

Preferably BEFORE someone sues *my* butt off, too ...



Sorry that I have not yet had time to pull together the Annual
HumourNet Unsubscription Fee Collage (or, "How do all these people
learn how to eat and breathe?"), but I have something just as good
for you: Another installment of the Stupid Criminal Hall of Shame ...

Today's StupidCam(tMS) takes us to Georgetown County, South Carolina,
where a sixteen-year-old aspiring professional burglar tried to
break into a home through the chimney. Unfortunately for our hero,
all those hours spent watching MTV hadn't done anything for his
figure -- and he became lodged in the chimney.

Enter several angry wasps, who were less than thrilled with our
FIA (Future Idiots of America) member's attempt to block access to
their place of residence. *Several* disciplinary stings later, and
our hero is ready to be caught, extricated, and whisked off to the
local hospital -- where the state is allowed to pay for treatment
while they file charges for breaking and entering.

But it's not his fault! You heard it right -- our boy is innocent,
ladies and gentlemen. He informed the police that he was on the roof
SOLELY so that he could smoke some crack in peace -- and accidentally
dropped his lighter down the chimney while trying to light his crack
pipe.

I'm sure that our FIA member was a wee bit surprised when the local
law enforcement decided to add "possession of narcotics" to the bill.

But that's not all -- no, the StupidCam(tMS) has been pretty busy
lately ...

In Nevada, an armed robber held up a convenience store. The quick-
thinking store clerk asked if he could call his wife, and our
apparently dull-witted hero (of sorts) agreed. Luckily, the woman at
"911" who handled the call didn't take offense at being called
"Honey," and dispatched some of Nevada's finest to the store.

In an interview with the [probably incredulous] media, the criminal
was quoted as saying, "You just can't trust anyone anymore."

Ain't that the truth.

And the final stop for our StupidCam(tMS) is Long Island (Lawnk
Oilant), where a woman accused of breaking into vending machines
and stealing money paid her US$400 bail -- in coins. Only the
best and the brightest for Long Island.

And only the best and the brightest for the subscriber-contributed
portion of tonight's show ...

Lincoln in Fruit Heights (is that a real place?), Utah, kicks off
tonight's festivities with "Footloose and Synapse Free";

Trent in Petersham, Australia, follows through with "Obviously Using
Too Much of His Own Crop" (that's "crop," with an "oh");

Rosemary in London, England, takes credit for "Chronicles of the
Terminally Lazy and Equally Witless";

Justin U. brings us "Chronicles of the Terminally Witless -- Take
Two";

Jim in Los Angeles, California, contributes, "When In Doubt, Call
911";

Terry in Charlotte, North Carolina, sends along "Is This a Holdup Or
Are You Just Happy to See Me";

Louisa in Mansfield, Nottinghamshire, England, accepts kudos for the
piece entitled, "Damned Amateurs";

Curt in Portland, Oregon, contributes "The Food Isn't THAT Bad";

and Lenore in Virginia Beach, Virginia, closes this one out with a
great piece entitled, "Pointers for the Aspiring Criminal." (Now,
from just *looking* at this piece, I've no doubt that someone --
not Lenore, however -- failed to provide due credit on it. If you
know of the proper credit for the piece, please send it to me so
that I can retro-credit the piece in the archives. Thanks!)

As always, a big round of applause for our contributors!

Enjoy! And be glad that you're not featured in any of these....
(You're not, are you?)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Footloose and Synapse Free

A recent event reported on the Salt Lake City TV news stations tells
the sad tale of a man needing to find a new vocation.

Sunday, February 2, a man stole a car from in front of an apartment
building. During his get-away, the suspect came upon three buddies
on their way to go hunting. The suspect stopped and pretending to
have a gun got $10 from the first hunter, and an 'I can't find my
wallet' dodge from the second. The third hunter was waiting for his
turn, with his hand gun drawn on the suspect, who fled back to the
stolen car. The hunters called police with a description of the car
and license plate number.

Minutes later, the suspect was found by police in a seedy section of
town attempting to buy drugs. Spotting the approaching police, the
suspect jumped into the car and began a two-block chase which ended
in an occupied rail crossing. Abandoning the car, the suspect tried
to jump between two slow-moving rail cars. Our unfortunate thief
slipped and fell between cars, losing a foot under the wheels of the
train.

The TV stations were clear to close the story with the following
fact: Two years ago the suspect lost his *other* foot when he
accidentally blew it off with a recently-stolen hunting rifle.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Obviously Using Too Much of His Own Crop

There was an item on the news a few months ago about a guy who was
arrested for growing marijuana. Now here comes his expression of
absolute stupidity: He got caught by sending an entry in to
Australia's Funniest Home Videos of him inviting people to inspect
his crop -- complete with his address name and home phone number.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Chronicles of the Terminally Lazy and Equally Witless

Written by Paul Sussman and published in "The Big Issue"

MAD WORLD: Thieves have been displaying even greater obtuseness than
that with which they are generally associated ...

In Ealing, West London, a man robbed the bank next door to his own
house. "I didn't have a getaway car," he explained, "so I needed
something within walking distance."

Equally witless were the actions of American burglar Waylon
Prendergast, who committed a spur-of-the-moment robbery while on his
way home from a late-night drinking session. An inebriated Mr
Prendergast, 37, of Tampa, had forced his way into the house through
an open upstairs window, duly filling a suitcase with cash and
valuables before setting the living room on fire to cover his
tracks. He then escaped through the back door and made his way home,
chuckling all the way. Only as he turned the corner into his own
street, however, and discovered three fire engines outside his
house, did he realise that in his drunkenness he had, in fact,
burgled and ignited his own property. "I had no idea I had so many
valuable possessions", said the chastened crook.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Chronicles of the Terminally Witless -- Take Two
Excerpted from the Toronto Star

PETERBOROUGH, Canada -- Gerald Dixon, 26, of Oshawa walked into a
Bank of Montreal branch and, claiming he was armed with a gun,
robbed $2,600 (Canadian). He was arrested the same day when he
returned to the same branch and attempted to make a $2,000 cash
deposit.

Dixon was found guilty and sentenced to six and a half years in prison.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: When In Doubt, Call 911

REDONDO BEACH (CNS) -- When there's trouble, everybody needs the cops
-- even a would-be burglar.

Redondo Beach police Capt. Jeff Cameron said the story unfolded like
this earlier today:

Somebody saw a man, later identified as 35-year-old Larry Scott
Bell, trying door handles on cars and trucks parked in the 2700
block of Rockefeller Lane today.

At one point, the suspect picked up a concrete utility meter cover
and tried to smash out the rear window of a van. He should have
checked first.

Keith Dennis Brumm, 55, was sitting inside the van and holding a
.38- caliber revolver.

"Stop or I'll shoot," the Redondo Beach resident told the mortified
-- then terrified -- malefactor.

Bell did stop for a moment. Then he ran to a Mobil gasoline station
at Artesia Boulevard and Inglewood Avenue.

"Call the police!" he yelled.

The cops showed up a few minutes later and took Bell into custody,
after several witnesses identified him as the man they had seen
trying to break into vehicles. He was taken to the city jail, booked
and held on $15,000 bail.

Cameron was philosophical about the turnabout tale. "We don't make
this stuff up," he said.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Is This a Holdup Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
Excerpted from , "What's Up" section

"Zucchini Bandit Busted"

The Zucchini Bandit drew 18 years to life in prison for a holdup
with a concealed vegetable. Carlos Diaz, 29, was convicted of
robbing a man of $20 and a watch by pretending a zucchini hidden
under his jacket was a gun. Defense attorney Steven Silberblatt had
argued that Diaz was innocently shopping for vegetables.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Damned Amateurs
Excerpted from the Daily Mirror, 4 June 1997

A bungling burglar took a taxi to flee from a break-in -- and left a
stolen TV on the back seat.

When the cabbie took the set to police, they realised it was from a
raid and the burglar was arrested a few hours later.

Newcastle Crown Court was told in defence that "This offence lacked
all the hallmarks of professionalism".

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Food Isn't THAT Bad

"Two Arrested For Fast Food Toilet Theft"

BUENOS AIRES (Reuter) - Two Argentine men were arrested Tuesday
after trying to escape on a motor scooter with a toilet they had
stolen from a hamburger restaurant.

The two -- aged 22 and 20 -- entered a fast food outlet in the
northern Argentine city of Resistencia and asked to use the toilet,
which they then wrenched out and ran off with, said police quoted by
the official Telam news agency.

They jumped onto their scooter and were pursued for several blocks
before police caught them and were able to return the toilet to its
rightful owners.

It was unclear what they wanted to do with the toilet.

[Editor's Note: This one almost went into the "Stupid Journalism"
pile (though, surprisingly, I don't have one). "It was unclear what
they wanted to do with the toilet." How many different uses are
there for a toilet? Well, outside of West Virginia -- where they
make fine front-yard planters for perennials. Investigative
journalism at its best. ]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Pointers for the Aspiring Criminal

It has become commonplace to read in our newspapers of a crime
somewhere in America amusingly bungled by the criminal's ineptitude.
Droll though these news items may be, they reflect an overlooked
cost of our current national crisis in education. The basic
learning skills of criminals have deteriorated to a shocking degree.

Consider the following:

  o A bank robber in Bumpus, Tenn., handed a teller the following
    note: "Watch out. This is a rubbery. I hav an oozy traned on
    your but. Dump the in a sack, this one. No die packkets or other
    triks or I will tare you a new naval. No kwarter with red stuff
    on them, too."

Dr. Creon V.B. Smyk of the Ohio Valley Educational Council says such
notes are, lamentably, the rule. "Right across the board, we see
poor pre-writing skills, problems with omissions, tense, agreement,
spelling and clarity," he moaned.

Smyk believes that the quality of robbery notes could be improved if
criminals could be taught to plan before writing. "We have to stress
organization: Make an outline of your robbery note before you write
it," he said. "Some of the notes get totally sidetracked on issues
like the make, model and caliber of the gun, number of bullets,
etc., until one loses sight of the main idea -- the robbery."

  o In Bent Forks, Ill., kidnapers of ice-cube magnate Worth
    Bohnke sent a photograph of their captive to Bohnke's family.
    Bohnke was seen holding up a newspaper. It was not that day's
    edition and, in fact, bore a prominent headline relating to
    Nixon's trip to China. This was pointed out to the kidnapers in
    a subsequent phone call. They responded by sending a new
    photograph showing an up-to-date newspaper. Bohnke, however, did
    not appear in the picture. When this, too, was refused, the
    kidnapers became peevish and insisted that a photograph be sent
    to them showing all the people over at Bohnke's house holding
    different issues of _Success_ magazine. They provided a mailing
    address and were immediately apprehended. They later admitted to
    FBI agents they did not understand the principle involved in the
    photograph/newspaper concept. "We thought it was just some kind
    of tradition," said one.

Educators agree that such mix-ups point to poor reasoning and
comprehension skills, ignorance of current events, and failure to
complete work in the time allotted.

  o Burglars in Larch Barrens, Md., tried to cut through a safe
    using a Lazer Tag gun.
    
  o Industrial thieves broke into the Bilgetek plant in Canasta,
    Wash., by crossing a metal catwalk and then blew it up, having
    forgotten it was their only means of escape.
    
  o Rustlers in Spavin, N.D., made off with three Saint Bernard
    dogs, a stationary bicycle and the visiting in-laws of a farmer,
    after having failed to correctly identify the valuable cattle on
    the premises.

"No problem-solving abilities, no communication skills, no 'plays
and relates well with others,' no nothing," FBI regional director J.
Paine Bloomey said, reviewing the state of modern criminality. "We
are talking plain, flat-out, hard-boiled, stupid as pea turkeys." By
contrast, Japanese criminals score in the range 10 to 15 points
higher than their American counterparts in basic skills tests. In
the Japanese underworld, it is considered a matter of honor to
execute a thoughtful, grammatical, error-free crime.

Still, experts such as Smyk stop short of demanding a total overhaul
of the educational system. "For all their acumen," he says,
"Japanese criminals wind up sacrificing a lot of the joie de vivre
you see in our guys."

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