1. Closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my Blood Alcohol content

2. Marriage changes Passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'GUESS' on it. I said  'Implants'

4. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

6. I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

7. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the Terminal?

8. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

9. The most precious thing we have is Life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value

10. There are two sides to every Divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

11. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of Hand Grenades... now that's a message.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

13. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just 1 busted condom?

14. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway

15. How come we chose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

16. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

17. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

18. The next time you feel like complaining, remember: your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30% of the world.

19. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been"