Collage 423: Forty-Eight Hours
Posted: 3/19/2003 10:31:26 AM
By: Comfortably Anonymous
Times Read: 1,637
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Topic: Humor
Parent Message
Collage 423              H u m o u r N e t              18 Mar 2003

For those of you who subscribed sometime after 14 October 2001: Yes,
this is your first HumourNet Collage since you joined the list. At
least you're getting your money's worth (as long as you don't
unsubscribe, that is). Oh, and my apologies if this is a repeat
message for some of you; I'm a little rusty, and botched the first
send. (whoops)

On to the Collage....

As we prepare to go to war against Iraq for the second (and hopefully
last) time, we can only guess that Saddam Hussein is currently hiding
somewhere in Borneo, giving orders via satellite cell phone. We can
also hope that he is eaten by cannibals.

Speaking of hiding, 18 months after September 11th, Osama bin Laden
remains very bravely hidden, demonstrating his own unique form of
leadership. Someone recently asked how he can recruit new volunteers
while he's in hiding. The answer is easy: "72 virgins upon martyrdom."
But why 72? I seem to recall that it was somewhere in the mid-30s
during the last Gulf War. Perhaps it's inflation?

And this whole virgin thing raises a somewhat provocative question
about Muslim terrorists: Are they really THAT insecure about their
sexual skill? Think about it -- they covet virgins such that they're
willing to die for 72 of them. That smacks of insecurity. I'm thinking
that the solution to this whole terrorist problem is sex training for
the men. Perhaps we need to send a diplomatic mission of sex
therapists to the Mid-East; if they're successful, they might bring
about a peaceful solution faster than Hans Blix could have.

But enough about the peace-loving Muslims. There are two other groups
that, historically, are far more entertaining: The United States
Congress and the French. And now we have both of them together, sort
of like chocolate and peanut butter.

Somehow, the U.S. Congress has deluded itself into believing that the
French give a damn what we call French Fries, or French Toast, or even
French kissing, for that matter. I guess this is Congress's
contribution to the war effort, which proves beyond a doubt what we've
known since the Vietnam War: Lawyers should not fight wars. If we
_really_ wanted to tick off the French, we'd rename chili cheese dogs
to "French Dogs." THAT would put them over the top.

Then, in a surprise conciliatory move, the U.S. sent a delegation of
35 Girl Scouts, armed with 250,000 cases of coveted Thin Mints
cookies, to the French Parliament in an attempt to ease tensions
between the two countries. Upon seeing the approaching Girl Scouts,
the French immediately surrendered. The U.N. praised the Girl Scouts
for bringing a quick end to the French-American War, and, in
particular, for preventing the French from destroying their vineyards
and souffle recipes before surrendering. The Girl Scouts are now
selling cookies in an attempt to raise sufficient funding to rebuild
France.

It is not anticipated that the French will ever acknowledge the Girl
Scouts' contributions to their rebuilding. However, the French
Resistance is planning to hold a press conference once the rebuilding
is complete. Stay tuned.

In the meantime, we have a selection of contributions for the War in
Iraq, Version II...

"Distinctly French," comes from Clay in Arlington, Virginia.

"The Complete Military History Of France" was submitted by Charles in
Jamaica, with an assist from Jeanne in Los Angeles (or somewhere close
by).

"Martyrdom" was submitted by Rory in Hoboken, New Jersey.

And "Pattern Recognition," was sent in by The Olde Broad (aka "Mom").

Amusing side note: Following Collage 422, I received several
well-earned death threats from peace-loving Muslims around the world.
Others merely declared a jihad on the HumourNet mailing list,
threatening "mass unsubscribes" (?) from the list. Following the
declaration of jihad, I have noticed a large number of subscriptions
-- most appearing to be automated in some manner -- from several ISPs
in Arab countries. Presumably, once this Collage has posted, all of
the automated subscriptions will summarily unsubscribe, thus sending
an unmistakable message of mass unsubscriptions to the moderator.

But, at $5 per unsubscription, I figure that the joke is on them.

Enjoy....

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  vince@humournet.com

P.S. -- Yes, this is two sequential Collages on world events. I'll
try to select a different topic for the 2004/2005 Collage.
____________________________________________________________________
           Opener (above) Copyright 2003 by Vincent Sabio
   Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
   please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Distinctly French

A rabbit is born blind and is soon orphaned, leaving it without any
identity. One day, our blind, orphaned hero is hopping through the
woods, minding his own rabbit business, when he trips over a snake.

"Oh, I'm sorry," exclaimed the rabbit, "but I am blind and an orphan,
so please forgive my mistake in stepping on you."

"What a coincidence," replied the snake, "for I, too, am a blind
orphan! Perhaps we can help each other."

Excited to find another blind orphan, the rabbit asked the snake what
kind of an animal he was. "I do not know," replied the snake. "What
kind of an animal are you?"

"I don't know either," sighed the rabbit.

At this, the snake offered to try to figure out what kind of animal
the rabbit was. The rabbit agreed, and so the snake slithered around
the rabbit a few times.

"I'm not sure what you are," said the snake. "You're all furry, and
you have big ears and a fuzzy tail ... I'm sorry, I really just don't
know what you are."

So the rabbit offered to try to find out what kind of animal the snake
was. The snake agreed, and so the rabbit pawed him a few times.

"I'm not sure, either," said the rabbit. "You're all slimy and
slithery, you speak with forked tongue, and you have a pretty bad
odor. Come to think of it ... you might be French."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Complete Military History Of France

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an
Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic
who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's
armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but
manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that
eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of
French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French
their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English
colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle
Syndrome," and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France
only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match
for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to
not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein."
Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any
improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States
and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed
with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western
army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces
the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French."
This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians,
Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to
surrender to the Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge
in a McDonald's.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Martyrdom

It's easy to understand why radical, fundamentalist Muslim terrorists
are so quick to martyr themselves. Just look at their lifestyle:

* No premarital sex.

* No booze. None. Never.

* No Spice channel. No Playboy channel. No ESPN.

* No cable TV. No satellite TV.

* No TV.

* No Hooters.

* No Sports-Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

* No organized sports of any kind. That's right -- no sports!

* Women have to be completely covered and wear veils. No thongs.

* No Victoria's Secret stuff.

* Very, very few cars. Camels. Lots of camels. Stinking, filthy camels.

* Sand. *&!$%# sand everywhere.

* More sand.

* Ever try to fish at an oasis? No bass boats. No bass. No fish.

* Sandstorms. More *&!$%# sand everywhere!

* Camel and goat burgers cooked over burning camel-dung chips.

* Toilet tissue considered "decadent, Western." Draw your own
conclusions.

* Constant wailing from next door ... no, wait, that's their music.

* And when you die it's supposed to all get better.

No wonder they volunteer!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Pattern Recognition

To ensure that we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics
intent on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be
allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches
of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper ID,
Secret Service agents who are members of the President's security
detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor
winning former Governors.

Let's pause for a moment to take this simple terrorism history test.
See if you can find a pattern among terrorists events in recent
history....

1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and
massacred by:
   a. Olga Corbitt
   b. Sitting Bull
   c. Arnold Schwartzeneger
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

2. In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
   a. Lost Norwegians
   b. Elvis
   c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

3. During the 1980s, a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon
by:
   a. John Dillinger
   b. The King of Sweden
   c. The Boy Scouts
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

4. In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
   a. A pizza delivery boy
   b. Pee Wee Herman
   c. Geraldo Rivera
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

5. In 1985, the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a
70-year-old American passenger was murdered and bravely thrown
overboard in his wheelchair by:
   a. The Smurfs
   b. Davy Jones
   c. The Little Mermaid
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

6. In 1985, TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a U.S. Navy
diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
   a. Captain Kid
   b. Charles Lindberg
   c. Mother Teresa
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
   a. Scooby Doo
   b. The Tooth Fairy
   c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

8. In 1993, the World Trade Center was bombed by:
   a. Richard Simmons
   b. Grandma Moses
   c. Michael Jordan
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

9. In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
   a. Mr. Rogers
   b. Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
   c. The World Wrestling Federation
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

10. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked. Two were used as
missiles to take out the World Trade Center towers; of the remaining
two, one was crashed into the Pentagon and the other was diverted by
the passengers and crashed in a field in Pennsylvania. That day,
thousands of people were killed by:
   a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
   b. The Supreme Court of Florida
   c. Mr. Bean
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

11. In 2002, the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
   a. Enron
   b. The Lutheran Church
   c. The NFL
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

12. In 2002, reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
   a. Bonny and Clyde
   b. Captain Kangaroo
   c. Billy Graham
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

13. In October, 2002, nearly 200 people were killed when a nightclub
in Bali was bombed by:
   a. Hans Blix
   b. Connie Chung
   c. The Dixie Chicks
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

14. Over the past few decades, thousands of innocent Israeli women,
children, and men have been killed by suicide bombers. These suicide
bombers are typically:
   a. Members of the New York City Fire Department
   b. French
   c. Greenpeace commandos
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

Hmmm, I don't see any pattern here. Do you?

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