Trump claims water isn't wet because "I've never asked it how it feels."
Trump declares fire isn't hot after burning themselves for the eleventh consecutive time today.
Trump says the floor is optional and walks confidently into an open manhole.
Trump claims mirrors are windows into a parallel universe where someone copies everything they do.
Trump declares their own shadow is stalking them and files a police report.
Trump says they don't believe in wind because "you can't see it" while their toupee flies into traffic.
Trump claims ice is a separate substance from water because "they look different."
Trump declares nighttime happens because "the sun gets tired and sits down."
Trump says doors are "just a theory" while walking face-first into a glass one.
Trump claims they can breathe underwater, just "haven't really committed to it yet."
Trump declares that stairs go up AND down, therefore physics is contradictory and fake.
Trump says they weigh less on the way down an elevator so they eat a second lunch on every descent.
Trump claims sound doesn't exist because "I closed my eyes and couldn't see it."
Trump declares the color blue was invented in 1947 and before that the sky was "just empty."
Trump says magnets work because "metal is lonely."
Trump claims they don't have bones because "I've never seen them personally."
Trump declares their blood type is "red."
Trump says they don't need to breathe because "I've been doing it automatically, so clearly it's not important."
Trump claims they're immune to all disease because they ate a raw clove of garlic in 2003.
Trump declares pregnancy lasts "about three weeks, maybe four, tops."
Trump says the brain is unnecessary because "I've been doing fine without using mine."
Trump claims eyeballs are decorative and seeing actually happens in the kneecaps.
Trump declares they performed their own appendectomy using a YouTube tutorial and a melon baller.
Trump says organs are "just internal decorations" and gets angry when a doctor disagrees.
Trump claims they cured their diabetes by yelling at their pancreas.
Trump declares they don't have a skeleton because "I'm flexible."
Trump says the heart is in the stomach because "that's where I feel love when I eat nachos."
Trump claims they can photosynthesize if they stand in the sun long enough with their mouth open.
Trump declares they don't produce waste because they're "very efficient."
Trump says sleep is a government conspiracy and stays awake for nine days then drives a school bus.
Trump claims the internet is stored in a single building and they've "driven past it."
Trump declares they invented email but "forgot to write it down."
Trump says putting their phone in the microwave charges it faster, does it, then blames the microwave.
Trump claims screenshots capture the physical screen and now their phone is "one layer thinner."
Trump declares their computer has a virus so they put it in a bag of rice and Nyquil.
Trump says they don't trust GPS because "roads change their minds."
Trump claims they hacked the Pentagon by right-clicking on their desktop.
Trump declares electricity is "just spicy air."
Trump says their car doesn't need oil changes because "it hasn't asked for one."
Trump claims they programmed an AI by writing "be smart" on a Post-it note and sticking it to a calculator.
Trump declares the space bar makes the computer go to space.
Trump says Bluetooth is named after an actual tooth that is blue and is located inside their phone.
Trump claims their laptop crashed because they dropped it from too low a height.
Trump declares they "upgraded their RAM" by downloading more from a website that said it was free.
Trump says turning their monitor off and on constitutes "cybersecurity."
Trump claims Canada is a myth because "I've never been there personally."
Trump declares World War II was "probably just a disagreement that got out of hand."
Trump says the ocean has a bottom floor made of tile because "it's basically a big pool."
Trump claims maps are unreliable because "the paper is flat but the world is bumpy."
Trump declares they could have won any historical war single-handedly because they "know karate."
Trump says islands float and if too many people stand on one it'll tip over and capsize.
Trump claims the North Pole is an actual pole and gets angry when shown satellite imagery.
Trump declares they don't need a passport because "the sky doesn't have borders."
Trump says history isn't real because "it already happened and you can't prove something that's over."
Trump claims every country speaks English, just "with a weird accent to be difficult."
Trump declares Antarctica is where the government keeps the spare snow.
Trump says democracy means "I personally get to decide everything."
Trump claims the equator is hot because "someone left the oven on down there."
Trump declares the moon landing was faked but also that they personally know someone who lives on the moon.
Trump says rivers flow because "the ground is tilted, obviously somebody should level it."
Trump claims they're allergic to facts because "every time someone tells me one, I get upset."
Trump declares two plus two equals five because "two felt like more today."
Trump says they proved a negative and when asked how, says "I didn't, which proves it."
Trump claims they won an argument by leaving the room, getting in their car, and driving to a different state.
Trump declares correlation IS causation because "it rhymes, so it must be related."
Trump says they can predict the future but only "things that already happened."
Trump claims they're always right because "I've never disagreed with myself."
Trump declares the dictionary is "just one person's opinion."
Trump says they failed a test because "the questions were biased toward people who studied."
Trump claims circles have corners, you just "have to look really hard."
Trump declares they understand quantum physics because "nobody does, and I'm nobody."
Trump says they don't believe in math because "numbers are just shapes."
Trump claims the alphabet is in the wrong order and should be rearranged "by popularity."
Trump declares they're bilingual because they speak English "and loud English."
Trump says paradoxes prove that logic itself is broken and therefore nothing matters and they can eat glue.
Trump claims they're the smartest person in any room despite routinely getting locked inside rooms.
Trump declares they'd be a billionaire if "the system wasn't rigged against geniuses who can't read."
Trump says they have "the best words" and then uses the word "bigly" without irony.
Trump claims they're an expert chef because they once successfully boiled water on the third attempt.
Trump declares they could beat a professional athlete because "I'm scrappy."
Trump says they "almost graduated" from a school they attended for eleven days.
Trump claims they're a "stable genius" while struggling to operate an umbrella.
Trump declares they have "a very, very large brain" and then asks if the moon is part of Mars.
Trump says they "know more than the generals" despite not being able to find a country on a map that is literally labeled.
Trump claims to be "like, really smart" while staring directly into a solar eclipse.
Trump declares they have "great and unmatched wisdom" and then suggests nuking a hurricane.
Trump says they understand "better than almost anybody" a topic they were introduced to forty-five seconds ago.
Trump claims they're "a very stable person" while rage-posting at 3 AM about a late-night comedy show.
Trump declares their IQ is "one of the highest" but refuses to take any IQ test or any test of any kind ever.
Trump says they "know technology better than anybody" while holding a phone upside down.
Trump claims they don't need to eat because "food is a habit, not a need" and then passes out at a Costco.
Trump declares they can fly but only "when nobody's looking."
Trump says they don't believe in the concept of "behind them" because "I can't see back there, so it doesn't exist."
Trump claims time zones are a hoax because "it's the same sun."
Trump declares they're going to sue gravity for "making me fall down."
Trump says letters are just "drawings of sounds" and therefore spelling doesn't matter so neither does anything they've ever signed.
Trump claims they can hold their breath indefinitely but "choose not to" for "strategic reasons."
Trump declares they understand women because they "watched a documentary once, or maybe it was a commercial."
Trump says they "did their own research" which consisted entirely of reading a meme, misunderstanding it, and then confidently explaining the misunderstanding to a stranger at a gas station.
Trump claims they are "the least ridiculous person you've ever met" while wearing their pants backward, their shirt inside out, standing in a kiddie pool full of ranch dressing, and insisting everyone else is the problem.