Collage 387              H u m o u r N e t              22 Feb 1998

I realize that there has been something of an unplanned hiatus here
at HumourNet, but the response to Collage 386 (forever to be known
as the "Darwin Collage") has been tremendous. In one week, the Darwin
mailing list grew by a factor of five or so; two weeks after I sent
the Collage, I had to remove the autoresponder that was providing
the subscription instructions.

The fallout from the Darwin Collage, coupled with the problems at
MAE-West for a week or so, have kept us busy here at HQ HumourNet.

But not so busy that we haven't been able to keep a wary eye on our
wily leader, and his proclivity for peccadillos.

Nor has the rest of the world. Prameet in Singapore sent me a
"ForniGate" (as the New York Times refers to it) contribution, along
with the question, "What does 'gate' mean?"

Ah, good question, Prameet. In English, "gate" means many things: For
example, as a noun, it refers to a structure that blocks an entrance
or a passageway; as a verb, it refers to the action of selectively
passing or blocking information (much a man's auditory nerve gates
certain sounds -- like "mow the lawn" or "take out the trash").

But in *politics*, "Gate" is used as a suffix, and is probably the
single most feared word in the entire political community. The term
originated with WaterGate -- the name of the hotel ("Watergate") in
which some of Richard Nixon's cronies were caught Doing Bad Things.
Since then, we've seen "Gates" such as ContraGate, White-WaterGate,
and TravelGate. (And now "ForniGate"; however, since the NY Times
has patented ForniGate, I will have to use my own term: "GarterGate."
Sounds seedier, anyway.)

In short, the suffix "Gate" refers to being caught someplace where
you do not belong. For example:

   Political Figure   "Gate"         Was caught inside of
   ----------------   ----------     -----------------------------

   Richard Nixon      WaterGate      the headquarters of the
                                     Democratic National Convention

   Oliver North       ContraGate     shady arms deals

   Hillary Clinton    TravelGate     questionable hiring & firing
                                     practices at the White House

   Hillary and        White-Water-   shady land deals
   Bill Clinton       Gate

   Bill Clinton       GarterGate     Monica Lewinsky

See how simple it is?

Anyway, to help celebrate the occasion, I am offering this special
"GarterGate" Collage -- complete with the latest in GarterGate
technology!

Cary Seals starts us off with an awesome rendition of "Gilligan's
Island," reworded as "Slick Willie's Place";

Jonathan in New York City brings us "Clinton Q&A" (sit down, Shawn;
that's a "Q," not a "T"), "Survey Says," and the hysterical "Political
Game Show";

Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado, sends along "Clinton and the
Pope";

Ahuva in Jerusalem, Israel, submits "Bill Approval" and "More Clinton
Q&A";

and Hy in Redondo Beach, California, contributes "The Top 14 Nicknames
for the President's Member" and "Command Decision."

A huge thanks to our contributors, as always. (Oh, and a warning:
Given the subject matter, those of you who are easily offended might
not want to proceed any further. The next Collage is looking like it
will probably be a long-overdue "Geeks" collection, so wait for that.)

That's it for GarterGate. Stay tuned until the next installment, when
we review the upcoming (cough) movie, "Bill Clinton Does The White
House" -- soon to be a minor motion picture!

Enjoy! It's what Bill would have wanted ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Slick Willie's Place
By Cary Seals

(Sung, if possible, to the tune of Gilligan's Island)

Oh sit right back and you'll hear a tale
A tale of a fateful trip
That started in Hope, Arkansas
'Tween Jennifer Flowers' hips

Her date was the mighty governor,
Bill Clinton was his name.
One night he met young Paula Jones
And on to her he came.
And on to her he came.

Whitewater started getting rough.
His mighty dick was lost.
If not for the help of the Highway Patrol,
He couldn't get it off,
He couldn't get it off.

Willie left town and settled in this gorgeous new White House
With Hillary, that damn cat too,
The Vice-President and his wife,
Kenneth Starr, and a bed
Here at Slick Willie's Place!

So this is the tale of our President,
He shows nothing now but class.
Nothing can distract him
Except a piece of a**.

The First Lady and Tipper too
Will do their very best
To see that Willie's comfortable
In his government love nest.

He moves, he strikes, he reels them in,
He feels the passion burn.
Before she knows just what is up,
He's banged the new intern.

So join us here in court my friend,
I'm sure that you'll be pleased.
Just give your deposition
Down upon your knees.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Clinton Q&A

Q: What was Yasser Arafat's advice to Bill Clinton?
A: Goats don't talk ...

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: Survey Says ... !

An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question:
Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?

1%  said, "No"
2%  said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: Political Game Show

Tony Blair, Prime Minister of Great Britain, Jacques Chirac,
President of France, and Bill Clinton, the U.S. President, were in a
contest to determine which of them was the greatest lover.

First question was to Tony Blair: "If you are on a first date with a
woman and you want to kiss her, where do you kiss her?"

Blair: "On the lips?" Judge: "That's right!"

Second question was to the Jacques Chirac: "If you are on a second
date with a woman and you want to kiss her, where do you kiss her?"

Chirac: "On ze breasts?" Judge: "That's right!"

Third question was to Bill Clinton: "If you are on a third date with
a woman and you want to kiss her, where do you kiss her?"

Clinton: "Don't ask me; I missed both'a them first two questions!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Clinton and the Pope

Bill Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an
administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was
sent to hell.

The Pope explained the situation to the devil, who checked out all
of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told,
however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and
correct the error

The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye
to the Pope as he went off to heaven.

On his way up, the Pope met Clinton who was on his way down, and
they stopped to chat.

Pope: Sorry about the mix up.

Clinton: No problem!

Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.

Clinton: Why is that? It's not that great

Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.

Clinton: Sorry, your Holiness -- but you're about a day late.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Bill Approval

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see
one of his aides nervously approach him.

"What is it?" exclaims the President.

"It's the Abortion Bill, Mr. President -- what do you want to do
about it?"

"Just go ahead and pay it."

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: More Clinton Q&A

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Top 14 Nicknames for the President's Member

14. The Speaker of the House

13. Free Willy

12. Presidential Erection

11. The Sin Doctor

10. Hail to the Beef

9. The Secret Servicer

8. The Pocket Veto

7. The Cabinet Member

6. Titanic (because 1,500 people went down on it)

5. The Gross National Product

4. The Washington Monument

3. The Commander in briefs

2. The Washington Post

1. The Executive Branch

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: Command Decision

Has everyone heard about Hillary making a command decision to bring
a new intern into the White House?

It's Lorena Bobbit.

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